Angry Autistics - A Two-Part Exploration: Part 2 Autistic People

In my previous post, Angry Autistics Part 1, I addressed parents, hoping to help them understand why some of us react with anger to their questions. 

This second part is to address Autistic people in online forums, who are offering advice. While the vast majority are helpful, I believe we are getting fragmented within the community by those who react in much more aggressive ways. I have seen way too many Autistic people just drop out after being attacked by fellow Autistics. 

Fact is, I don't believe aggressive behaviour, in any facet of life, moves people forward. It makes sense to be aggressive if being attacked. Self-defense has a place. However, I do not feel that the vast majority of the time anyone is really being attacked online to the point that it requires so much aggression.

While people are more likely to hear you if you are yelling at them, it won't make them want to listen to you for very long. I believe we need parents to listen, not just hear us, if we're going to make any headway for understanding. 

I've been accused of tone-policing, and we can disagree on that. I simply think when people are calm, logical, measured and even, the doors of communication stay open longer. They might still close! That's a chance you always take, but you still can hope for the best. If things go well, even if the door closes, it might be opened again after some time.

One thing I think needs to happen is you need to give some of the many well-intentioned parents a second chance. Sometimes they need to sleep on it a few days or weeks to come around. If they're fighting you tooth and nail about something heinous, by all means, protect yourselves and ban them. But if they're slowly learning and sussing things out, asking questions and trying to understand, give them some time. 

"It's a very important thing to learn to talk to people you disagree with" - Pete Seeger

The problem with responding with anger each time someone asks what they think is an innocent question, is you end up in a room with only people who agree with you.

That's cool, if that's what you want, but it's not cool if you want to enact change in others. Because they can't ever learn if you don't explain it to them. 

It they don't get it the first time, try a second time. If they don't get it after that, then consider either communication is not working or they need to think. And yes, it can be frustrating. And yes, it requires patience. But yes, I promise it's worth it in the long run.

At the same time, people don't have to agree on every little thing in order to get along and work together for the greater good. There are grey areas sometimes and grey areas are ok. Work with what overlaps.

Please also keep in mind, I am not talking about people who blatantly troll, or derail threads ("if you cared, you would teach me") - I'm talking about the ones who you can send links to posts or books to and they will read them and think about it. Stick with the receptive ones and don't ostracize them. 

I'm asking you to give strangers on the net, who know nothing about you, the benefit of the doubt. They are not your parents. They are not the guy who bullied you in third grade. If you only allow the people who ask questions you find acceptable, then you will eventually find no one is asking you questions. That's fine, you're not required by law to answer questions. In which case, don't pretend the intention of your community is to help EVERYONE. Tell people it's to help only those who already fit into your neat box of who you are willing to help so they can weed themselves out. That will make you a lot less aggravated and stop spreading the aggro around. 

Accept that us Autistics often take things very literally and personally. I can't even count how many times someone has left a comment on my blog and I thought it was negative, but when (kindly and patiently) rephrased by the commenter, it was very positive. My misinterpretations are on me. I have limits. I accept them. So I need to ask others around me (usually NT) to get their opinions. I ask people whom I trust have my best interests at heart and have proven themselves so. Anything can be made into a mountain if you have a lot of angry people looking at the problem. Sometimes it was tone that threw me off. Sometimes it was words. It doesn't matter, and I believe intent doesn't matter, but sometimes you have to give the benefit of the doubt. In the end, it's about the kids, it's not about you. If you truly care about how the kids turn out, you have to keep the parents sweet on your side. You can do that without compromising your morals, beliefs and self, AND you can do it without being angry. It's true. I'm sure of it.  

A lot of us actually don't have children of our own, and yes, that may sound ____ist of some sort, but it's true, it does make a difference. It doesn't mean no insight can be offered, but realistically, the only people who can speak of their experience with any authority should be those who actually live that experience. I would not expect a white person to speak for the black experience, nor would I expect a man to be able to speak about the female experience. Similarly, parenthood is something one has to live in order to really understand. So please don't act like you are a parenting expert because you were once a child. No matter how well-intentioned you are, or how much you think you know ("but my friend has a kid! That's totally the same!"), you cannot act as an authority to that experience.

