Avoiding Snake Pits and Other Scary Things

I was being interviewed by a neurotypical about how I handle certain situations. I was asked how I might handle things that were challenging to me. I explained that I usually wait for another time when I am feeling my best. For example, I won't go shopping at a busy grocery store on a day I'm already tired or feeling overwhelmed. Usually there's nothing that can't wait another day. Or maybe I'll ask my husband to do it.

But, it was insisted, there must be other things I find challenging and *have* to do. I simply don't put myself in situations that are just too challenging.

 "So you just avoid things?"

Yes, the short answer is, yes, I avoid things that would be too challenging. It sounded really judgemental, the way it was said, as if I gave up on life. But I thought about it and don't most people? I mean, if you are scared of snakes, I would guess you'll avoid snakes or places where snakes might be. You might wait for a day where you are well-rested and ready to run, should you encounter one, but for the most part, you probably just avoid hanging around snake pits. That would seem logical to me! Surely there's no pressing need you need to go into a snake pit.

By that same token, I've designed my life in a way where I can avoid my personal "snake pits." I don't particulary enjoy taking the metro in my city anymore, so I got my driver's license and a car.

I call it a life by design - I make it work for me. Why should I stress myself out to do something I'm not comfortable doing when there are other options? And why is finding another option seen as a failure somehow? As if using all my energy to fight a situation I don't want to put myself into is somehow more valiant? Or the "right way" to function in the world? Surely thinking up alternatives and finding solutions has some value.

I don't have to do things like others do or even enjoy the same things others do just because. My way of being or designing my life is just as valid. I do what works for me and makes me comfortable. I'm pretty sure you do as well. 

Spring Has Sprung!

It has been over a month since I've posted here and while I put some updates on my Facebook page, I could not find the time or words to really flesh things out here. Also, I needed discretion.

I made the decision to quit my full time job and during that time it was ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT. But I had to keep quiet because my ex-boss/workplace can and sometimes did read this blog for some strange reason. I mean, considering how uninterested they were in accommodating me, I have no clue why they would spend time reading about me here when they could have, I don't know, actually accommodated me. But hey, that's all in the past.

So my last day was Feb. 26 and I took off for Japan on the 27th. I needed that time away to reset myself, as well as visit my best friend. Bonus! I came back with a few days to try to get over my jet lag and jumped right into a new work contract.

I have absolutely no regrets! It feels wonderful and right. I'm doing half my work from home and the other half in an office where they not only know my diagnosis, but actively embrace it. I am passionate about my work, knowing I am using my strengths, and I have time to be with the Little Man. I already got to go on my first school outing with him.

I thought I would have a bit more free time, but it seems I fill it all up very quickly. However, it's things that need to be done - like seeing the dentist, paperwork, phone calls, and the hustle for more contracts.

I hope to keep this and my other blog more up to date, but also launch my other side business ideas and see where things go.

So spring has sprung (even if Montreal weather doesn't reflect that!) and my life is just getting better.

How Have I Been?

Basically, I felt I needed more job security, so since September I've been working a second (part time) job. So I'm doing about 12 hours extra work a week over my full time job.

After a year of seeing doctors and trying to figure out my abdominal pains, we've finally discovered I have tumours on my liver, right ovary and uterus.

The month of November has been filled with death: just found out today a fifth member of my family has died. I feel like all I do is shop for flowers and baskets for people.

I spent the day at my great-aunt's funeral. I'm drained and tired and headachey. But I got to spend time with my British cousins, which is always fun.

I got a letter home from the Little Man's school that head lice is going around. Oh yay!

So goes the roller coaster of my life.

#WondrousWednesdays - Varied Interests and Autism

If you look at my cv, I have a strange mix of work and volunteer experience. It shows I've jumped around jobs a bit. It shows I've been both an employee and an entrepreneur (at the same time right now also). It shows I speak languages that aren't particularly useful to be fluent in in North America. I've travelled to 14 countries. I'm into yoga, science, teaching, helping professions - but I've also worked at UPS, danced ballet and played guitar...and drums. It's a completely random mish-mash of weirdness. 

It makes me look scattered. It makes me look like I can't focus or don't know what I want to do with myself. That's what people see when they look at my cv. That's the negativity I've internalized. 

But no more.

I've met many others like me. (Read Full Spectrum Mama's bio, for example) Our varied interests show we've tried many things. It's testament to our spirit of adventure. We have open minds. We are not scared to try, experience and maybe even fail - we don't have to be amazing at everything we do, but we've tried it to see if we like it. 

We dream big and follow them. We research and learn and embrace. We live full lives. I'm sure I've done more things before 25 than most people accomplish by 50. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm just saying this may be a product of my brain and how I think. I've been unemployed and underemployed, but overall, I seek situations out where I can follow my desires, however strange they seem.

It's an interesting dichotomy: I live with anxiety but lack fear to live life to its fullest.

