Where Am I Looking?

It's been established that Autistic people are not the best at eye contact, in general.

Of course, there are exceptions. It's not that we don't do it, it's often that we don't do it enough, or too much, or time it incorrectly.

I have an easier time looking at just one person talking to me. I prefer looking at brown over blue eyes. I prefer looking at female faces over male.

I learned, at a very young age, from reading about how investigators interrogate people, that you can look at the point just between two eyes and people believe you are looking into their eyes. It's a trick I use when I know I have to socially conform.

I'll admit, however, that if there is a group of two or more people talking, I really have no choice but to stare at the person talking, or not look at either. In meetings, I tend to want to close my eyes and concentrate on what is being said. I, of course don't, because I have yet to feel comfortable enough to close my eyes in a business meeting.

So if my eyes are open and I'm not looking at your eyes, or that point between them, where am I looking?

I look at mouths. A lot. So much so, that I'm a pretty good lip reader. I can tell you all about your teeth. Your lips. Your nose. Your ears. Your neck. And then I am forced to move my gaze up again because you noticed my eyes wandering and you think there's something on your face maybe?

Not everyone notices, but if you're the type that does, I have to think about what my eyes are doing, so I don't really listen to you. Sorry, but it's the truth. I hear you, but I can't listen properly.

If you have a shiny necklace, my apologies, but I am wondering about the material and make. I will try to guess the brand, the gems and the karats. I will identify the cut and style.

Like I said, if you are female, you are in better luck, as I am most likely looking somewhere around your face. If you are male, it's easier to avoid your gaze because most men don't seem to care as much about where my eyes are going. I tend to look at shoulders, arms and hands on men.

Unfortunately, according to body language specialists, looking at a man's mouth/lips makes him think you want to kiss him. Add to the fact that I'm most likely looking at his arms - he may get the impression I am checking him out or into him. Even worse, I have a thing for pinstripe (on men, women, mannequins, it doesn't matter) so if he's sitting, I am looking at his pants and he believes I am looking at something else....

All this to say, I'm good at isolated parts of people and not always looking at the whole person. If you are in a different context next time I meet you (in the caf instead of a meeting room), I won't immediately recognize you. If you are wearing sunglasses, I probably won't recognize you. Dyed your hair? I either won't notice right away or won't recognize you. But I would sooner recognize your voice, or a mention of where we met ("the numbers from Monday's meeting were thrilling, weren't they?") and I will jump back to the situation mentally and match the puzzle pieces.

There are, however, times this all comes in handy. I can find you in the dark. LOL. I don't judge people by appearances. I understand body language better than spoken words. It's really good when playing poker, since I can rely on other body cues. (And I can count cards...you've been warned)
Also handy when car shopping since we spend most of the time looking at the car and I keep a deadpan face - confusing them as to whether I'm interested - so they keep adding perks or dropping the price.

Curious to know where other Autistic people look - strangely enough, I like looking at other Autistics. It doesn't seem as harsh for some reason.

My Life With Asperger's: Daniel Wendler at TEDxUniversityofArizona

I really like this guy! (I don't know him, I just like him from his video and site) I just like how grateful he is for his friendships and it looks like he has a successful system he created. I am going to try some of his tips out.
His site is http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/ 
Maybe I'll report back after I get some of the basics down.

Autism and Faceblindness

A fuzzy blurred out face to depict faceblindness

A lot of Autistic people are already socially awkward in general (like me!) but another aspect that some of us suffer from is faceblindness. This doesn’t mean we don’t see faces at all, it just often means we sometimes don’t recognize people we’ve met before. One thing I know I do, and studies have confirmed, is we often look at parts of faces rather than whole faces. A lot of the time I look at mouths and noses instead of eyes. It’s less stressful to look at eyes and looking at a mouth actually helps me understand what is being said. I’m not that bad at reading lips because of this.

I'm not sure if I suffer from faceblindness per se, but there are times I don’t initially recognize people. I can see someone and then doubt that I know them. Or if they look like someone else, I won’t be sure they are the right person. Staring in order to try to decipher this is not usually socially acceptable, so either I shy away and don’t say “hi,” or I say “hi” to people I don’t know. If I have made the wrong choice, then I can look like I’m ignoring someone I do know, or just really friendly and weird (because here in the big city, we don’t usually say hello to people we don’t know). Luckily, most people I have met before are quicker than me at recognition and will say hi first, but then it can take me a minute to place who they are.

At the same time, I can sometimes know I’ve met someone before and cannot for the life of me remember their name or where I met them. Then I sit there trying to figure out where I’ve met them. Other times I can totally remember names, but not the face. My facial recognition skills are totally unreliable and inconsistent. I may recognize people within the same context, like my office for example. If I see them outside of work, I may not.

I have inadvertently insulted many people by not immediately recognizing them or remembering where/when I met them. It’s a shame because we can get along and have a great conversation, but then I can accidentally ruin it when we meet again. I have spent evenings talking to people and when I get home, I see a friend request on Facebook and can’t for the life of me figure out who they are. It’s embarrassing. Maybe I should warn people up front that I have this problem so they hopefully won’t think I’m slighting them. I read Brad Pitt tried that, but no one believed him and they felt insulted anyway. Then again, I'm not Brad Pitt, so I may give it a try.


As with many things, it's best to give others the benefit of the doubt. It's not about you or an insult if someone doesn't recognize you, even if you've spoken many times.

Here’s the Wikipedia entry on faceblindness and here’s a little test you can do to see if you suffer from it.

What If I Can't?

I love my job and my workplace, and things generally go well, but I was told today that I will not be able to progress if I can't be trusted to be alone in a meeting. In other words, I come across as too brazen and arrogant.

My boss was amazingly caring and gentle relaying this info to me and I really appreciate it. It's also not any surprise to me. It's not something I mean to do, and often I realize I've said too much or the wrong thing not long after I've said it. But by then it's too late. I've broken the communication and relationship with that person. That doesn't go over well in a business setting. Or anywhere really.

Up to now, I've relied heavily on my trusted companions - my husband and understanding people in my office who hold my hand and help me navigate in the dark. But how long can I do that for?

If it's the only thing holding me back from more responsibility (which I would be happy with since it keeps me from being bored and may also mean a bigger paycheck), then it's something I should learn to do on my own.

I cannot just keep justifying, "I am this way because I'm Autistic, take me as I am! Too bad for your feelings!" I do at some point need to grow and at least try to change. And it's not an integral part of my autism. Being Autistic is not a license to be an asshole.

I should at least try and if I fail, if I make mistakes now and then, so be it, I am human. But not trying would make me a real asshole.

There is still that fear in the back of my head - what if I can't? What if I never gain this skill? Then what?

I don't even know where to start. But I have to at least try.