Finally, please try to remember that some Autistics hold internalized hate or hurtful language and will say/write things, not because they are trying to insult you, but because that is all they know. Before I knew how awful Autism $peaks was, I supported people for their walks, because I did not know better. The way to teach someone, however, is not by calling them names or insulting their intelligence - the way to teach is with empathy and understanding - the same way many advocate we teach our children. 

Angry Autistics - A Two Part Exploration: Part 1, Parents

A lot of parents with newly diagnosed Autistic children go online looking for help, support and to vent. In general, they will stumble upon three distinct groups in their search:

1) The "gloom and doom" of Autism $peaks, with its focus on research for cures, Biomed experiments on children, and ABA "behaviour modification;"

2) Supportive communities which focus on acceptance and respecting the Autistic experience;

3) An army of Angry Autistic people jumping down people's throats for not immediately "getting it."


While I am sure this post will ruffle feathers (and more!), I think it needs to be talked about. Being a parent myself AND sometimes being an Angry Autistic, I've been on both sides and can understand both sides.

First off, I'll address the parents:

I will explain, not condone or make excuses for, but help you understand why we're angry. 

If you, as a parent, have ever joined an Autism community, said one thing and had it taken completely out of context and had everyone totally dissecting your words and telling you to check your privilege, then banning you from the community before you even had a chance to say, "what?" - then you know what I'm talking about. I've even had it happen to me. But before you get too hurt about it, please remember this is how us Autistics feel the vast majority of the time in the real world. We're misunderstood when we think we're doing it right and then totally shunned from groups. Isolated Autistics don't feel they can fight back. Put them in a group as a gang and they have power, and they will wield that new power with impunity. Does it make it right? Maybe yes, maybe no.

Another reason we're angry is quite simply because we've been abused. Whether our parents knew of our disability or not, we were abused at home for being different, abused in therapy for "noncompliance," and bullied and shunned at school. When you take a child and abuse them their whole childhood, not only do they not know any other way to deal with problems other than to be abusive themselves, but unless they have had access to a lot of good therapy, they will carry around the triggers and pain with them into adulthood. Actually, even with therapy and healing, some of us still carry the weight of our pasts around. It's not easy to shake off the ghosts of abuse. Some of us still find ourselves in abusive relationships or reliant on abusive people for our very care. Damn right we're angry!

A lot of us, me included, are still not always great at being assertive in a non-confrontational way. Again, none of this is an excuse for bad behaviour, but it can explain a lot of it. All you can do, dear parent, is protect your child from abuse and make sure you are raising a non-angry child. Make it your goal to raise a child who can advocate for him/herself and is happy to be who they are. 

Also be conscious of the fact there is a lot of sadness in us - mourning for happy childhoods or families we never got to have. Sometimes things you bring up that you are doing with your child will trigger us again. Just be aware of what you're saying and who you're saying it to. 

If you come asking for advice or opinions, please don't argue with us and tell us we're wrong. If you're not open to a different way of thinking, please don't ask us for our advice. If you don't agree, you'll need to sit and think about it, but don't argue with us. Take what you've learned, say 'thank you' and move on. Telling us our opinions, insight or experiences are not correct won't win you any points.

Don't play Devil's Advocate. I'm even guilty of this, since I like to try to see things from all sides, but it doesn't go over well with Autistics who are easily triggered. They will place you squarely in the evil box and you won't be able to get out. For people who are often accused of lacking emotion or care, we have lots, overflowing, everywhere. Maybe too much. So just be really clear about what you want to know and stick to the facts. 

If you pity us, think about what you can do to help us. Or what you can do to prevent that happening to your child. Because we are like your child, whether you like it or not, but your child doesn't have to end up angry like many of us.

~~~

I plan to make another post addressing Autistic people who spend their time in groups and forums trying to help parents.