Talking About Good Times, Talking About Bad Times

There has been a lot of talk on the web about blogging, honesty and privacy, especially as it relates to autism/people with different abilities.
I'm talking about cases where parents have written about their children being violent or exhibiting undesired behaviours and being shamed, blamed or otherwise criticized. I read about one such case here. It's her first-hand account.

Some people think we should only talk about the positives and how wonderful it is to have a special needs child in our lives and how everything is butterflies and roses. You know what? It can be that way some times. If I'm being really good, I promise you I can find something to be thankful for every day.

But you know what? Parenting in general is hard. It doesn't matter whether you have one or five or are single or gay or rich or black or whatever, parenting is hard. I'll say it again in case you missed that:

Parenting is hard.

We all have to make tough decisions, every day, in how we're going to discipline, love, and teach these little humans we're responsible for. Sure, some have certain aspects of those decisions easier than others, but we all have our trials.

Parenting is not a competition though.

I don't know what it's like having a neurotypical kid, so I can't tell you if it's easier or harder. I have my kid and he brings a different set of challenges than other kids do. I have, at times, more complicated decisions to make. Do I sometimes wish I didn't have those extras on my plate? For sure. No lie.
At the same time, I don't want to go and say it's hands down harder because there are times when it can be easier and hopefully those things balance out.

But my point is, we all have good times and bad times. I will tell you about those good times and bad times freely, while still respecting my family's privacy, because that's just life. I want you smile along with the good times and send hugs for the bad times, and hopefully we can all feel a little less alone on this crazy journey called life. 

Moms According to Walmart

I'm on the mailing list, so I got this email last week. Take a minute to digest it:

When I think "Moms Come First" I don't usually think about cleaning products. If you tell me I come first, it shouldn't mean I'm first to CLEAN the house. 

Really Walmart? 

When I think of making my "life a little better," it doesn't include a cleaning product. What comes to my mind is winning the lottery, having a day off or getting a raise at work. Maybe the thought of having a magical cleaning fairy at my disposal comes to mind, but certainly not ME doing the cleaning. The less work I have to do, the better I think life is, LOL!

And why is it ONLY for moms? Do dads not clean? When dads use this product, does it make their life more difficult? So many unanswered questions, Walmart!
Surely you can do better!

These Are a Few of My Favourite Things

I was thinking recently about how overwhelmed I've been - and just really drained and tired - so I forget to note all the little things that are good. Today I'm taking some time to myself and documenting this snapshot in time. This is the Little Man at three years and not quite two months:

"Excuse me" comes out of his mouth sounding like, "New Knee!" and it cracks me up every time.

When I tell him to say "Merry Christmas!" (I want him to be able to say it to everyone at the airport on the way to Florida) he says, "Merry Christmas, Happy Halloween and Happy Birthday to YOOOOOU!" I'm not sure how to get him to stop at the Merry Christmas part. He gets really excited.

His favourite toy: trains

Fave colour: green

When we ask him what he wants to be when he grows up, he says, "fix cars all day." (I'm not even sure where he got that one from. Maybe he's channeling my father?)

His favourite activity: blowing bubbles

His favourite non-toy activity: getting his hair cut. It's the best freaking thing in the world. He can look forward to a haircut for DAYS.

Fave foods: fries and boiled eggs

Fave drink: chocolate soy milk (second place, strawberry soy milk)

Fave show: Wallace and Gromet

My fave part of the day with him: early morning when he comes running in my room. He climbs in bed with me and gives me hugs. If I'm really lucky, he'll pinch my nose and say, "beep!" That's like our "I love you." I used to do that to him when he was small, so it was cool when he suddenly started doing it to me. When he's had enough cuddles, he says, "time to wake up mama, hurry!" and we start our day.

4am Doorbells

There's been A LOT going on, but I haven't written in a month. It's mostly because The Little Man started daycare at the beginning of June, I went away for six days to Cold Lake, Alberta and he weaned when I got back (at 32.5 months!). Then I started a new job, where I spend all day doing Internet Marketing. Suffice to say, I'm not always into sitting in front of a computer in the evenings when I get home. I'm also having a lot of problems with my old car and wondering if we should just live car less.
Oh and the Little Man had his endoscopy to test for celiac last week - a whole other post entirely if I get around to it - but yeah, I'm a little stressed.

He probably picked it up from the hospital, but now the Little Man has a runny nose and fever. This is usually how he gets sick - a fever first with no other symptoms, then a runny nose and it's over. Or a runny nose and then a fever and it's over. Always a low-grade fever and always lots of snot. He's a pretty consistent man, so I don't usually have to worry. Anyway, he started with the sneezing and runny nose on Friday and sure enough, 4am Saturday morning he crawled next to me in bed, burning up. I gave him some Advil and lay down in bed with him to get him back to sleep. Not a great sleep for me, but a mommy's gotta do and a mommy's gotta do.

