The Ultimate Goals of Positive Parenting

The word 'discipline' comes from the Latin 'disciplina" which means "knowledge" or "instruction." In modern English, a lot of people have added the connotation that discipline involves punishment.

If we look at a related word, "disciple," we see it means "student" or "learner." There's a sense of volition involved as well. This is someone who is eager and willing to learn or follow.

I think we can all agree that children want to learn. They are eager to please and soak up information like sponges. They ask tons of questions and are just trying to understand the world around them. They make the best disciples and we can be the best instructors, if only you nurture that natural curiosity and teach them respectfully.

To accomplish this, we engage in what I call "gentle parenting." Some people call it "positive parenting." I think those terms simply mean that we respect the child as a person, with rights to bodily autonomy and opinions. I don't want my son to obey me or anyone else blindly. I don't want him to fear me. I want him to feel he can come to me when he is overwhelmed, and together we will come up with a solution. I want him to know he has a right to his thoughts and feelings and a right to have them respected.

We can do all that, and do it without punishments. We do not hit, spank, call him names or shame him. We don't put him in "time-outs." We don't take his toys away.

Instead, we do a lot of talking. A lot of negotiating. A lot of getting to the root of understanding what the real issue is. See, kids don't always have the tools or vocabulary to express what they are feeling. Often they do things that may seem unrelated or even opposite to what they are really aiming for. They simply don't have the necessary skills to act in more congruent ways.

It's counter-intuitive to me to punish someone for a lack of maturity or skill. I don't think it accomplishes anything other than shame and distance between you.

Instead, as a parent it's up to me, the adult, to be the model and mature one. If I don't want a child who screams to get what they want, it's important that I lead by example and don't use screaming as my reaction to things I don't like.

If I want my child to be able to say 'no' to things like, for example, an extreme but valid case like molestation, I need to respect his 'no' even when it doesn't suit me and my wants. A child who is scared to say 'no' to their parents will be scared to say 'no' to other family members, friends, or strangers.

I want my son to think for himself and for that, I need to teach him how to make good decisions. This comes from talking about the various outcomes to a situation. For example, one day he said he would like to let our pet bunnies run free in our backyard. I didn't say no, but I did tell him that if we did that, we probably would never see them again. I explained that we don't have good fences, and the bunnies move fast and are not trained. I explained that while it may be possible they would run back towards the house, it was much more possible they would run away. I asked him if he was prepared to deal with that possibility and he decided against it. I believe I met him where he was in his stage of maturity and allowed him to feel empowered making his own choice. If he were only two or three years old, it would have been a different sort of conversation. It probably would have been more along the lines of, "we are not going to let the bunnies run free today because we don't want to lose them, just like we ask you to stay close to us when we go out. We don't want to lose you." That's simple, it explains the reasoning and adds in a lesson that he can relate to - child thinks, "I don't like being lost. Bunnies don't like being lost. Stay with mommy. Bunnies stay with me."

None of this means I never get angry or upset, or that my son is perfectly behaved at all times. Far from it. He still tests the boundaries and I still have to take a deep breath now and then. However, I make it my ultimate goal to remain calm and remember my job is to teach him. I wrote a list of things you can do if you think you are losing control.

I think the main thing to always keep in mind is that you are the adult one in this relationship and it's your duty to model the behaviours you want to see and teach the skills your child needs to develop.

This post is part of the Positive Parenting Day Blog hop, hosted by Thoughts of an Introverted Matriarch

What To Do When You're At Your Wit's End

I've blogged now about how we parent and hopefully given some useful tips.

But, there are times when you're having an awful day and the kids are just jumping off the walls. The toilet is clogged, the garbage is overflowing, you have no clue what to make for dinner, you just want to drink one cup of coffee, and you can't even think for two seconds without being interrupted. What do you do when you're at your wit's end?

You think, "oh yeah, great, One Quarter Mama had all these great tips, but how can I implement them when all I want to do right now is scream? She's never been to my house! I challenge her to come to my house and try out her sanctimonious gentle parenting crap!"

