The Ultimate Goals of Positive Parenting

The word 'discipline' comes from the Latin 'disciplina" which means "knowledge" or "instruction." In modern English, a lot of people have added the connotation that discipline involves punishment.

If we look at a related word, "disciple," we see it means "student" or "learner." There's a sense of volition involved as well. This is someone who is eager and willing to learn or follow.

I think we can all agree that children want to learn. They are eager to please and soak up information like sponges. They ask tons of questions and are just trying to understand the world around them. They make the best disciples and we can be the best instructors, if only you nurture that natural curiosity and teach them respectfully.

To accomplish this, we engage in what I call "gentle parenting." Some people call it "positive parenting." I think those terms simply mean that we respect the child as a person, with rights to bodily autonomy and opinions. I don't want my son to obey me or anyone else blindly. I don't want him to fear me. I want him to feel he can come to me when he is overwhelmed, and together we will come up with a solution. I want him to know he has a right to his thoughts and feelings and a right to have them respected.

We can do all that, and do it without punishments. We do not hit, spank, call him names or shame him. We don't put him in "time-outs." We don't take his toys away.

Instead, we do a lot of talking. A lot of negotiating. A lot of getting to the root of understanding what the real issue is. See, kids don't always have the tools or vocabulary to express what they are feeling. Often they do things that may seem unrelated or even opposite to what they are really aiming for. They simply don't have the necessary skills to act in more congruent ways.

It's counter-intuitive to me to punish someone for a lack of maturity or skill. I don't think it accomplishes anything other than shame and distance between you.

Instead, as a parent it's up to me, the adult, to be the model and mature one. If I don't want a child who screams to get what they want, it's important that I lead by example and don't use screaming as my reaction to things I don't like.

If I want my child to be able to say 'no' to things like, for example, an extreme but valid case like molestation, I need to respect his 'no' even when it doesn't suit me and my wants. A child who is scared to say 'no' to their parents will be scared to say 'no' to other family members, friends, or strangers.

I want my son to think for himself and for that, I need to teach him how to make good decisions. This comes from talking about the various outcomes to a situation. For example, one day he said he would like to let our pet bunnies run free in our backyard. I didn't say no, but I did tell him that if we did that, we probably would never see them again. I explained that we don't have good fences, and the bunnies move fast and are not trained. I explained that while it may be possible they would run back towards the house, it was much more possible they would run away. I asked him if he was prepared to deal with that possibility and he decided against it. I believe I met him where he was in his stage of maturity and allowed him to feel empowered making his own choice. If he were only two or three years old, it would have been a different sort of conversation. It probably would have been more along the lines of, "we are not going to let the bunnies run free today because we don't want to lose them, just like we ask you to stay close to us when we go out. We don't want to lose you." That's simple, it explains the reasoning and adds in a lesson that he can relate to - child thinks, "I don't like being lost. Bunnies don't like being lost. Stay with mommy. Bunnies stay with me."

None of this means I never get angry or upset, or that my son is perfectly behaved at all times. Far from it. He still tests the boundaries and I still have to take a deep breath now and then. However, I make it my ultimate goal to remain calm and remember my job is to teach him. I wrote a list of things you can do if you think you are losing control.

I think the main thing to always keep in mind is that you are the adult one in this relationship and it's your duty to model the behaviours you want to see and teach the skills your child needs to develop.

This post is part of the Positive Parenting Day Blog hop, hosted by Thoughts of an Introverted Matriarch

Parenting and Discipline

So I talk big talk about what not to do when it comes to parenting. If you've been reading my blog long enough, you know we're into attachment parenting and gentle parenting.
That, for us, means no time outs, no spanking, no hitting, no yelling, no shaming, no calling names, no empty threats, no lots of things! So you might wonder, what do we do then?

Well, first off, we do discipline our child. We are not against discipline. I find when a lot of people see we don't parent like them, they think we don't discipline. We do.

Our son knows not to hit, spit, kick or punch people. He knows to hold my hand when walking down the street. He listens and obeys (for the most part). Like any four year old, he will have his off days and he will have his testing moments. He acts like a child (which makes sense!) and we respect his limits and don't put him in situations where he would be inclined to act out. We practice going out in public and learning how to behave in different situations during short trips.
So just that explanation gives you an idea of what we do do: we respect limits and keep our expectations within those limits.

