How My Five Year Old Understands Gender Fluidity

When I was 4-5 years old, I thought people changed races growing up. That explained why there were different races. I just figured we were born one colour and could decide which ever one we wanted to be when we were older. I went and told my (white) mother that I wanted to be white like her when I grew up. She explained to me that I was black like my daddy and would always be black.  OK, fair enough, I thought. No biggie.

My son has not really spoken about race. He has pointed out that people are different colours, but he hasn't really expressed much interest in it. It helps (I suppose) that we've always been open about the fact different people look different and so it's not a confusing concept to him.

However, gender might be more abstract for him. I have quite a few trans* friends. I also have homosexual friends. Because I want my son to understand all sorts of people can make up a family, I have always explained that some people have two mommies or two daddies (or more!). I have also explained that some people are born female and then change to male (or vice-versa). This is where it starts to get more complicated.

Since my son is apraxic, one common habit is to call everyone by the same pronoun - "he." Every once and a while, a "she" might make it out, but pretty much everyone is "he" for him, and that has nothing to do with appearance. However, some people can get offended and I have to explain that everyone is "he" to him.

"You had me at your ask of my preferred gender pronoun"

Following the same logic I did as a child, my son seems to think that when he gets to my height, he will become female and black. Then when he gets to his father's height, he will be male and white. This sounds pretty cool to me, but I don't think that will happen.

Even more interesting is when we asked him which sex he preferred for a sibling, he said, "a girl baby that will turn into a boy when it gets older." I'm just not sure the adoption agency can swing that!

It's pretty cool to me how my five year old understands gender fluidity - at least to a very basic extent. I want him to have that freedom to feel like gender is mostly flexible.

While I wish it were easier for people to transition as they please, I'm having a hard time getting him to understand it's just not that easy! But maybe his generation will be cool. Maybe his generation won't see it as such a big deal, and that's promising.

Change and Fears

I have been writing tons about myself and not much about the Little Man. The fact is, things have been great. He adjusted to school life very quickly and has friends there. The big issue is our home life has recently been turned upside down. We didn't get tons of warning from the contractor when they were ready to start our home renos. We moved out to a hotel for one week, then found a small apartment near our house to let for the rest of the month. That's a lot of change for anyone!

In addition to that, I just survived a major layoff and restructuring at work. It's been a stressful couple of weeks for all of us. 

To top it off, the Little Man got a nasty virus and has been suffering for the last week. It's been really tough, but we're still hanging in there. I let Hubby deal with the house and contractors, while I try to deal with the Little Man, for the most part. This is where the fears come out.

He was anxious one morning, so I sat with him while he sat on the potty and just waiting. Suddenly his eyes welled up with tears and he said, "you're not going to be my mommy forever."

Oh my goodness, I was floored. Where did this come from? Then he said, "we're never going back to the house...".
Ah, all these changes! He thought he would lose us, as well as the house.

I reassured him, "I will always be your mama forever, no matter how old you get. And you will always be my baby forever, no matter how big you get. And I promise, we will go back to house."

The fearful connections children make in their heads are so deep. I don't know that I could have anticipated that or better prepared him. We probably should have worked up to telling him we would be living away from the house a short time before. I mean, we mentioned it, but we never specifically explained all that would happen. 

I know for next time, but then again, I hope we don't have to go through so much upheaval in so little time ever again. I could never have predicted this much change coming all at once. We can only do our best under the circumstances. 

Using Transitions to Create Traditions

Because changes and transitions can often be more jarring and stressful for those on the spectrum, it's often recommended to plan ahead with lots of warnings and preparation. It's also usually not advised to start something new at the same time.

However, sometimes I feel like one change can make it easier to make another change and use it to piggy-back. For example, right now life is pretty crazy with our move, but we're trying to keep the Little Man's daily routine as stable as possible. We started him at the new daycare (closer to my work and the new place) a week before we move house. On the weekend we will move and after the long weekend, he's back at the new daycare, so not too many changes happen at once.

Now I pick up the Little Man from daycare and bring him home with me and Dada has dinner ready for us. I've used this NEW routine to institute sitting at the table for meals. We've tried this many times and failed, but we know it's possible. So we've been consistent this week about making sure food is on the table as soon as he comes in. He gets washed up and we get to the table as a family. He has no time to get distracted by toys or anything else. It means I sit down and eat a bit even if I'm not that hungry at that time. It means I usually miss my favourite show and pretty much the only TV I watch, Coronation Street. But we are teaching him the lifelong skill of sitting nicely at the table, not kicking anyone, and just eating.

We've been soooo impressed with him! Not only does he sit and eat fairly well (with a lot of prodding) but he has even asked for more some days! It's so nice to see such a change in him. So now we just have to make sure we keep it up once we move, despite the chaos and possibly, lack of kitchen.

Making transitions easier takes planning and consistency. If you want to institute a new routine/habit/tradition, pick something manageable and don't get expectations too high. If it doesn't work this time and causes too much stress, drop it and wait for another time. In the end, our children will learn and cope at their own pace and life isn't a race to the finish!