A German Experiment Placed (Disabled) Foster Children with Pedophiles

Since we cannot share news articles on Facebook here in Canada, I can use my blog space as a portal to share links to articles that I think should be shared. 

There's a NewYorker article with a similar title, however I can't access it, so sharing what I have found on my own: 

DW News
https://www.dw.com/en/berlin-authorities-placed-children-with-pedophiles-for-30-years/a-53814208

Not only were the boys wards of the state, they were deemed "moronic" and "underdeveloped." 

Wikipedia article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helmut_Kentler

Disclosure in Exchange for Respect

In our effort to increase awareness and acceptance about disabilities, a subset of people seem to have latched on to the idea that if we just tell people we're disabled, others will suddenly understand be kind to us.

I'm talking about Sainsbury offering extra assistance to anyone wearing a sunflower landyard. Anyone with an invisible disability is welcome to pick one up for free and then shop freely, while displaying their diagnosis to the world in exchange for basic respect.

Or parents buying blue plastic pumpkin baskets or making signs or special treat bags that say, "be patient with me, I'm non verbal." But let's keep it real about what is actually happening: adults are withholding candy from children because they don't say "trick or treat" properly or at all. Who exactly is acting like an adult and who is the child in this situation? It's candy. It's cheap. People come to your home on one specific night a year and you've decided now you are the ableism Halloween candy police and must Lord over the visitors who are requesting candy? Give me a break!
Can we just agree to give candy to whoever comes to your door, without being racist, sexist, classist or ableist? Is it really too much to ask?

No one and no parent, should have to explain or disclose a disability in order to simply exist, shop, work, trick or treat, or just take a walk down the street. I shouldn't have to wear a giant sign on my head to have you be kind to me or use some patience.

Similarily, I had a conversation with a friend online recently where a meme was explaining some proper grammar for common expressions and I posted it not because I care about proper grammar, but because I wanted others to understand that those with speech impediments might get these wrong simply because they're hard to pronounce. My friend replied that people should at least know how to spell them correctly then. I said, "dyslexia is a thing and does not indicate a lack of understanding or intelligence." The friend responded, "people with disabilities get a pass."
No, that's not how it works. How about just don't judge at all? You are not the holder and giver of the "pass." We don't need your judgement. And a "bad speller" stranger on the internet shouldn't have to provide their diagnostic reports in order for you to not pass judgement.

I'm really tired of people suddenly requiring everyone else to provide an explanation for being different, needing some help, or just wanting a bit more understanding, in order to be treated like a human being. 

This Language Ain't For Y'all

Let me state that language is a bit of "special interest" of mine - I have a degree in Linguistics - so I have an educated understanding of language and all its idiosyncracies and beauty. While there are hundreds of languages spoken in the world, communication, at its most basic, is any two people managing to understand each other. That's it. Communication may use writing, spoken utterances or gestures, but it just needs any two people to understand each other to be valid. I have a deep respect for this wonderful human process.

So why am I writing this? Because it annoys me when people criticise other people's language or communication because they "don't understand it" or they accuse other people's communication of "dumbing down society." Scientifically, this is absolutely ridiculous. Politically, it's bigotted, sometimes even ableist.

Take this Tweet, for example:

When your hair is on fleek. pic.twitter.com/NZI2VImFwJ

— Robots With Rayguns (@robtswthrayguns) June 25, 2017

"On fleek" has been in use since 2014, if you use Merriam-Webster as a source, or 2009, if you go by whatever you find on the internet. Either way, it's not a mainstream word and not everyone uses it. However, you'll get plenty of people criticising it and other "slang" words' use.

"I don't get get it. It sounds stupid! Why can't people speak proper English anymore!" 

So there are a few problems with complaining about language evolution:

1. You can't stop time and change, sorry to break it to you! No matter how much you complain, new people will do new things. The world changes and you're kinda stuck either adapting or being really unhappy.
2. Who made "proper English" (whatever that is. That is not a scientific category) the Holy Grail of languages?
3. These words or language being used aren't for you to understand. In fact, many speakers much prefer you not understand. 

Remember how I said communication is any two people being able to understand each other? Sometimes languages develop specifically because the speakers don't want anyone else to understand them.

If we look at the development of many creoles in the Caribbean, this is exactly what occurred. People from different African countries were stuck together on slave boats. They did not share a common language, so they had to find ways to communicate with each other. By mixing words and phrases from their own languages, and those of the slave drivers, they were able to create their own languages. In Linguistics, we call this a pidgin. Ideally, they did not want the slave drivers to understand them - I think we can all appreciate why this would be.

When a pidgin evolves and a basic grammar starts to emerge, it becomes a creole. The point I need to make here, however, is not only is language in constant evolution (just like people!), but the necessity to have communication that is solely for the understanding of certain groups of people has been going on since we started communicating with each other. Social groups use different methods to make themselves distinct such as diet, dress, creed, and of course, language.

Is it really any surprise that teens might make up their own words and use them with each other, maybe so their parents don't understand? It's creative and genius. There's nothing unintelligent about it and it certainly doesn't affect any one else's use of the dominant language.

