#WondrousWednesdays - Autism Acceptance Interview

Paula is a great Autistic Advocate and she interviewed me for her Interview With Autistics Series. Read all about me here! 

 You should check out the other interviews along with the work she has put into Autism Acceptance - which started as a day, then became a month and then a whole decade. Hopefully by the end of this decade, we'll be further ahead. There's also my post on why we need more acceptance and not awareness. April is coming up and it's considered "Autism Awareness Month" - we need to counter the fear-mongering press with acceptance. 

I Don't Smile For You

I recently read this article about a study showing that Autistic children are seen as less trustworthy and friendly by their NT peers. It triggered me for many reasons - mostly because I was told to smile many times, by many people during my life. My father, too, was seen as unfriendly and intimidating. He was also told that he should smile more at work as well. In which case, he told them to go to hell because he didn't smile to anyone for their benefit. One of the many ways my father rocked.

From the study:

"Children with a diagnosis of autism were rated less trustworthy, and the watchers said they were less likely to want to play with them and to be their friend.

Dr Stagg said: “One of the key things we found with this research was that there was a difference between the children’s facial expressions and their general expressiveness.
“Typically developed children had a more subtle range of expressions, while an autistic child’s face tended to have more exaggerated expressions."

This makes sense, as I've always been told I have a very expressive face. I can easily make a caricature of myself. But to make myself seem more gentle/friendly/approachable/trustworthy in a subtle way? No clue.

Dr. Stagg just won me over with his next statement:

But, Dr Stagg believes this research emphasises the need to promote inter-social skills in both typically developed and autistic children, rather than separating them and trying to “fix” the autistic children’s development.
He said: “You don’t say to a person in a wheelchair, you need to try walking, and so you shouldn’t try to make autistic children be someone they cannot physically be.

Bingo! Yes! Bravo!

This is not to say I'm against change and improving myself. On the contrary, I am always looking for help. However, there are some things I know I will never ever be able to accomplish. Try as hard as I might, I cannot at this age or stage of my life, learn to subtly change my facial expressions. I would also argue that it's not something that an NT person can teach me. It's one of those, "you have it or you don't" things. So much goes into these subtle signs, I would wager your average person is completely unaware of what or how they do what they do. Cues are probably picked up subconsciously. A lot of people take this for granted.

At the same time, the damage of telling a child that they need to smile (or do anything else with their body or behaviour) in order to make others more comfortable is lifelong and affects self-esteem. It takes away their body autonomy as well. It sets them up for trying to become pleasers for other people's benefit.

I can't tell you how many times I was told:

"Smile, you'll look so much more pretty!"
"You look angry! Try smiling more. You have a lovely smile. I want to see it."
"People will like you more if only you smile."
"I don't want to see you with that face."
"Stand up straight and smile so I can look at you properly."
"You'd be beautiful if only you smiled."

I was told this by teachers and other authority figures. I was told this by family members. I was told this by both males and females. I was told this by peers. 

Luckily, probably because of my head-strong father, by the time I was a teen, I did not smile on command. I told people I would smile when I felt like smiling. I told people I was tired of being told I wasn't attractive when I wasn't making the correct facial expression for them. I told them I did not smile for anyone else's benefit.

My body does not exist for your benefit. I'm not a puppet you can play with. My emotions will not change for your benefit. My body is my own and I will do as I please with it. My attractiveness, or perceived lack thereof, has nothing to do with what you think of it. If you are uncomfortable looking at my body or face, I kindly ask you to look away and keep your opinions to yourself.

If you really want to know how I feel, you can ask me and then believe me when I use my words to tell you. But you don't get to change the way I present myself to you. And please don't ask anyone else to do so either.

Optimizing My Workplace

In my on-going effort to come out and make my workplace as suited to my needs as possible, I wrote out a list of little details I think will help others interact with me and understand me better.

I'm not specifically asking for any accommodation. They know I can function within their parameters. But I'm essentially telling them this is how to optimize how I work.

Here's the list I gave them:

1.    I am not ignoring you. Rather, I am often deep in thought, even if I look like I’m staring into space. Because of this, I do not always catch the beginning of a question, greeting or statement. Don’t be shy to repeat what you said, wave or tap me on the shoulder to get my full attention. It’s not because I don’t want to interact. Give me a second to disengage from whatever it was I was doing, so I can properly tune in to you. Also, speak slower.

