How To Deal With Repetitive Questions

When I was a kid, I used to ask, "what time is it?" all day long. I knew what time lunch was at. I knew what time certain shows were on. I knew what time my sister came home from school. I knew what time mom came home from work. Therefore knowing the time helped me organize my daily schedule and know what to expect. My father did not understand this. He could not understand why a four year old, who couldn't read the time off a clock face, would need to know what time it was. My repetitive "what time is it?" questions made him frustrated and they interrupted his writing and thought process. He couldn't take it anymore so he bought me a digital watch. I laugh now, looking back, but really, they could have just made a visual schedule and hung it up in the house. The goal, however, was not to help me satisfy my need for consistency or reassurance, it was to shut me up. Plain and simple.

While my mom was making supper, I would often ask her repeatedly what she was making. I often forgot that I just asked two minutes before. It wasn't until she reminded me that I had already asked her at least five times that I was able to realize what was happening. Over time and through her annoyance with me, I was able to figure out that asking repetitive questions was annoying. I was asking for reassurance that she could not or would not provide me.

People often say there is, "no such thing as a stupid question." Oh yes there is, if no one has the patience to explain things to you!

As a child, I wasn't always asking the question I needed the answer to. Sometimes it's hard to put into words what we really need. Asking repetitive questions, as a child, was about looking for certainty, predictability, and reassurance that things were under control. I needed to know the same things were happening, at around the same times, every day. Without that info, I felt anxious. 

So fast forward to the present, with my own son occasionally asking repetitive questions. It doesn't happen often, because I'm in the habit of narrating his days. When saying goodnight, I tell him what's happening tomorrow. In the morning when he wakes up, I tell him our plans for the day. It commonly goes like this: "hey, it's time to get up and start our day! It's a nice day. It's Tuesday. We're going to have some breakfast and then we'll get dressed. Today you're going to take the bus to school. Then the bus will bring you home and Dada will be here. Dada will make you supper and then I will come home. Then you'll have your bath and get ready for bed!"

I do that every day.

At school, I know they have visual schedules to help them out with their days. I've run into problems at daycare recently where the worker did not think to just answer his questions when he asked them, which led to anxiety on his part. 

The point is, a child is not asking a question over and over to be annoying. They're looking for bits of information to make their world make sense. If I start getting repetitive questions, I know I need to offer more info. I know that somewhere along the line, I have failed to provide either the structure, information or reassurance my child needs. Yes, that's right, it is my responsibility to help my child regulate until he is able to do so independently.

I, as an adult, still sometimes ask repetitive questions. I honestly don't remember asking over and over until someone tells me. But when I do, I know it's because there is something underlying that question and I need more info so as to control my anxiety. 

A Typical Day Makes Us Different

I've never raised an NT child, so I can't tell you the differences, but I do know we have some differences, so I thought I would give people an overview of my typical day so you can walk in our shoes a little bit.
Maybe we can compare notes.

Hubby gets up and heads out for work a full hour before we have to be up, so we don't usually talk or even see each other.

I try to get up a bit before the Little Man, but usually am too lazy. Some days, he comes into my bed and we snuggle a bit before getting up for real. Other days, I go to his room and s l o w l y wake him up. If I try to do anything too quickly, it will result in tears and screaming. I plan this time into our morning routine. Being rushed is never a good idea. (Note: we are both really NOT morning people)

Together we go downstairs and I get him his breakfast. He usually gets out his iPad or some trains. iPad days are good days, because it means he is calm and will leave it easily. Train days mean he wants to stay home and I will have a hard time getting him out the door.
Regardless, I give several warnings and repeat the same things every morning, "drink your milk, mama is going to take a shower, then we'll get dressed for school."
On a good day, there is no verbal response to this. On a bad day, he starts making grumpy noises. On a really good day, he tells me he is excited to go to school.

I get out of the shower and start getting him dressed. This also comes with many warnings, "ok, time to get dressed!" in a cheery voice, because he doesn't like changing clothes. Sometimes he fights this process (there's some anxiety I have to calm), but most days this goes smoothly. On the flip side, he can start getting really stimulated and start jumping up and down and flapping, and that makes it really challenging to dress him.
In the winter it's worse, because we have to do snowpants, jacket, boots, scarf, hat, mitts and this adds time to the preparation. Many times the bus has showed up and I'm still on the snowpants stage with him. Luckily, our bus only serves our special needs school and the bus driver totally understands the need to not rush this. I call her on the phone and she waits for us if we're running behind.