Or if we look at African American Vernacular English (AAVE), again created by a racial group, which can serve as a marker the user is part of that social community. It's how people relate to each other. Contrary to "dumbing down" English (or any other language for that matter), all users of a creole or a vernacular speak the dominant language of the area (English) - meaning they are actually bilingual or polyglots (multi-lingual). They're actually using more of their brain than unilingual people.

As it's all communication, I see all languages (spoken, text, sign, morse code) as equally valid. A pidgin is not any less useful than "proper English" - both get the job done. Pidgin poety also exists, so fear not, the arts are not neglected.

[Image description: a corner of a keyboard, a cell phone and a pen with the words, "This Language Ain't For Y'all written in dark blue along the bottom]

When people hear slang and complain, "that isn't an English word! I don't get it! It's dumbing down society!" that's like saying Italian is going to ruin English because you don't understand it. And really, don't be so full of yourself. It's not for you to use. It's not even for you to understand. You're not part of the group that is using it! You weren't invited into their conversation. You're being the rude one if you're jumping in and demanding you understand other people's private (or exclusive) conversations.

Remember that any group of people excludes others from their conversations in many ways. Inside jokes are one. Or a family that uses a term for something their toddler came up with and it stuck forever. My husband's family has an "oompa." What is that? You can guess, but unless you're part of his family it doesn't make sense for you to know or understand. There's no reason for you to start using it, and his family's use of it doesn't somehow hurt the whole English language and threaten its very existence.

Certain words and phrases come into use because of spelling errors, or short cuts in written language (texting) being necessary or common. What might look "lazy" to you could just be someone's dyslexia. Is it really fair to complain someoene's learning disability is not only annoying you or is "ruining" the language? If that's the case, I don't want to hang around you.

So of course, you are free to continue criticising the words other people use, but please try to remember that it has nothing to do with you. It's not meant for you. You do you :)

A Lack of Services

TRIGGER WARNING: descriptions of murder and filicide.

A couple are married for six years. Things are good at first, but the wife gets into an accident and has long term injuries that stop her from being able to work. She is still quite happy with her situation and does her best around the house. Still, they struggle a bit and even though the wife feels she is contributing in her own way, the husband starts to see her as a burden.

He tries to access local rehabilitation services, but there are long waiting lists. By the time they are offered, the wife doesn't want to go. She doesn't feel she needs them and is happy enough. She doesn't understand why her husband can't accept her as she is and is always trying to find new treatments to change her.

The husband is unable to force her or control her and becomes more and more annoyed with the situation. Rather than look for help or counselling for himself, he continues to try and change her. She is the one with the injury! She is the problem! He feels like all his money and time goes into caring for her and she does nothing to repay him.

He decides the best course of action is to kill her. She won't cooperate with what he wants and it's better to take her out of her misery. If he can't love her, surely no one else can!

So one night he suffocates her in her sleep. That was the nice thing to do. He is a little disturbed with himself, so he takes a bunch of pills, half-heartedly trying to kill himself. He ends up just throwing up and calling 911 to admit what he's done.

The news reports show happy pictures of the couple from before she was injured. They show recent pictures of her, injured, but with a broad smile, full of life. The reports paint the husband as an evil man, a sick man without compassion. Neighbours say they never expected such a callous thing to happen in their town. They knew the wife struggled, but she was a sweet woman nevertheless and everyone loved her smile. The citizens rally for justice for her. They want the husband to rot in jail. No mercy for him!
The husband is eventually tried and gets a life sentence.

The fictional story above is too often a reality for some families. The only difference is instead of a husband, it's a mother. Instead of a injured wife, it's an autistic child. And instead of citizens demanding justice, they feel sympathy. The apologise for the mother's actions. They make excuses for her behaviour and they ask why more services weren't offered to her to help her cope with her burden. They forget about the child - the innocent child - or paint them as needy, uncooperative, irredeemable. They spend an inordinate amount of time looking into the history and finding every moment the child may have become frustrated or lashed out. "Once he punched his mother," they say. "There was no fixing him." So what's a mother to do? Kill him, of course!

And services. If we only had more services then innocent, caring mothers would never have to kill their own offspring! Yes, SERVICES. If we had more of them - more places to hide our imperfect children away when we adults lack coping skills - then that would stop normal healthy mothers from killing their burdensome children.

All over the world, every day, people struggle. People fall on hard times. They lose their jobs, they lose their homes, they go to bed hungry. Sometimes their kids behave badly. Sometimes their children hurt them. Despite all that, they don't. commit. murder. 

In the rare times they do, we don't turn around and say, "well, geez, if only someone had given them a new car or an extra food stamp that day, then maybe they wouldn't have killed someone!"

"You certainly can't blame him for committing murder, I mean the guy had just received a bad review at work the day before! Where were the services to help him?"

You can accuse me of black and white thinking, I really don't care. You can accuse me of not having a child horrible enough for me to understand. Go ahead. I say a healthy person doesn't consider their child horrible. A healthy person doesn't solve problems with murder.