2.    I lack the awareness to know if I should join into a group or meeting, so I need to be specifically asked or invited to join. I often do not join in, not because I don’t want to, but because I cannot tell if my presence is wanted/welcome.
Because of the above, I may also leave a situation abruptly or earlier than others, without much social grace. Again, I don’t intend to be rude. I really am that clueless.

3.    I am very firm in my beliefs and can become very passionate about getting my points across.  This outburst of passion is not anger or irritation and not directed at anyone personally. I am capable of judging ideas and separating that from the character of a person. I can completely disagree with something you say and still respect you as a person. You’ll find that once I’ve chosen you to be my friend, I am very loyal.

4.    My facial expressions may not always reflect my actual emotions. I suffer from “Resting Bitch Face” probably. Smiles and nervous laughter can mask sadness and fear. Despite my often stern or serious look, I have a quick sense of humour, and I am silly and open-minded. Not much fazes me and because I enjoy researching different aspects of human life, I feel like I’ve seen it all. In general, I like to play Devil’s Advocate and try not to judge. When I am angry for real though, I don’t hide it and you will know.

5.    I like to talk about music, health and medicine, alternative health and diet, motherhood and children, languages and grammar, travel, and religions.
I am not at all well-versed in fashion or make-up.  I dislike watching movies, so I tend not to get references to those things. I do like watching TV series like The Amazing Race, Sherlock, Orange is the New Black, Locked Up…
I have a fascination with prison life and the criminal mind.

6.    I consider myself to be androgynous. I do not care for stereotypical gender roles. I love cooking, baking, canning, sewing, knitting and playing guitar. But I also enjoy fixing minor issues on my car, installing things like ceiling fans and lights, plumbing, and general home maintenance.

7.    I really like making lists.
 

2013: Year In Review

Time for our annual Year In Review post! Here's 2012 if you want a blast from the past.

-At the beginning of the year, I was asked a fairly common question, which I still don't have an answer to.

-The Little Man started making up words to things he did not know or could not remember, with interesting results. Very creative!

-He became obsessed with Science Is Real (still is!). Because of that CD, he knows the order of the planets by heart. We are all very proud.

-He had his first assessment for school (the one he's at now). Very happy he was accepted. He's such a charmer.

-We bought our first house!

-I went on vacation by myself and came back jet lagged.

-I went to BlogHer13

-I got diagnosed with ASD!

-I started my Wondrous Wednesdays series.

-The Little Man started school! Doesn't he look like a big boy?!

-I started being an Autistic Self-Advocate and took part in a flash blog.

-I started to become more self-aware of my Autistic self and its benefits.

-We had a great birthday party for the Little Man.

-I expressed my dislike of Autism $peaks just a bit before their horrible call to action.

-I started trying to let people know Autism is not contagious!

-I came out as Autistic at work.

-We had to move out of our house during renovations and that was stressful.

Now we're back home and had Christmas dinner at my mom's, where I got angry at her and left (maybe I will make a post about that later). We are all happy to be back and ready for the new year.

Thank you for being part of our lives over this past year! Happy New Year!

I'm Not Sorry About Autism

You don't usually hear conversations that go like this:

"My son's eyes are blue."

      "You must be strong. It's because God knows you can handle it."

"I have black hair."

     "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What's it like for you?"

"My husband is white."

     "That must be so hard to deal with."

"My best friend has an IQ of 114."

      "You're such a saint to be his friend."

With the exception of hair dye, the sort of attributes I mention above can't really be changed. They are part of the person - the way they were born. So is autism. It's part of me, part of my son. I'm not sorry about it. It's just a small part of what makes us who we are.

So imagine my surprise when my husband tells the plumber working on our house that our son is Autistic and he tells my husband he's, "so sorry."
(Also lucky I wasn't there or he would have gotten an ear full)

I don't know any other life without autism and I don't know my son without autism either. We would not be the same people. I'm not sorry about who I am. It's different, but there's no reason to feel sorry for us.

You may be interested in I Make No Excuses

Surviving The Holiday Office Party ASD-Style

I recently wrote about coming out Autistic at work and an update on that, but unlike a regular work day, an office party can throw a whole lot of unexpected at you.

I'd say this party was the best one for me yet. Because of my recent diagnosis and better understanding of myself, I was better prepared. Essentially, what official diagnosis did for me was give me permission to take better care of myself. It's not that I didn't know what to do before, it's that I didn't listen to myself and thought I should just keep forcing myself to do and be things I am not so great at. I thought I was being weak or stupid. I thought if I just kept pushing, eventually I would change and everything would be "normal." Fighting with myself got me no where. I finally stopped fighting.

