Where Am I Looking?

It's been established that Autistic people are not the best at eye contact, in general.

Of course, there are exceptions. It's not that we don't do it, it's often that we don't do it enough, or too much, or time it incorrectly.

I have an easier time looking at just one person talking to me. I prefer looking at brown over blue eyes. I prefer looking at female faces over male.

I learned, at a very young age, from reading about how investigators interrogate people, that you can look at the point just between two eyes and people believe you are looking into their eyes. It's a trick I use when I know I have to socially conform.

I'll admit, however, that if there is a group of two or more people talking, I really have no choice but to stare at the person talking, or not look at either. In meetings, I tend to want to close my eyes and concentrate on what is being said. I, of course don't, because I have yet to feel comfortable enough to close my eyes in a business meeting.

So if my eyes are open and I'm not looking at your eyes, or that point between them, where am I looking?

I look at mouths. A lot. So much so, that I'm a pretty good lip reader. I can tell you all about your teeth. Your lips. Your nose. Your ears. Your neck. And then I am forced to move my gaze up again because you noticed my eyes wandering and you think there's something on your face maybe?

Not everyone notices, but if you're the type that does, I have to think about what my eyes are doing, so I don't really listen to you. Sorry, but it's the truth. I hear you, but I can't listen properly.

If you have a shiny necklace, my apologies, but I am wondering about the material and make. I will try to guess the brand, the gems and the karats. I will identify the cut and style.

Like I said, if you are female, you are in better luck, as I am most likely looking somewhere around your face. If you are male, it's easier to avoid your gaze because most men don't seem to care as much about where my eyes are going. I tend to look at shoulders, arms and hands on men.

Unfortunately, according to body language specialists, looking at a man's mouth/lips makes him think you want to kiss him. Add to the fact that I'm most likely looking at his arms - he may get the impression I am checking him out or into him. Even worse, I have a thing for pinstripe (on men, women, mannequins, it doesn't matter) so if he's sitting, I am looking at his pants and he believes I am looking at something else....

All this to say, I'm good at isolated parts of people and not always looking at the whole person. If you are in a different context next time I meet you (in the caf instead of a meeting room), I won't immediately recognize you. If you are wearing sunglasses, I probably won't recognize you. Dyed your hair? I either won't notice right away or won't recognize you. But I would sooner recognize your voice, or a mention of where we met ("the numbers from Monday's meeting were thrilling, weren't they?") and I will jump back to the situation mentally and match the puzzle pieces.

There are, however, times this all comes in handy. I can find you in the dark. LOL. I don't judge people by appearances. I understand body language better than spoken words. It's really good when playing poker, since I can rely on other body cues. (And I can count cards...you've been warned)
Also handy when car shopping since we spend most of the time looking at the car and I keep a deadpan face - confusing them as to whether I'm interested - so they keep adding perks or dropping the price.

Curious to know where other Autistic people look - strangely enough, I like looking at other Autistics. It doesn't seem as harsh for some reason.

Why Is Eye Contact Important To You?

Why is eye contact important to you?

I'm not asking to be facetious, but to understand. At the same time, it's a question I think everyone should ask themselves. 

We know many studies have shown eye contact between humans is a way we try to understand the intentions of a person. We link eye contact to trustworthiness. When we want to know if someone is lying, we say, "look me in the eye and answer me!" We see romantic moments on TV, where people stare longingly into each other's eyes, and we consider those who don't hold our gaze to have the worst intentions. 

Have you always been right with your assumptions? Has someone ever looked you right in the eyes and lied to you? Did you fall for it because they looked you in the eyes? 

I'm going to ask you to let those ideas go for a bit. I'm going to ask you to consider a different way of being. 

There are those of us who very rarely lie. You'll know us because when we talk we have no filter. If we are asked an opinion, we speak it freely, without any awareness of how you might hear it or feel. When we cannot answer or don't know how, rather than lie, we often go mute. If you keep asking us questions, we're even more likely to shut down. 

We are the same people who rarely make eye contact. You think we aren't listening or paying attention. You think we're not interested. You don't trust us because we look down at the floor. If those are your beliefs, you're putting a whole lot of negative ideas onto people who, through no fault of their own, simply cannot make eye contact easily.

The sad part is because of that little detail (or at least I consider it a little detail), we are routinely excluded. We are misunderstood. The irony is that often, if I cannot look at you when you talk, it's because I really want to hear what is being said. I really want to hear every word and concentrate. It is fascinating enough to me that I want to understand. And yet, I am accused of not listening. 

Think about the discomfort you are demanding from someone else and try to have some empathy. Think about what you are really asking of someone. Think about the assumptions you make. Are you able to take a good look at yourself?