What Do You Do When Your Child Has a Meltdown?

The Little Man had a meltdown this weekend. He hadn't had one since October, so when they happen, I am still caught a little off-guard. Even with my own experience with meltdowns, I am still a novice at dealing with other people melting down.

We work hard at preventing meltdowns in the first place, but I think the transition from school ending to going back to daycare for the summer has been too much for him. He's struggling with finding predictability in his day and his daycare worker is not the best with this either, unfortunately. She told me, "he's been asking, 'what's happening now? I don't know what's happening!'" but she didn't know what to say to him. I had to tell her she simply needs to tell him what's going on - "now it's snack time. Then we'll play before lunch. Then we wash our hands, then we have lunch...." It's so easy and obvious to me, I had forgotten that not everyone parents like I do. You don't have to a special needs parent to know to just answer a question when a child asks it! (That's my little rant of the day)

Anyway, I thought everything was fine, but it wasn't. I proposed going out for a short ride around the block on his tricycle. The work involved in getting a bike to move forward is a lot for the little guy. A mixture of dyspraxia and autism conspires against him. He has made great improvements, but still has a hard time. He started to get frustrated at it and I should have put a stop to it then, but I thought he would be ok. So we got to the corner of the street where I thought we should turn around and head back when he flipped out. He wanted to bike to his great-aunt's house (who loves a good 25km away!) since we had visited her recently. He then would not budge from the bike. I suggested walking back home and he didn't want to do that either. After trying to calm him down, he was just screaming outside on the corner of the street, so I took him off the bike and walked him back home, him screaming the whole way. We got home and he didn't want to go inside. I thought he would when we got to the door, but instead he bolted. He only bolts when angry, so obviously, he was pretty angry now. The problem is we live on a busy street and I am always scared he will just run into traffic. If I move towards him to try to coax him inside, he moves further away. So by now we are quite a distance apart, with him on the lawn close to the street and this terrifies me. So it becomes a game of cat and mouse, with me trying to catch him as he runs around screaming. People walk by, even a cop car drives by, but no one pays attention. (Looking back now, maybe I should have flagged down the cop car? The excitement of seeing a cop might have snapped him out of it for a moment).

I eventually catch him and I bring him up to the porch (which is enclosed) but I leave the door open and the house door closed (so that he doesn't feel like I am forcing him in) and I just hold him like a baby while he cries and lets it all out. I coo, and shush and pat his back like he's a baby in my arms and I bounce until he is soothed. That's my technique right now, but I won't be able to do that as he gets bigger. I'm hoping meltdowns won't be so bad as he gets older, but I'm probably crazy to think that. I tell him it's ok that he's frustrated and angry. When he's done crying, I let him play outside a bit to calm down. He runs his fingers through the sand in the driveway and starts to relax.

(For all those wondering where Dad was all this time, he went out to get food. I kind of hoped he would get back before we had to go inside, but that didn't happen. I'm just unlucky since I was also alone for the last meltdown!)

Eventually we go back inside and I get out his iPad so he can just chill out, but I see he is still teary, so I sit down with him to talk about what happened. I said, "do you want to talk about your feelings? You feel angry and frustrated, right?" He nods yes. "What other feelings do you have?"
"Silly!" he says.
"Silly? Who told you that? Did someone say you were being silly?" (Now I'm thinking someone put that idea in his head at school when he gets angry)
"Me silly!" and he points to himself.
"You think you're being silly? No. Not at all, love! You're not being silly. You're allowed to be angry. But what makes mama scared is when you run and I'm scared you'll go into the street. Then you could get a big owie and mama doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. Remember mama told you, you are my most precious treasure, so I don't want you to get hurt. But you're not silly, ok?"
He nods.

It's one thing to have a meltdown, but I don't want him to think he's a bad person for it!

So that's my long story. What do you to do to deal with your child's meltdowns? Any special techniques you use to de-escalate? Do you think the cops could have helped? 

A Typical Day Makes Us Different

I've never raised an NT child, so I can't tell you the differences, but I do know we have some differences, so I thought I would give people an overview of my typical day so you can walk in our shoes a little bit.
Maybe we can compare notes.