Did I still make social blunders? Yes! Do I care any more? No. (Unless I hurt someone, then I would apologize. But if I just look silly and socially inept, I no longer care)

So here's how I prepared for the party:

As soon as the party date, place and time were announced, I added it to my Google Calender. Then I printed out the directions on how to get there from Google Maps. I already knew what dress I would wear (I bought it in the fall) and which shoes. This was about 3 weeks in advance.

My department also decided to hold a gift exchange on the same day as the party, so I had to plan to go out and buy a gift. I went out and got it on the weekend about 2 weeks before.

The week of the party, I made sure to get enough sleep and eat well leading up to the day, especially the night before. Not enough sleep before the party would have lowered my coping skills.
Eating well, for me, also means not doing anything else new or different. No eating out (because there can be surprises!) or doing anything particularly novel. Too many different experiences in one week lower coping skills.

The night of the party, I go home after work first, even though it would be easy to go straight to the venue. Going home first allows me to recalibrate. I can see my hubby and kid, eat familiar foods, and get ready in a familiar environment. Stress of the unknown would be building by now. I eat before parties because I never know if there will be something I can eat where I'm going or if it would be available on time. Being hungry lowers coping mechanisms as well.

I also do not usually drive people to the venue. Even though I think it would be fun to get ready with someone, it would be too much stress to either wait for someone else who is running late or have them waiting for me. I've done it before and I don't like the feeling.
This aspect can be difficult socially because I don't drink alcohol and I would be the perfect designated driver. However, I really can't stand being around drunk people and wouldn't want them in my car. So while it would make complete economic, social (maybe even moral) and environmental sense for me to drive other people, for the sake of my own sanity, I really can't. This is just one of my limits.

I don't usually wear make up, but I do for special occasions like parties, and it takes me awhile to apply make up and also get used to the feeling of it on my face. Some of my stims involve touching my face and not being able to do it takes away another coping mechanism.

Getting out the door can be challenging. Now back in the comfort of home, it's hard to leave it again, especially knowing the night will be loud and filled with the unknown.

Navigating to a new place can add to the stress, but I've gotten a lot better at this over time.

Whew, I'm tired already just writing about it!

So I've made it to the venue. Now it's time to work on the social part. As a woman in an IT company, I expect to get stared at, especially in a dress. It's not bad, I do not mind attention, but it's more than I'm used to. Here we follow the French tradition of the two cheek kiss. I can't understand why at parties, we are supposed to greet our co-workers, who we've just been with a mere few hours ago, with a kiss or handshake just because we're at a party. But that's what we do and I can be awkward about it. Some people shake hands at the same time. Some people hug. I never really know. It's amazing we all don't just bash heads.

My work always offers a buffet, which is good and bad. Bad because I dislike food that has been touched by a lot of people. Good because I can take as much "safe" food as I like. There was a whole seafood section this year, which I can't eat at since I'm allergic to shellfish. There was sushi amongst all that, which I like but wouldn't go near in case of cross-contamination. So that option was gone.
I usually stick to vegetarian options when eating out, which always leads to questions about what I'm eating or not eating. Invariably, I am offered wine or some alcohol and I have to keep saying, "no." I'm just glad I'm not an alcoholic because it's annoying to always say no and the questions that go along with it. If we're going to use the spoon theory to apply to this, I'd say these questions make me lose a few spoons.

I'm not a fan of small talk, but I also don't like talking about work when not at work. I understand this makes it difficult to be social. At the same time, I have absolutely no problem sitting in silence and just looking at my surroundings, but other people, evidently, have an issue with this and will go to great lengths to avoid it.

This year there was a show on stage after eating that involved four topless men banging on drums. It was quite loud. Too loud for me at least. I had to cover my ears. I did that for a bit but then got tired of covering my ears. Despite me liking drums and topless men who weren't hard on the eyes, I could not enjoy the show, so I walked away from the stage. Being the only person walking away in the middle of a show with her fingers in her ears attracts attention, unfortunately - I got some stares, but I felt better removing myself from the situation, rather than standing there and pretending to enjoy something I wasn't, thus losing more spoons.

Then it was dance time. I like dancing and know how to dance, but I refuse to dance to music I don't like. This makes me a bad dance partner because depending on the DJ, I will walk on and off the dance floor. This is not a problem for men usually. It's a problem when dancing in those little circles of women, who need people with them in order to dance. As I've gotten older, I no longer care if someone is dancing with me or not. In my case, at my company which is mostly filled with IT guys, one will usually appear quickly and start dancing with or nearby.