Once the bus has taken him, I go in and make myself breakfast and lunch and head straight to work.

At work, I worry that I'll get a call from the school (doesn't every parent? Will he have an accident? Is everything ok?) so I keep my cell with me at all times.

I then use my breaks to make calls - and there are almost always calls to make! Set up appointments, call government services to check on paperwork or applications, talk to social workers, get info for more services...I feel like this part of my parenting job never ends. If it's not calls, it's submitting insurance claims. I think this is something other parents rarely have to think about.

Hubby gets back from work in time for the school bus to drop the Little Man off at home. They make and eat dinner before I get home. By the time I get home in the evening, they are getting ready for bath time. I read and respond to his school communication book, have dinner by myself usually (unless Hubby hasn't eaten yet) and make his lunch for the next day. I run the dishwasher or do laundry while they're in the bath. I check the calendar and see what appointments, phone calls or paperwork is coming up in the next few days.

I then have a bit of time to play with the Little Man before bed. We do the bed time count down - he needs to put away his toys before bed, and this is where we can get a lot of resistance. Actually, there's also resistance to get into the bath, so again, everything comes with warnings and countdowns in order to prevent tears and screaming. On days he is really resistant, we have to take the time to ask and figure out what is causing the resistance (there is always a reason). We have a great technique we learned where you have the child come up with the solution. It's really great because it gives them not only a sense of control, but tools to problem solve independently.

Again, this all takes planning and time, so it's not for the rushed. Basically, we make sure to always allow time to transition tasks and explain the need for each task or transition. The only time I would rush him anywhere is if the house were burning down and I had to get him out. In that case, I would just grab him and run.

We don't rush and we explain every step of the daily schedule, and I believe that is why we have a child who very rarely meltdowns. Sure, he can have a tantrum, but not usually a total meltdown.

Hubby usually does most of the bedtime routine - they read books and I tell him the plan for the next day, example, "tomorrow is Thursday and you have school. I will be here with you, but Dada will be at work. Dada will see you when you get home from school."

After he's in bed, Hubby and I try to get a few spare moments to actually talk to each other, lol! At the moment our big concern is what will do with him over the summer break. His school ends earlier than all the others and camps don't start until the regular schools are finished. Then there's the issue of finding English services that will take a special needs child. This is probably my biggest stress right now. While parents of NTs can pretty much pick any camp or babysitter available, we have to look for more specific services where we know (or hope) he'll have more supervision - and that all comes at a cost also.

And then we go to bed and start all over again!

School: Give Me A Clue

I really don't want to complain, but this is not good and I can't be the only one having issues. I am really happy the Little Man got into the school he did this year. It's a school specifically for Autistics, with a group of specialists who will "get him," I hope. He will get his speech and OT all under one roof and get to play with new friends.

This is great, for sure.

But it's hell for me.

School starts right after Labour Day, but I still don't know what time the bus is going to pick him up or drop him off. I work full time. My husband works full time. We sort of need to plan our schedules because someone needs to see him off and someone needs to be there when he gets home! I would really appreciate a bit more notice. This is the first time I'm sending a kid to school. It's not like a have a clue. I need to know the bus will pick him up, giving me enough time to get myself to work. Even Hubby will have to change his work hours to be home on time for him. I can't imagine what single parents go through!

This also isn't the first time I'm complaining about planning issues with the school and we haven't even had a first day yet!

Today, (yes, just today!) the school emails to tell me there is a possibility of before and after school care, but again, no details. What are the hours? What is the cost? How am I supposed to plan?

We have a parent-teacher meeting tomorrow (thank goodness for that if it actually provides information!) and the hour of that was also changed just this week.

Shouldn't they have enough experience working with Autistics to know that we need/crave schedules/routine? Did they forget that most parents work and can't just change things at the drop of a hat?

It's just an extra level of stress.

To add to it, Hubby is pretty sick today. He was up most of the night throwing up and we don't know why. Maybe it's the stress of the unknown. It doesn't help!