Hubby gets up and heads out for work a full hour before we have to be up, so we don't usually talk or even see each other.

I try to get up a bit before the Little Man, but usually am too lazy. Some days, he comes into my bed and we snuggle a bit before getting up for real. Other days, I go to his room and s l o w l y wake him up. If I try to do anything too quickly, it will result in tears and screaming. I plan this time into our morning routine. Being rushed is never a good idea. (Note: we are both really NOT morning people)

Together we go downstairs and I get him his breakfast. He usually gets out his iPad or some trains. iPad days are good days, because it means he is calm and will leave it easily. Train days mean he wants to stay home and I will have a hard time getting him out the door.
Regardless, I give several warnings and repeat the same things every morning, "drink your milk, mama is going to take a shower, then we'll get dressed for school."
On a good day, there is no verbal response to this. On a bad day, he starts making grumpy noises. On a really good day, he tells me he is excited to go to school.

I get out of the shower and start getting him dressed. This also comes with many warnings, "ok, time to get dressed!" in a cheery voice, because he doesn't like changing clothes. Sometimes he fights this process (there's some anxiety I have to calm), but most days this goes smoothly. On the flip side, he can start getting really stimulated and start jumping up and down and flapping, and that makes it really challenging to dress him.
In the winter it's worse, because we have to do snowpants, jacket, boots, scarf, hat, mitts and this adds time to the preparation. Many times the bus has showed up and I'm still on the snowpants stage with him. Luckily, our bus only serves our special needs school and the bus driver totally understands the need to not rush this. I call her on the phone and she waits for us if we're running behind.

Once the bus has taken him, I go in and make myself breakfast and lunch and head straight to work.

At work, I worry that I'll get a call from the school (doesn't every parent? Will he have an accident? Is everything ok?) so I keep my cell with me at all times.

I then use my breaks to make calls - and there are almost always calls to make! Set up appointments, call government services to check on paperwork or applications, talk to social workers, get info for more services...I feel like this part of my parenting job never ends. If it's not calls, it's submitting insurance claims. I think this is something other parents rarely have to think about.

Hubby gets back from work in time for the school bus to drop the Little Man off at home. They make and eat dinner before I get home. By the time I get home in the evening, they are getting ready for bath time. I read and respond to his school communication book, have dinner by myself usually (unless Hubby hasn't eaten yet) and make his lunch for the next day. I run the dishwasher or do laundry while they're in the bath. I check the calendar and see what appointments, phone calls or paperwork is coming up in the next few days.

I then have a bit of time to play with the Little Man before bed. We do the bed time count down - he needs to put away his toys before bed, and this is where we can get a lot of resistance. Actually, there's also resistance to get into the bath, so again, everything comes with warnings and countdowns in order to prevent tears and screaming. On days he is really resistant, we have to take the time to ask and figure out what is causing the resistance (there is always a reason). We have a great technique we learned where you have the child come up with the solution. It's really great because it gives them not only a sense of control, but tools to problem solve independently.

Again, this all takes planning and time, so it's not for the rushed. Basically, we make sure to always allow time to transition tasks and explain the need for each task or transition. The only time I would rush him anywhere is if the house were burning down and I had to get him out. In that case, I would just grab him and run.

We don't rush and we explain every step of the daily schedule, and I believe that is why we have a child who very rarely meltdowns. Sure, he can have a tantrum, but not usually a total meltdown.

Hubby usually does most of the bedtime routine - they read books and I tell him the plan for the next day, example, "tomorrow is Thursday and you have school. I will be here with you, but Dada will be at work. Dada will see you when you get home from school."

After he's in bed, Hubby and I try to get a few spare moments to actually talk to each other, lol! At the moment our big concern is what will do with him over the summer break. His school ends earlier than all the others and camps don't start until the regular schools are finished. Then there's the issue of finding English services that will take a special needs child. This is probably my biggest stress right now. While parents of NTs can pretty much pick any camp or babysitter available, we have to look for more specific services where we know (or hope) he'll have more supervision - and that all comes at a cost also.

And then we go to bed and start all over again!