As the night wears on, people start to become more and more intoxicated and I become more and more annoyed by their presence. They are no longer able to hold a conversation of any value. They invade personal space even more than normal. They act obnoxious, and being an emetophobe, I also fear them being sick. I try to make my exit before people get too annoying.

I also have to make calculations based on how tired I am and if I can drive myself home safely. I also time leaving based on what demands I will have the next day or over the weekend. I calculate how much sleep I can get based on what time my son usually gets up. He's pretty predictable, but you never know. Kids seem to have a tendency to get up earlier after you've gone to bed really late.

I left just after 2am, so I got 4 hours sleep last night. I was thinking of napping today while the Little Man was, but decided to write this draft instead. I would never have dreamed of such a thing before (would have slept in until I could catch up on sleep) but having a kid has trained me to know I can manage on less sleep, at least in the short term. I will go to bed earlier tonight and tomorrow to compensate.

I hope you can gain an appreciation for the amount of planning that goes into what most people take to be a simple and fun evening out with friends.

EDIT: There's an update to this post here. 

Autistic At Work

You may also be interested in my post about Autistic people finding jobs and my first post about coming out at work.

It's been a month and a half since I came out at work, so I thought I would update.

I pretty much just drop subtle hints here and there. I have put up the "no puzzle piece" logo on my desk, as well as a pin that says, "I love my Autistic brain."

One of my teammates confided he believes he might also be Autistic. (Autism must be contagious)

I have a great work environment that is most interested in using people's natural talents, rather than trying to force us into molds. While I do have to learn certain things for my job, the tasks I am given are based on my strengths. I also have a boss who freely gives praise where its due. This really helps me.

He also praises me for accomplishing things he now knows are harder for me than other people. At the same time, he tells me where I've done less than optimal things and shows me how to correct them (usually communication with other departments). In other words, he's slowly teaching me social skills. In general, he takes care of the social aspect for the team, but he's also teaching us to be able to fend for ourselves.

In general, I believe I owe a lot to just being in a great environment. I don't have any regrets disclosing my diagnosis. I simply feel freer to just be myself.


You might also be interested in reading, Asperger's on the Job (Canada) or Asperger's on the Job (US version). This book helped me make the decision to come out at work with confidence and I lent a copy to my boss to read. 

Why I Don't Like Functioning Labels

"We are all different - but we share the same human spirit. Perhaps it's human nature that we adapt - and survive" -Stephen Hawking

Labels are always such a loaded subject. They can also become a divisive issue for all of us. "High-functioning" and "low-functioning" seem to be medical terms applied by lay people, often with either a sense of pride or a hope for pity and commiseration.

I see the word "function" as an action that does something, but that's it. A car can function without doors and windows. A car can function with a broken horn. It can even function without a working speedometer or lights. It can function with just the last dregs of gas left. A car can function, quite loudly albeit, without a muffler. How a car functions has no bearing on the comfort of the ride, the speed you get there, or its safety.

Similarly, a person's "functioning level"  has nothing to do with the quality of their life, their intelligence or capability to contribute to society. Functioning is decided by outside societal factors of what people deem "acceptable" or tasks that everyone should be able to do. Usually things like dressing oneself, feeding oneself, living independently. It's all relative and very similar the concept of "success." Success to one person might mean a large screen TV in a large house, with multiple fancy cars. Success to someone else might be a lifetime of nomadic travel with few possessions. Success to another might be a high school diploma and a job they are passionate about. Success to yet another may be staying home raising children.

I believe the concepts of both success and functioning should be up to the individual. If the person is happy, that's what matters. If being alive and sharing their presence with others is good for them, then so be it. Whether or not you can use the toilet independently has nothing to do with your level of intelligence. Whether or not you can speak, should have nothing to do with the work you can earn a living at, the art you can create or the volunteer time you can commit to helping others.

Let's take a look at Stephen Hawking, for example. He has a brilliant mind. He needs help to eat. He cannot walk. He can no longer speak. In fact, he needs assistance for all of his every day tasks. Despite this, he claims to be happy and is still publishing books. If you were to put a functioning label on his every day capability to complete even mundane tasks, it would be "low." If you put a functioning label on his book writing abilities and the insight he shares with the world, it would be "high." So how should this label be applied if it is to be applied fairly?

