How My ASD Diagnosis Changed Me

It has been just over six months since I got my official ASD diagnosis. It feels longer for some reason, but not in a bad way. It's amazing how much I've changed in the last six months.

I have embraced my diagnosis with open arms, using it as a catalyst for self-discovery and new levels of self-awareness. Mostly, I have felt empowered by it. I feel authentic. I no longer feel ashamed of myself and because of that, I feel I can live more like my true self. I am allowing myself to be me, just the way I am, without negative judgment. And that is so freeing.

I know a lot of people say they feel like diagnosis makes them "act more autistic." I guess I can say a similar thing, in the sense that I am allowing myself to be naturally, quirky me. I no longer try to hide my stims. I accept them as needed and helpful, for the most part.

I "came out" at work, which has been both good and bad. Good because it has given me a way to fight for acceptance and bad in the sense there is still a lack of understanding of what it really means to be Autistic. However, I guess I can't accomplish everything in six short months. Still, there is hope for improvements and I don't regret doing it.

I have felt more empowered to stand up for myself and my family. I would have said I was always a strong person, but truthfully, I lacked certain skills when it came to dealing with my mom. I came to the realization that I was still doing things simply to "keep the peace" or make her happy at the expense of myself and my family. I finally found the courage to put my foot down. Case in point, normally I would have gone to her place for Easter dinner, not because that's what I want, but because it would be what *she* wants and I would suffer through it. She is just a very negative and controlling person and being around her makes me anxious a lot of the time. I refused to go, which of course made her angry, but she'll get over it. Instead of turning my life into chaos and bending over backwards to make it work for her, I've had a very relaxing weekend with my little family at home. That peace of mind is priceless.

I have become better able to let anxiety and other stressful emotions wash over me, rather than panic. I think understanding that my anxiety stemmed mostly from over-stimulation of the senses and learning to listen to and accept my limits, means that I am a much happier and calmer person. Before I didn't really understand what I was panicking about, which can be pretty scary. Now I am more aware of my sensory issues and finding ways to work with them. I accept that I can take time-outs for myself and I can find ways to recharge and cope. I no longer blame myself for what I previously perceived to be "failings" or "weakness."

On this day, which also happens to be my 13th handfasting anniversary, I think back to the vows we wrote for each other. One line was, "to delight in who you are becoming." We knew over time we would both change and we decided to accept that off the bat. I know my husband still delights in what I am becoming and I delight in his changes as well. But I can also say that I am also taking great delight in who I am becoming.

As I sit perched in my new hanging chair - which my husband worked hard to mount for me, knowing it would calm my sensory issues - I can't help but delight in the whole process of becoming more me. 

Marriage Counseling

Hubby and I are nearly done this most recent set of marriage counseling appointments. It's interesting to me how we evolve and there's always something different to try to understand. I took it for granted that he *got* certain things, even when I'd said the same things over and over. Sometimes you need to hear it from someone else, I guess. Or just in a different context. She said something I've been saying to myself for quite a while also - it can be interesting or insightful sometimes to figure out why you do/feel the things you do, but after a while you just have to get on with life! I rarely care in any detail about the causes of my neuroses, I only need answers on how to overcome them. Yes, my parents did bad shit to me. Ok, it's over now, move along!

On the other hand, it might be useful for me to know, but I don't really know how I made the switch to "calming the f&%$ down" when it comes to talking to Hubby. I did realize that previously, I was internalizing things instead of just immediately putting words to what I felt. For example: at the new house, Hubby wants a dishwasher. I don't particularly feel the deep-seated need for one that he has, but I'm willing to go along with it to make him happy. I recently suggested we get a small portable washing machine since the one we'll have when we move will be smaller than what we have now and laundry takes up a significant amount of my time. Hubby said he didn't want two washing machines in the house because he didn't want appliances all over the place. I walked out of the room grumpy.

Previously, I would have gone somewhere to be grumpy, told myself that obviously my husband hated me and I must not deserve a washer because he wants me to suffer doing endless piles of laundry for the rest of my life and so on and so forth. Then at some point later I probably would have blown up at him for something stupid and he wouldn't know what the hell triggered it, so he would think his wife must hate him and not want him around and doesn't love him and .....whatever f'ed up stuff our abused-childhood minds come up with (awww, so much in common!).

THIS TIME, I walked into the living room where he was, and I said in my most grown up voice, "it's not fair that you get a dishwasher and I don't get a washing machine." For realz. And he said, "you know, I thought about it and I agree. You just want to save time, just like I do." Cool. So then we went and had SEX. No, actually, we didn't. The kid was up. But whatevs.

And then I went back to doing whatever I was doing and realized I hadn't yelled at him, so I went back and was like, "I just said how I felt without yelling at you." And it was good. And a magic unicorn farted a rainbow across the sky. 

And that, children, is how you don't have a divorce. The End!