April 30, 2013

Marriage Counseling

onequartermama.ca marriage counseling
Hubby and I are nearly done this most recent set of marriage counseling appointments. It's interesting to me how we evolve and there's always something different to try to understand. I took it for granted that he *got* certain things, even when I'd said the same things over and over. Sometimes you need to hear it from someone else, I guess. Or just in a different context. She said something I've been saying to myself for quite a while also - it can be interesting or insightful sometimes to figure out why you do/feel the things you do, but after a while you just have to get on with life! I rarely care in any detail about the causes of my neuroses, I only need answers on how to overcome them. Yes, my parents did bad shit to me. Ok, it's over now, move along!

On the other hand, it might be useful for me to know, but I don't really know how I made the switch to "calming the f&%$ down" when it comes to talking to Hubby. I did realize that previously, I was internalizing things instead of just immediately putting words to what I felt. For example: at the new house, Hubby wants a dishwasher. I don't particularly feel the deep-seated need for one that he has, but I'm willing to go along with it to make him happy. I recently suggested we get a small portable washing machine since the one we'll have when we move will be smaller than what we have now and laundry takes up a significant amount of my time. Hubby said he didn't want two washing machines in the house because he didn't want appliances all over the place. I walked out of the room grumpy.

Previously, I would have gone somewhere to be grumpy, told myself that obviously my husband hated me and I must not deserve a washer because he wants me to suffer doing endless piles of laundry for the rest of my life and so on and so forth. Then at some point later I probably would have blown up at him for something stupid and he wouldn't know what the hell triggered it, so he would think his wife must hate him and not want him around and doesn't love him and .....whatever f'ed up stuff our abused-childhood minds come up with (awww, so much in common!).

THIS TIME, I walked into the living room where he was, and I said in my most grown up voice, "it's not fair that you get a dishwasher and I don't get a washing machine." For realz. And he said, "you know, I thought about it and I agree. You just want to save time, just like I do." Cool. So then we went and had SEX. No, actually, we didn't. The kid was up. But whatevs.

And then I went back to doing whatever I was doing and realized I hadn't yelled at him, so I went back and was like, "I just said how I felt without yelling at you." And it was good. And a magic unicorn farted a rainbow across the sky. 

And that, children, is how you don't have a divorce. The End!

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