Or take a look at this study claiming even so-called "high functioning" Autistic people still struggle with life as an adult. Does high-functioning equal happy? Does it equal productive? What does it really mean?

What about people with MS? Some days they wake up with a good amount of energy to get through the day and a clear mind. Other days they wake up totally blind or with paralysis. Which label applies to them and when?

If high-functioning means I can feed myself, dress myself and use a toilet, is that all there is to life? If a person was considered "normal" and their functioning is reduced due to an accident or illness, is their life less worthy? Or of less value? Are their thoughts suddenly discounted?

As your grandparents aged and their bodies became unreliable, did you love them any less? Did what they have to say become useless? Were they just a waste of space?

There are people who are "high-functioning" - they can hold a conversation, use the toilet, feed themselves and such, but they are in prison for murder, and thus, not contributing to society. Does a function label really matter?

I've left a lot of open-ended questions so people can answer them for themselves. I won't be using functioning labels, however. Not for me, not for my son or anyone else. There have been episodes in my life where I was truly low-functioning. It's important to remember that functioning can change over time, and even from day to day and minute to minute. Functioning is not the be-all and end-all of life. There's so much more to life than just functioning. 

Contagious Autism

I make no secret of the fact my son currently attends a private school dedicated solely to educating autistic kids. From Kindergarten to grade 11, it's 100% autistic kids. Heck, even some of the board members and teachers may be also. I'm pretty sure for one of the board members. Anywho!

They do offer inclusion, where students can spend a few days a week with a shadow at a local public "normal" school. However, my son is only 4 and not potty trained, so I have not taken advantage of this option. I'd rather him spend 100% of his time being 100% safe and supported, while taking full advantage of all the included therapies (speech, OT, music) he receives there and enjoys so much. 

All that said,  at some point, someone (like my mom) will say something like, "but if he's with autistic people all the time, he'll learn to be more autistic!"

Funny, isn't it?

When gay people are surrounded by predominantly straight people, do they become more straight?
When white people hang around black people, do they become black?
If men hang around a bunch of women, do they become female?
If blind people hang around sighted, do they gain sight?

Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

At the same time, let's just address this point: even if hanging around other autistics made one more autistic, is that really so bad? Is that really the worst thing that could happen? I can think of a whole lot of worse things my kid could come home with.

Also, what does it even mean, to be more autistic?

Just how we stop getting invited to play dates and parties, there's this strange fear that autism is contagious.

I'm aware kids can pick up habits from other kids, good and bad, but that happens at any school. That's not particular to disabled kids. And I can assure you, you will not become autistic from reading my blog or spending time in my presence.

I can tell you what I know for sure my son learns from attending this school:
He learns to accept differences.
He learns to communicate with all types of people.
He learns the spectrum is wide and we are all unique.
He learns to look beyond the superficial and get to know people for what's inside, because that's what counts.
He learns that though people may do certain things differently from him, they are still valid and can make important contributions.

I'd much rather him come home himself, autism included, than come home with head lice! 

Is School Safe?

(Trigger Warning: abuse of power, injuries against a disabled person)

Just recently, I wrote about law enforcement abusing their powers and how they may not always be trusted to protect when it comes to the special needs population. Scarier still, these sort of "above the law" attitudes can infiltrate all areas of society, including our school boards and schools.

This seems to be what happened last month to Shawna, mother and blogger at InnerAspie. About three weeks into the school  year, her normally happy and active 9 year old Autistic son, who she refers to as "Beans" in her blog, became quiet and extra cuddly. A bit before this, her maternal instincts told her something didn't seem quite right. She was not getting very clear information from his teacher in his communication book each day and he also completely stopped drinking. Looking for more feedback and answers, she scheduled a visit with the teacher.

Before this meeting could take place though, he came home one day with horribly bruised wrists (pictures on her blog). She immediately took him to the ER for x-rays. He is non-verbal, so she could not get any clear answers from him about what possibly happened. The next day, she took him to his regular doctor, who said the marks looked like he had been restrained. They could see the imprint in his skin of what could possibly have been a shoe print or jewellery. It is very hard to tell from x-rays of all the small bones in the wrists of a still-growing child, but there was possibly a small fracture.

No one thought to call and inform her of this. It did not happen in her home or on the bus - it had to have happened at school and no one is owning up to it. Even if it was an accident, why didn't anyone contact her to say what happened? These bruises were so huge, how could they not have been seen?