We also repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, in the same even tone until he gets it.

I think people forget that repetition and practice are the best ways to learn anything. You don't learn to play the guitar over night. Kids don't learn how to tie their shoes in one afternoon. So when a child has to be told every single night that his dirty clothes go in the laundry hamper, and every night you tell him five times before he makes his way to it, you repeat it every night until one night he does it on his own.

You are creating habits that will last a lifetime. You are not running a race. You are not in a competition to see who learns it fastest. You are not running out of breath (unless you seriously have COPD or emphysema). Surely you have the time to spend teaching your child these simple tasks and habits and can spare a few minutes of your time to remind him/her to put their clothes away.

So reframe your thinking and remind yourself every moment of the day with your child is a teaching moment, not a bad behaviour moment. You have opportunities to teach or punish every day. We choose to teach. Every time.

We empathize with him.
Whatever stage he is at, we remember he is smaller and less powerful than us. Do you remember being 4 or 5? You may or may not. But I can guarantee, while you didn't have a care in the world for the most part or knew anything about banks, the government or mortgages, you did know you were smaller than others and that big people had authority. You did not have fully developed fine and gross motor skills, so things like eating with utensils or brushing your teeth took a lot of concentrated focus and effort. You did not have control of your schedule. There were many things you were not capable of doing and you knew it. You were sometimes envious of others with skills you did not have. You also did not have the capability to think ahead or plan. You became frustrated when you could not make yourself understood. Sometimes things were so overwhelming, you're not even sure what you were feeling, let alone able to verbalize it. Yes, being a kid is fun and carefree, but it's also limiting and confusing. Children don't know how to navigate this giant world of ours. This is even more of a struggle when they have a disability. When you empathize with them and realize they are doing the best they can with the limited skills they have, you realize they need a whole lot more love and understanding than actual punishments.

I have no doubt you do get results from other forms of parenting. Spanking does stop the negative behaviour quickly, but it doesn't help the child cope with whatever they're struggling with. It doesn't teach them negotiation skills. It doesn't teach them problem solving or critical thinking. It teaches them to fear being hit by a person they love.

Similarly, yelling and telling a child they're an "idiot" will probably get them silent and sullen very effectively. It will also teach them they are bad people. It will also teach them you, the person they love and trust the most in the world, think they're an idiot.

It's up to you what you want your child to learn in the long term and I believe gentle parenting techniques will best benefit my son. It takes effort now, but I hope to reap the rewards in the future. And he will, too. He will learn how to compromise and negotiate. He will have a healthy self-esteem. He will learn to think for himself. He will learn people can be trusted not to hurt him, and that loving relationships are those where people treat each other with respect. He will have a healthy sense of morals which are internally reinforced, knowing he should not harm a person - not because there's an external threat to him of being punished by someone else, but quite simply because it is the wrong thing to do.

I can also be sure that looking back on how I chose to parent my child, I know I will not regret not doling out more punishments instead of hugs.

And hey, we all mess up now and then. I would be lying if I said I've never yelled. It's what you do with your mistakes that make a difference. You can try to pretend it never happened and see what kind of interesting things your child internalizes from it, or you can own up to your mistakes, be a role model and apologize for losing your cool. You're the adult. You can make adult choices. 

Adventures in Daycare

One week before we moved, I started the Little Man at a new daycare around the block from my work. I didn't want too many changes at once.

His second day there, he got bitten repeatedly by some Devil Child.

The second week, he choked on a banana because they weren't watching him carefully enough - when I specifically asked them to and paid more for this special service, apparently.

The third week, he ran up to me when I arrived and told me he had an "owie." No one could tell me how he got this owie.

I'm a three-strikes-yer-out kind of person, especially with my kid.

What's even worse is it seems it was a complete free-for-all there, with absolutely no discipline. He has tasted freedom and wants more.

This week alone, I got kicked in the eye, which scratched my cornea and meant I had to miss a day of work to see a doctor. That same evening, he threw a rock at my head. He has pinched me and hit me. I'm sure he learned all these amazing skills at this new crazy daycare. It's frightening how quickly my child has changed.

I'm hoping with time, patience and consistency - we have a new home daycare keeping a good eye on him - he will return to his good old non-violent self.

How quickly things unravel and how much work it is to get things back on track!