Well, I've had those days, too.
And I would totally go to your house and give you a hand. Just pay my trip over :)

So what can you do in that moment when you think you're about to explode? Try one, or many, of the following tips until you simmer down enough to think clearly.

1) Take a picture.
Grab your smartphone or tablet and take a picture of the mess, accident, tornado or chaos. This is for you, not to share on social media to embarrass your kids or show everyone what crazy demons they can be. This is for you and your partner to look back at and laugh, because one day you will. One day you will sit alone in your room and miss these ridiculous days.
Taking a picture also buys you time to change your thinking and literally reframe the situation. Your kids may also stop trying to kill each other and start posing and looking cute, which helps.

2) Tell your kids you're losing it.
You can be honest and tell them you are not coping. You are modeling human behaviour and giving them the words they can use when they are in the same situation.
It also teaches them about empathy. Often, kids want to help. If you tell them you need help, they are more likely to do something about it. Say something like, "kids! This is getting too loud and chaotic for me. I can't think and I'm getting very upset. Can you help me by picking up your toys and being more quiet? While you are cleaning up, I will go calm down for five minutes alone." Then, providing everyone will be safe, go somewhere alone for five minutes. Eat a chocolate bar in the shoe closet. Go yell at a chair in the shed. Whatevs.

3) Like #2, take a break and walk away for five minutes.
As long as your kids are safe, feel free to step away for five minutes. Lock yourself in a room. Call a friend. Set a timer and play Candy Crush. Or set a timer and cry. But just five minutes, then re-emerge and start again. (If you feel like you need more than 5 minutes and this happens every day or many times a day, you may need more help and I will leave some ideas for resources at the end of this post)

4) Take a deep breath and try to remember how you want your kids to feel.
Do you want to be apologizing to them before bed tonight for completely losing your marbles at them, or do you want to spend that time reading books and cuddling? Sometimes holding that ideal and keeping it in the forefront can snap you out of reacting badly.

5) Remind yourself this is all temporary.
Kids are only this age once. You don't get any do-overs. They do eventually grow out of most behaviours, even if it takes some longer than others.

6) Keep it in perspective.
Did they smear poop on the walls or is your house burning down? While poop wall paper sucks, a house burning down is a much bigger headache. So try to keep what is happening in perspective. It could be worse. I know I'd rather play "what's the smell?" and pick up surprise turds hidden behind the couch than, say, have to deal with a tummy virus. Or blood. Always look on the bright side! :)

7) Don't take it personally.

Your child isn't acting out to hurt you or spite you. They act out because they simply don't know any better. Or sometimes they just need attention. Perhaps you've been distant and distracted all day and it culminates at the end of the day when you are gifted with an epic tantrum of wild proportions. It's nothing personal though, they just don't know how to express their needs.

8) Remember your kids are people.
You wouldn't (hopefully) yell at an adult in public like this, so why do it to your kids? It's not acceptable either way. Try to remember your kids are just tiny humans learning their way in the world. You are in charge of taking care of them, but you do not own them.

So there, I just gave away all my secrets. Most of the time, I just believe my son is having a harder time than I am, since he has way fewer tools and less life experience. That empathy gets me through the rough patches. Also, because I have it very clear in my head that I don't want to be like my parents, it's very easy for me to think, "what would my parents do in this situation?" and then always do the opposite.

On a serious note - if you are really struggling and have thoughts of harming yourself or others, including your children, please call 911 immediately. Isolate yourself from those who are triggering you while you wait for assistance or run to the neighbour's and tell them you need help. Stay on the line with 911 personnel until someone else arrives.

If you're not in crisis, but not coping well, in QC you can walk into any CLSC during opening hours and ask to see a social worker. They will be able to counsel you and provide resources you may benefit from, such as respite or an aide.

Some insurance companies and employers offer a free Employee Assistance Program (EAP), where you can call for assistance 24/7. Immediate counseling can be given over the phone or you can have access to more long term counselling, if needed. You may be able to take parenting classes or anger management.

One book that has helped us a lot is Nonviolent Communication. We've also done some of the TEACH Through Love Program. 