I gave him medication before bed last night (Saturday) and I knew it would wear off around 5am. I woke up, wide awake at 4am to the sound of a doorbell. Not a real doorbell, but a doorbell in my head. This doorbell phenomenon happens to me when I know I'm supposed to be up and somewhere at a certain time. Or maybe when I'm just stressed in general.

I read a study about hearing "phantom phones" and apparently it's a sign of hypervigilance, but I haven't heard about hearing phantom doorbells. Does this happen to anyone else? Or maybe a different noise wakes you up and gets you into action?

Whatever the cause, my super mommy brain woke me up and I went to check on my sleeping, sick child. His forehead was not burning up, luckily. He's not hearing things, he's not stressed, he's not worried. Mommy should take a hint and go back to sleep :)

Life in a Rube Goldberg Machine

So I was lazy this morning (my first mistake) and just handed the kid a bowl of rice krispies while I went to the kitchen to make my breakfast. 

When I got into the living room, there were rice krispies all over the floor, so I had to clean those up. Then I got my breakfast. Then I fed him some more. Then I decided to take off his diaper, like I do every morning, but this time unexpected poo pellets came out. So I reached over to grab a napkin to pick up the poo pellets and knocked my glass of juice off the table. So I then I had juice and poo pellets all over the floor. This excited the child greatly, because anytime there is liquid to be stepped in, it calls out his name. 

So I made the poo pellets a priority, took those and ran into the kitchen to get cloths to wipe up the juice all while yelling, "don't step in it!" 

Went back and cleaned up the juice while a bare-bummed poopy child tried to climb on my back and jump on the couch. Prevented both from happening. With the juice cleaned up, I was able to grab the child and clean him up. Went back and washed the whole floor with the mop. Went back into the kitchen to rinse out the juice-covered cloths and found a big ass mofo centipede having a party in my sink. Took out the electric fly swatter and zapped the crap out of all its mofo nasty legs and threw it outside, cursing at it all the while. Hung up the laundry and that was the end of the chaos...for the moment.

The whole chain reaction of events makes me feel like I live in a Rube Goldberg machine. 

Let Your Child Live Their Own Life

Possibly because we knew going into pregnancy that we had a chance of having a special need's child, I refused to have expectations. After three miscarriages, my only goal was to have a live birth. I'll admit, if given a choice, I really wanted a boy with green eyes (which is what I got, yay!) but I didn't want to have any expectations as to the type of person he would become.

I think also, after our first miscarriage, I realised how quickly we build expectations the minute we discover we're pregnant. Right away you start imagining what he or she may look like, you wonder if it's a boy or a girl, you day-dream about university graduations, weddings, her first period, a first driving lesson...it goes on and on. When all goes well, this can be an enjoyable part of pregnancy. When you have a miscarriage, all those dreams die along with the baby. So I quickly realized, or maybe it was a coping mechanism, that it was best never to get my hopes up and not to have any expectations about the developping child. Just being pregnant, even one day, became my whole focus and where I directed my gratitude.

Even after a healthy pregnancy, I've seen people mourning what they hoped their child would become after they received a special need's diagnosis. But I think saying, "he'll never drive a car or never get married" and being sad about it does two things: it imposes your view of how you think this other person's life should be lived and it sets limitations on your child. Unless you can see the future, why be sad about things he/she *might* not be able to do? Things can often change, they may surprise you. Also, how important are these things you want them to accomplish? Maybe they won't drive a car, but will be an amazing painter. Is that so bad? You could have a perfectly "normal" child who hates driving and never wants to get married.

Are they happy? Are they relatively healthy? Isn't that all that really matters?

I think regardless of your child's health status, you shouldn't put your hopes and fears on them. It's for them to learn, make mistakes and find their way in life.
The fact is, you lived your life. It's time to let your child live theirs.

Important Life Lessons

This evening, my son farted, sniffed with his nose in the air like something stinks, then pointed at me. The cheek!

I told him, "whoever smelt it, dealt it!" It's important he learns that important life rule early.

There's No Instruction Manual

No nothing makes sense
Nothing seems to fit
I know you'd hit out
If you only knew who to hit...
-Acrobat by U2

I find since getting pregnant and then having a child, my life just hasn't gone quite as planned. Though, come to think of it, I'm no longer sure what my plans were. I think I thought some things would just flow easier and others would be harder and in reality, none of those things were the case!

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in a lot of ways: Do we adopt, or do I try to get pregnant? Do we worry about my child's weight and development, see more specialists or wait and see? Do I disclose all these things in a very public blog on the Internet? Do I start working for myself again?

I don't have a lot of answers right now, but I think the purpose of this post is to tell other moms and dads they're not alone. Your life changes completely when you have a child and not always in ways you'd expect. It's ok not to know what to do or where to go or how to get to the next point. It's probably ok to take it one day and a time and just keep plugging along.

The first thing my dad said when I told him I was pregnant is that, "we all do the best we can at the time and they don't come with an instruction manual."

I guess that's what I have to remind myself.

What little bits of wisdom help you through tough times with kids?