How To Prevent Meltdowns

I started out wanting to describe the experience and then realized it's probably best to know how to prevent meltdowns in the first place because they are really horrible. If you think it's horrible as an observer, I can tell you it's 100% worse as an experiencer (I know I totally just made up a word).

A lot of a meltdown is a loss of control of the situation. Autistic people give many signs BEFORE we get anywhere near meltdown stage, but they are often ignored. Children are more powerless and not so good at communicating their needs, so they have them more often. Pushing/forcing/encouraging your Autistic child to do things they are not ready to do can lead to a whole lot of anxiety and eventually a meltdown. I really want parents to try and understand even when they think they are not pushing too much, a lot of the time they are. I know parents don't mean to, because it seems normal and easy for you and all the other kids you know, but it's not the same with an Autistic kid. When I think back to my childhood, it was an overwhelming mess of anxiety. What makes anxiety different from other issues is that it requires an extra set of skills to overcome it, and kids usually don't have those skills.

When an Autistic child seems to be resistant to do something, like take a walk around the block holding your hand for example, it is not because they hate you, are in their own world, don't enjoy walking or just want to be difficult. They are resistant because they don't know how they will feel outside in the big unknown. They don't know what they will encounter and have to process once out there. They don't know exactly when you will return. They don't know if the toys they have happily organized in a row sorted by color, to give their lives a sense of control and orderliness, will be in the same spots they left them in when they get back. They don't know if they will have their senses overloaded. They don't know if they will be expected to speak to people and say, "hello" or that the correct words will come out at the appropriate time. They don't know if their legs will be tired. They remember that time they fell on the sidewalk and fear it will happen again. They remember being scared by the sound of a fire engine rushing by and are scared that may happen again. They remember the time you took them for ice cream and they got a stomach ache after, and they're scared that will happen again. They fear you won't take them for ice cream. All of that. In the flash of the 30 seconds it took for you to say, "let's go for a walk!" - that went through their mind. I can almost guarantee it.

Not all Autistic kids are that high anxiety, but a lot of us are (or were). I was and it only gets worse the more you try to force us otherwise and ignore the state of anxiety we are in. What happens to high anxiety children? They grow up into high anxiety adults who don't have much respect for parents who disregarded their feelings when most vulnerable.

So the parent or friend or whatever other person has to work on helping the Autistic through the not knowing part. This takes patience, sensitivity and creativity.

I use speech and my presence to calm my child. That's just how I am best able to work with him. Even when he doesn't respond to me with speech, I keep talking. You can use pictures or social stories or whatever way you think works. Do not stop trying to communicate with your child even if they do not respond in the way you expect or are comfortable with. Even if they don't look at you or even appear to hear you, they are, trust me.

So going back to the walk example, I'm going to say it's a leisurely walk with no particular aim other than some fresh air. If you are heading somewhere in a rush, you should prepare with more warnings preparation than this.

Let's say both mom and dad want to take a relaxing walk around the block. You can go to your child and say, "mom and dad would both like to take a walk. We would both like you to come. We want to all go out as a family. We will just walk around the block once and come back. We want you to hold our hands and stay on the sidewalk. You can leave your toys exactly where they are right now and they will be there when we get back. If you need to pee, you should do it now. We will go in 5 minutes. You will need to wear shoes (or a sweater, hat etc). When we get back it will be time for snack/lunch/bath."

Now I don't mean just ramble all that stuff off without taking a breath, but that's the sort of detail we want to know. If yours is the type to ask questions, then answer those questions, patiently, without rolling your eyes and sighing like a teenager because you've answered those questions 200 times before. We need those questions answered each and every time. We need you to be the adult and patiently do that for us until we are able to do it for ourselves. We are relying on you to calm our fears because the world is too much for us to take by ourselves. If you can kiss a boo-boo when we fall, you can answer those questions for us. Autistic kids are doing the equivalent of running into your arms every day, numerous times a day, looking for your love and support. Don't let us down because it presents itself as a series of questions or stims.