Parenting and Discipline

So I talk big talk about what not to do when it comes to parenting. If you've been reading my blog long enough, you know we're into attachment parenting and gentle parenting.
That, for us, means no time outs, no spanking, no hitting, no yelling, no shaming, no calling names, no empty threats, no lots of things! So you might wonder, what do we do then?

Well, first off, we do discipline our child. We are not against discipline. I find when a lot of people see we don't parent like them, they think we don't discipline. We do.

Our son knows not to hit, spit, kick or punch people. He knows to hold my hand when walking down the street. He listens and obeys (for the most part). Like any four year old, he will have his off days and he will have his testing moments. He acts like a child (which makes sense!) and we respect his limits and don't put him in situations where he would be inclined to act out. We practice going out in public and learning how to behave in different situations during short trips.
So just that explanation gives you an idea of what we do do: we respect limits and keep our expectations within those limits.

We also repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, in the same even tone until he gets it.

I think people forget that repetition and practice are the best ways to learn anything. You don't learn to play the guitar over night. Kids don't learn how to tie their shoes in one afternoon. So when a child has to be told every single night that his dirty clothes go in the laundry hamper, and every night you tell him five times before he makes his way to it, you repeat it every night until one night he does it on his own.

You are creating habits that will last a lifetime. You are not running a race. You are not in a competition to see who learns it fastest. You are not running out of breath (unless you seriously have COPD or emphysema). Surely you have the time to spend teaching your child these simple tasks and habits and can spare a few minutes of your time to remind him/her to put their clothes away.

So reframe your thinking and remind yourself every moment of the day with your child is a teaching moment, not a bad behaviour moment. You have opportunities to teach or punish every day. We choose to teach. Every time.

We empathize with him.
Whatever stage he is at, we remember he is smaller and less powerful than us. Do you remember being 4 or 5? You may or may not. But I can guarantee, while you didn't have a care in the world for the most part or knew anything about banks, the government or mortgages, you did know you were smaller than others and that big people had authority. You did not have fully developed fine and gross motor skills, so things like eating with utensils or brushing your teeth took a lot of concentrated focus and effort. You did not have control of your schedule. There were many things you were not capable of doing and you knew it. You were sometimes envious of others with skills you did not have. You also did not have the capability to think ahead or plan. You became frustrated when you could not make yourself understood. Sometimes things were so overwhelming, you're not even sure what you were feeling, let alone able to verbalize it. Yes, being a kid is fun and carefree, but it's also limiting and confusing. Children don't know how to navigate this giant world of ours. This is even more of a struggle when they have a disability. When you empathize with them and realize they are doing the best they can with the limited skills they have, you realize they need a whole lot more love and understanding than actual punishments.

I have no doubt you do get results from other forms of parenting. Spanking does stop the negative behaviour quickly, but it doesn't help the child cope with whatever they're struggling with. It doesn't teach them negotiation skills. It doesn't teach them problem solving or critical thinking. It teaches them to fear being hit by a person they love.

Similarly, yelling and telling a child they're an "idiot" will probably get them silent and sullen very effectively. It will also teach them they are bad people. It will also teach them you, the person they love and trust the most in the world, think they're an idiot.

It's up to you what you want your child to learn in the long term and I believe gentle parenting techniques will best benefit my son. It takes effort now, but I hope to reap the rewards in the future. And he will, too. He will learn how to compromise and negotiate. He will have a healthy self-esteem. He will learn to think for himself. He will learn people can be trusted not to hurt him, and that loving relationships are those where people treat each other with respect. He will have a healthy sense of morals which are internally reinforced, knowing he should not harm a person - not because there's an external threat to him of being punished by someone else, but quite simply because it is the wrong thing to do.

I can also be sure that looking back on how I chose to parent my child, I know I will not regret not doling out more punishments instead of hugs.

And hey, we all mess up now and then. I would be lying if I said I've never yelled. It's what you do with your mistakes that make a difference. You can try to pretend it never happened and see what kind of interesting things your child internalizes from it, or you can own up to your mistakes, be a role model and apologize for losing your cool. You're the adult. You can make adult choices.