She called the police to make a report and was sent to the school police department, which is not exactly the most impartial authority, but she had no choice. Through their investigation, she was able to find out his para took him off his morning bus and reported the bruises to the nurse (the para claims). The nurse only has a record of examining the child at 10:30am. Why did it take her two hours to see him? The nurse said she wanted to call the parents, but that the teacher told her not to.

Really?

You know what? If my child were injured at school, I would much rather get two phone calls, even if they are redundant, than to get no phone call at all. Even with all this, no one is able to explain where these bruises came from. There are only three children (including Beans) in this class. These children are not supposed to be left alone. How could no one see an injury like this? Why doesn't anyone know what happened?

Even with all of the authorities involved - from police, to Child Protective Services, to the Special Ed Coop (which governs about 16 schools) - no one is admitting any wrong doing and she has no answers or solutions. So she is doing what she can do to keep her child safe - she is keeping him home and will home school him for at least this year, until either another school or safe option can be found.

This is a horrible disservice to an innocent child who did nothing wrong, never had any issues with school before and loves going to school. He is the one losing out on being out with his classmates because a teacher, or someone at the school, could not keep him safe. Did someone abuse their power and decide that forcibly restraining a 9 year old boy was the right thing to do? This person is still in contact with other children. Are these children safe?

What Shawna wants now is for everyone to know this story and for the higher governing bodies to know what is going on in their local districts. The lack of accountability in this case is appalling and it needs to be known. This is also tax-payer's money feeding these systems and this system is falling this boy and many other special needs children, no doubt. Remember that for every story you do hear about, there are always countless others suffering in silence because they do not have the resources or capacity to challenge. 

It's Pumpkin Time!

I stopped off at the grocery store after work last night and decided to pick up a little pumpkin. I opened the door and said, "hey, Little Man, I have a surprise for you!"

Oh my goodness, I wish I had videotaped the whole reaction because he just went off and starting talking all about carving pumpkins! It was great. He was talking a mile a minute, "we're going to draw a face on it and cut it and put a candle in it and we're gonna love it and we have to scoop out the yucky stuff and...."

I did take pictures, but like I said, I really wished I had videotaped the whole surprise. I didn't expect him to be so excited, lol!

Pumpkin Carving Time!

Speaking of Halloween though, I really better hurry up and finish his costume! 

Autistic But Not Afflicted

Tweet from AutismTips says: "Family support is critical cos autism affects the entire family not just those afflicted with it."

Affliction: read the definition - which contains words like grievous and unfit.

So maybe you can see why I might be a little annoyed at being told I am "afflicted with autism," as if it's some sort of disease. I am not in constant distress or pain. I'm also not contagious, in case anyone was worried.

Just like a person is not afflicted with blindness or afflicted with deafness - they are Blind and Deaf, and I am Autistic. We are not suffering. We are simply different. And I keep harping that different is not wrong because maybe if I repeat it often enough, maybe at some point people will start believing me.

It all comes down to what other people consider "quality of life" and what people consider "success" in society. We need to broaden the definitions of what it means to have a happy and successful life, and what constitutes a valid contribution to society. These things might not look average or usual, but they can still be valid.

Until we get to that point, some people will see disabled people as afflicted or suffering, and people will insist on pitying what they don't understand. 

#WondrousWednesdays - Dada!

This Wondrous Wednesday, I'm introducing you to Hubby, also known as Dada! As usual, I let the interviewee do most of the talking:

I live in Montreal with my wife Kelly and our four year old son. I run My Secret Atheist Blog (MySecretAtheistBlog.com), am pretty sure I probably have some form of ADD (not yet diagnosed), work in the medical field, and I have degrees in Computer Science and Classics. I was very Catholic but now an Atheist and rather angry at Catholicism and religion. Thankfully I have a blog in which to vent!

What is your biggest challenge with your family member’s disability?

Serious communication problems can sometimes occur. It’s fairly normal for family members’ brains to work differently, but when you have a family where likely everyone has a disorder that can affect communications, there is no baseline with “normal” at all.

The real challenge is to remember not to read extra meaning into what Kelly says, and for me to communicate how I feel, which often means stopping to try to figure out what I feel.

The more my wife and I have begun to understand ourselves and each other (through books and the Internet), the easier it has become for us to understand each other and to realize we’re actually all a very good fit for each other.

What is the greatest gift from your family member’s disability?

There is never a dull moment in our house because we have a house full of very original thinkers!

My son is probably the happiest and most vibrantly alive person I know. He is brimming full of life and enthusiasm - more so than any child I have ever seen. What may seem mundane to most people fascinates him. The Little Man speeds through life as if every second counts. I hope he never loses this sense of wonder.