A healthy adult walks away and gets help for themselves. A healthy adult takes responsibility for their own actions. A healthy and loving parent gives the child someone else, for a time or permanently, so that the child has the opportunity to grow and be loved by others.

I want you to know there are always other options. I want you to know you can show up on my doorstep, any time, day or night, with your child and I will not ask any questions. I will take them in, and I know plenty of other good people who would, too. PLEASE don't hurt or kill your child. They deserve more than that. They deserve life, whether you believe so or not.

Not Only Autistic People Do That!

In addition to this blog, I run a few autism-related Facebook pages and have my personal Instagram account. I don't often, but now and then I will tag a photo of a situation I'm experiencing with "#autism." For example, there was this post where the Little Man wanted to play with water balloons, but did not want to get wet (which was difficult to achieve, but we dealt with it).

Child wants to play with water balloons but doesn't want to get wet. #autism

A photo posted by K Bron John (@kbronjohn) on May 18, 2015 at 11:13am PDT

I'm not the only one who receives these comments. Here's another experience:

Of course I got a comment (through Facebook) about how that's not unique to autism.
(It's not the first time I've received such a comment)

'Not only autistics have this problem.' We read this comment in our page threads and in groups where we allow allistic...
Posted by The Cranky Autistic on Friday, May 29, 2015

I no longer respond to these comments (I used to!). I no longer really see the point.

Of course, a whole lot of behaviours/experiences are not unique to autism. Of course it's possible NT people have done similar things. THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

When I point out that my son or I do something and I attribute it to my/our autism, it's not because I think we're the only ones who do it. I draw attention to it because it's something other autistic people can relate to or understand.

If I say "someone touched my hair again without consent" and tag it "#blackpeopleproblems," I don't care if white people get their hair touched as well. I wouldn't understand why a white person would feel the need to comment, "but that happens to us, too!" Sure, it can, and I acknowledge your struggle! But it happens WAY less to white people than black.

Sometimes, I get the impression people are trying to dismiss my/our experience. As if it somehow should make me feel better that it's "not just an autistic thing." Other times I feel like they believe I'm/we're somehow not really autistic then.

For me, it's about the total of "autistic experiences" in a day and I'm trying to let people in on what just some of those situations are like. Sure, the water balloon thing was not a big deal. I found it humorous and we came to a solution so he could still have fun. But there are hundreds of other episodes like that throughout the day that make up the whole autistic experience, and only people who are or live with autistic people can really understand. You may relate to something we do. You may even do it yourself, but there's no need to dismiss it as not autistic enough for you.

EDITED To Add: It can also stem from a belief that labelling something as autistic behaviour is somehow bad and shouldn't be done. As if being NT is the ideal.

Great, I did something that some other NT also does. Yay! Now I'm cured! Wait, what?

We All Need Help

You get up in the morning with to the sound of an alarm clock. The house is warm (or cool depending on how you like it) with the aid of programmed thermostats. Technology is wonderful and so useful. 

You make breakfast, or maybe someone left a smoothie or cup of coffee for you in the kitchen. Your house is clean because you had a maid in on the weekend. You take a shower and get dressed, listening to the news on the radio. Checking your cell phone, you can see the quickest way to work today would be to catch the bus at the corner. Some days, your co-worker sees you waiting at the stop and picks you up. You always appreciate the gesture and chip in a little for gas.

Lunch at work is being delivered by a catering company today, so you didn't make your own lunch. You get home from work and find your partner has a migraine, so you take over the evening routine and let them head to bed early. You know they would do the same for you. You make sure to prep the coffee maker for them for the next morning and make sure the car has enough gas in it for them to get to work. 

Sounds like a typical day, doesn't it? No one exists in a bubble without any help. Technology helps us get up and out the door. Friends, family members and co-workers help us get through our day in many ways. Are some forms of help more socially accepted than others?

We don't judge anyone for not getting a bus driving license and call them lazy or worse because they need to rely on someone else to drive a bus to get them to work. We also don't drive our own trains or fly our own planes (most of us, anyway), and that sort of aid is totally fine! Has anyone ever called you stupid for not being able to fly a plane?

We (typically) don't judge people who need house keepers to keep their house clean. We don't bat an eye when we have to order food from a restaurant instead of cook it ourselves. No one calls people weak or disabled or incapable for eating out. 

Yet, when a disabled person needs assistance for certain tasks, they are seen as weak, incapable, and even have functioning labels put on them (which I hate). If someone needs an aid to come to their house every morning, to get them out of bed, shower and dress them, they are seen as functioning at a lower level than the rest of us.

If a disabled person needs a cleaner to help with chores, they are seen as less than. If a non-disabled person hires a cleaner, they are seen as smart for making time for themselves and maybe even seen as somewhat affluent. Most of all, no one pities or chastises them for needing help. 

We need to think about the amount of help we all receive on a daily basis and we need to think about the judgements we make about others needing help. We all need help in different ways and at different times of our life we may need more. This does not reflect negatively on anyone's intelligence or capabilities. In many ways, help enables us to be more efficient, productive, organized and useful. Without help, we wouldn't get as far.