Not All Opinions Are Equal

In another form of tone policing lives the statement: we all need to come together, get along, and all opinions should be respected.

Actually no. All opinions do not need to be respected. Not all opinions are equal.

You might have the opinion that killing kittens on the weekend is totally acceptable. I am under absolutely no obligation to respect your opinion. Just as much as you have a right to kill kittens, I have a right to tell you I think you're wrong. I am under no obligation to "get along" with you just because we also both happen to like the colour red. I am under no obligation to respect the fact you do it in the privacy of your home. All I can do, is report it to law officials and let them decide, but other than that, I don't need to respect your actions.

Similarly, some opinions are just wrong. I do not have to respect opinions that don't make any scientific sense. I don't have to respect people who shove bleach up their kid's ass because they think it will cure autism. Actually, I think that's child abuse, so no, I will not respect that.

I'm not really sure where this idea of "respecting" opinions comes from. I can agree to disagree with you and move on, but I have no need or desire to respect you or your opinions. Of course, you are free to do the same with me.

When we're talking about a divided community, no, I will not unite with people I can't respect. Especially ones who do harm. I, quite frankly, don't want you on my team or trying to represent me. Because you don't. We have about as much in common as a snail and a car transmission.

When it comes to the autism community, the ones who get the biggest share of the voice pie are actually Autistic people. Then come allies. I don't have to listen to the input of allies, but allies should for sure listen to mine. It's not fair, you say? Well, life isn't fair, is it? I get to be in charge of my story and that narrative, and if you want to help, the best thing you can do is to listen and repeat it. That's it! Your job is complete!

You don't get to change the story or tell me to edit my tone or delivery of it. You also don't get to blame me for dividing the community because you hear something you don't like. Either you're an ally, you're or not. If you no longer agree with the story, you don't have to keep reading it or repeating it. And none of that is my fault. You're in charge of what you do and I'm in charge of what I do.

The autism community is not divided, you just don't happen to agree with some parts of it, but the vast majority of us agree on the major points and either you're with us, or you're not. 

Nice People Don't Deserve to be Called Out and Other Myths

I'm not sure if this qualifies as tone policing, but it tends to get trotted out shortly after the always popular and dismissive, "well, you're being too sensitive, so your opinion doesn't matter" part of an online discussion where I have pointed out something offensive that someone has said or posted.

The phrase is sometimes said by the person being called out, or by their friends and it's: "don't pick on me/them, I'm/they're a really good person! They didn't intend to offend and they have ______ friends/family members."

Louis C.K. quote from QuotesBerry.com that says, "when a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

It's the old, "I can't be racist, I have a black friend" trope, mixed in with this bizarre idea that nice people can never mess up and accidentally offend anyone. Just like how a nice person could never accidentally get into a car crash because we all know, they didn't intend to! Sounds funny, doesn't it? That's because it makes no sense.

Even if, let's say, you are the nicest person in the world and you would never intend to hurt a fly - and even if, let's say, I'm really super amazingly sensitive, if I tell you I'm hurt/offended, the really super nice thing to do is sit with that fact for two seconds and rather than dismissing it. You can say such compassionate things, as: "I never thought of it that way" or "I hear what you're saying but I don't quite understand. Would you be able to explain more?" or even, "I see what you're saying, but I still disagree." That's what nice people do.

You don't need to call people over sensitive. You don't need to tell them they're too angry or loud or scary or stupid or ugly or wrong. You don't even always have to apologize, though a sincere one is welcome.

If I'm calling someone out, it has nothing to do with how nice a person you are. (Though how you handle it can say a lot about your character.) It doesn't matter if you're the Pope, when you say something bigoted, racist, homophobic, ableist, etc. you need to be told because it's not nice and most of the time, you're being called out because I thought more of you. I know you can do and be better and most of the time, you did it because you made a mistake.

We all have blind spots in our activism. We all have privileges we forget about or take for granted. I know if I goof up, I certainly want to be called out. Don't leave me in ignorance because you think I'm an otherwise nice person.

Also consider the amount of courage it may have taken for that person to tell you. Take a moment to honour that and stop defending how nice a person you think you are and how you are apparently exempt from causing harm.

As Maya Angelou said, "when you know better, you do better."