My wife is the most honest person I know who always tells things like they are. The only mind games going on between us are the ones I will occasionally project into the meaning of the words she uses.

What’s one thing you want people to know about your family member’s disability that many don’t seem to understand?

That although my son is autistic, he’s not stupid. Although he may not appear to be listening, he can still hear. And although he may have problems expressing himself, he still has important things to say.

I think there is this misconception that because he is autistic and doesn’t always appear to be listening that he cannot hear or understand what’s going on. This is far from the truth.

Even I am guilty of thinking this way. Before he got his iPad I didn’t have a grasp of just how much he knew. It wasn’t until I saw him easily completing all the puzzle games and challenges in his apps and actually excelling far beyond what one may expect for his age that I realized just how intelligent he really is.

Now that his verbal skills are better this isn’t so much of a problem, but it does give me pause and make me reconsider how difficult it must be for those who have challenges speaking or expressing themselves yet have no intellectual disability.

What has been the best part of maintaining a blog?

I find writing really therapeutic, andI feed the activist in me by writing as well. I believe my blogging helps the atheist movement and the atheist community here in Canada, and may help to inform readers in other countries as well.

I also use my blog to support a small Secular Humanist primary school in Uganda. So far, using the blog as a platform, I have managed to raise enough money to provide a chicken coop to help bring eggs and meat to the children. I have also helped them purchase new land for a permanent home for the school, and helped them bring electricity to the new land through fundraisers partnering with Atheist Alliance International. Right now I am trying to raise enough money for the school to begin building classrooms on the new land.

What is a typical day like in your life?

On the weekdays I wake up having had not enough sleep. It has to do with my early morning schedule. On the weekends I wake up to a four year old lying on my chest and breathing into my face, telling me it’s time to wake up. I can think of many worse things to wake up to than a smiling child though.

What’s your favorite pastime?

I have a few right now. I like to write on my blog, play with my son, watch television and spend time with my wife.

What’s your favorite food/drink?

When it comes to junk foods, I love them pretty equally. Pizza, rotisserie chicken, hamburgers, American Style Chinese food. You name it, I love it.

Anything else you’d like to share - a tip, words of wisdom, a recipe, a poem?

Do your best to live in the moment and not worry too much about things you have no control over.

Would you like to recommend other bloggers my readers would be interested in reading?

I have so little time outside of work and home that most of it is filled with me indulging my thirst for writing by blogging. But I do enjoy reading the Ramblings of Sheldon. He’s an ex IFB Christian who now considers himself agnostic. He also suspects he may be autistic.

I’ve also been following Conor Robinson’s blog, Godless Pilgrim (http://pathfindersproject.com/conor/). He’s the head of a group of humanist Pathfinders who are sort of like a secular Peace Corps.

Handwriting With Trauma

My son's school uses the Handwriting Without Tears program. Sounds great, right? I don't know much about it, but anything without tears sounds like a good thing to me. The teaching character is called Mat Man. My son loves Mat Man, apparently.

But three weeks into school, he suddenly hates the song that goes along with the program. Like, he's terrified. Like, they had to remove him from the class while it was playing terrified.

I don't know exactly which song it is, so I don't know what it is about it that has triggered him. The one I found on YouTube sounds pretty snazzy to me!



I asked him about it and he just said it upsets him. So I don't really want to prod too much. I don't really think he has the words to explain it to me either right now. Oh well, the teachers will just have to have him sit out for the time being.

Pregnancy and Autism - What It's Like

I wrote pretty much every day of my pregnancy with the Little Man in my (shared online) personal journal. People commented that it was extremely detailed - I became extremely introspective during my pregnancy and I realize now, looking back, that I was experiencing sensory overload, pretty much 24/7. Which is kind of understandable when having someone in your space 24/7 for 41.4 weeks. Not only that but the Little Man was really good at making his presence known - he exhibited what some believe to be an early sign of Autism, which is increased fetal movement. It felt like I had Animal from the Muppet Show playing drums in my uterus every morning at around 4am. Other times too, but 4am was one of his favourite times, unfortunately. I actually had to get up and walk around the house, trying to rock him back to sleep. He would quiet down and then I would lie down again and he would start up again. I was pretty much always tired while pregnant.

Me pregnant with the Little Man

Anyway, back to other issues, some of which I believe are experienced by NTs, but maybe it's a bit more sensitive to those on the spectrum. If you're an Autistic who has been pregnant, feel free to share your experiences in the comments for the benefit of others.

1) My skin felt itchy from the inside.

2) I did not want to be touched by anyone. I accepted hugs with express permission, but they had to be firm ones.

3) My personal space perimeter grew by a few extra feet.

4) I wanted complete silence, pretty much all the time. It took me a long time to crawl out of this state, which I wrote about here.

5) Despite my wheat intolerance, I found myself more able to digest more things, including citrus. It was as if my IBS/digestive issues disappeared.

6) Like I said, I became very introspective and very withdrawn. I overanalyzed every emotion and pretty much wanted to be alone in a cave in the forest.

7) It sounds contradictory, but I also became hypersexual. Every experience felt more intense.

I asked on the woman's Aspie group I'm on and I can't say the majority of them had these same issues to the same extent, so I think a lot of these were more caused by my SPD than my Autism.

On the plus side, many of us did NOT have horrible morning sickness. Maybe we're less likely to actually vomit?

The main point I want to make is if you're Autisic and concerned about being pregnant, you will make it through ok.

When it comes to labour, I'd say the vast majority of us (the Autistic women I spoke to) were very calm and quiet during our labours. This, unfortunately, meant nurses did not take our need for pain relief seriously. Many underestimated our stage of labour. This does not mean if I have to do labour again that I will put on an act in order to get some help, nor do I think any woman should have to do that. We need to be believed at our word - all women, not just Autistic women. Just because we are quiet, does not mean we are not in great pain. Some of us were lucky to have an advocate with us (an understanding partner) who were able to convince medical staff that we really are in pain. But that's not the case for everyone and that doesn't make any sense really. What needs to happen is the woman always needs to be respected and greater understanding for the Autistic experience needs to happen. 

#WondrousWednesdays - One Quarter Mama

The people I've asked to interview have been super busy (such is life!) so I'm answering this week's questions myself and maybe giving some of you a little more info. Feel free to ask me anything in the comments!

My name is Kelly and I write http://OneQuarterMama.ca. When I have time, I also write http://SoloWomanTraveler.ca.

I'm in my early 30s, married to an amazing man and have a four year old Little Man.

I am on the spectrum and have Sensory Processing Disorder. Our son is on the spectrum and dyspraxic/apraxic. We believe Hubby has ADHD, but aren't sure yet.

What is your biggest challenge with your (or your family member’s) disability?

Oouf! Big question! Probably society's lack of acceptance for differences.

What is the greatest gift from your (or your family member’s) disability?

I've written before about the benefits of my Autistic brain. The greatest gift from my son is well, just him being him. I am lucky I have him and he lights up my day. There hasn't been a day he hasn't made me smile and he has taught me patience and perseverance.

What’s one thing you want people to know about your (or your family member’s) disability that many don’t seem to understand?

He's NOT stupid. Autism does not make you stupid. Autism does not make you behave badly. Autism does not mean you don't care about anyone. We are not in our own world. We're here with you, communicating and loving you, but we sometimes speak a different language. Learn our language and really listen to us. You'll see we're smart, loving and amazing people.

What has been the best part of maintaining a blog?

I love connecting with so many different people. I have learned SO MUCH from other people. They inspire me and keep me going on days where I feel hopeless. 

What is a typical day like in your life?

I am woken up either by the human child alarm (he's very accurate) or a clock alarm at around 7:45am. We say our good mornings and get dressed for the day. I get him breakfast and put him on the bus for school. Then I take a shower and have breakfast before leaving for work. I work a normal 8-hour day in a large office and get home around 7pm. Hubby and son have already eaten supper by the time I get home, so they do bath time while I eat. Then I make his lunch for tomorrow and get him ready for bed. Hubby does the rest of the bedtime ritual and I organize myself for the next day. I blog, read or watch a bit of TV. Then it's off to bed usually by 11pm and we start all over again.

What’s your favourite pastime?

Writing and listening to music. I guess that's two. I'm allowed to cheat because this is my blog :p

What your favourite food/drink?

Food: chocolate maybe? Drink: chai tea

Anything else you’d like to share - a tip, words of wisdom, a recipe, a poem?

I'll share my favourite quote, which I have tattooed to my arm: Sobald du dir vertraust, sobald wiesst du zu Leben - Goethe

"The sooner you trust yourself, the sooner you know how to live." Life is so much less scary when you trust yourself and your instincts. When you doubt yourself, you get lost.