A child who cannot ask questions is still asking those questions in their head and needing answers, so answer the questions before trying to go out. I've done this sort of stuff with my kid since he was a baby. If he started crying in the car, I knew I had to start calming him by answering some questions. You can do this with any kid, Autistic or not, and I guarantee your day will go a whole lot more smoothly. I taught daycare workers to do the same thing and it worked for them.

Yes, I am seriously proposing you tell your 3 year old where, when and how you are going and when you are coming back. It's not spoiling them, it's giving them information. You are still the boss, don't worry about that, you will always be. You are still the parent. That won't change. But you are changing the relationship you can have with a child who happens to worry a lot more than others. There may still be protests, but over time it will get easier - especially if you don't change the plan and you continue to respect the high need for reassurance. If they can trust you to give them correct and up to date information, as well as protect them, they will be better able to trust others and themselves when they are older.

You might want to read What Does A Meltdown or Shutdown Feel Like?

What Does A Meltdown or Shutdown Feel Like?

Meltdowns are not fun for anyone, so while it's great to get an idea for what it feels like from the inside, it's best if we can prevent them completely. You may also like to read, How To Prevent A Meltdown.

A meltdown, to me, is an incredibly complex experience that I am going to do my best to break down and describe. The following is what a meltdown feels like for me. There are other accounts (and here's another example). It's not like there's a right way to have one! So if you're looking to understand the phenomenon, you should try to find more first-hand accounts.

Meltdowns happened to me mostly in my teens and early 20s. I would say by 25, I stopped. That's not to say it won't ever happen again, but I hope not. By then, I presume I'd gone through enough therapy and maturing that I have better awareness and control over what is happening to me. As I've gotten older, I have gotten better at not getting myself to that state (or just protecting myself and getting myself out of situations to prevent things from escalating). That's a really important point.

Children do not usually have the power to escape from situations that are triggering, so as a parent, you have to facilitate that for them.

What happens to me now periodically are shutdowns, which are just as frustrating, but quieter and can even go unnoticed to the untrained eye. I still have the occasional passionate outburst, and I can cover that briefly also. My outbursts are mostly harmless and I don't put it in the same category.

Both meltdowns and shutdowns leave me feeling drained and like utter crap. There's really no sugar coating it.

Meltdowns are scary because to get to that point, I have totally lost control. The ones I remember most were caused when people other than my parents were dismissive of me. I learned to tolerate the abuse of my parents, probably just to be able to survive, but I could not tolerate it from anyone else. In my case, when others did it, it really was abusive. I would say, "no, stop that" repeatedly and they didn't listen. They were purposely poking at an open wound. That caused me to totally lose it. These were the only times in my life where I lashed out physically. When it happened, I literally saw red. I cannot see. All I can see is red light and nothing else. It's as if blood has dripped into my eyes and is blinding me. When people say they were so angry, they blacked out and did not even know what they were doing, I think that is what I experienced. Once I raised a chair at my teacher to throw it at him. I was so angry, I could not see. The only thing I remember was the voice of my best friend yelling, almost screaming, "KELLY! KELLY!" until I snapped out of it.

I actually have no regret for scaring that teacher and for whatever reason, I never got in trouble for it. Maybe because it was so out of character for me, who was normally very quiet and on the Honor Roll. Meltdowns are shocking to the person experiencing them because there is really nothing you can do about it. It's out of character and I was capable of hurting people I did not necessarily want to. It can be over as quickly as it started, which makes it strange for on-lookers also. Afterwards, I am left feeling like I've run a marathon - heart beating in my ears, drained, feeling sick and confused.

This looks a bit like a meltdown to me. From http://josiemaysoptionsblog.blogspot.ca/2012/12/antony-gormley.html
Check out this artist's other works. They are very good. 

Shutdowns, on the other hand, are not as outwardly expressive for me. They rarely involve anyone else. In fact, I usually retreat until it's over. A shutdown occurs after a long period of stress. For example, in the months following the death of my father. It's a cumulative thing that I call, "running out of cope." It starts like a panic attack and spirals into the absolute worst anxiety attack you can ever imagine. When it hits me, I actually don't even know what I'm feeling. I often feel like I should cry to let it out, but I can't. I want to scream, but I can't. I feel trapped inside my skin and get anxious, dizzy and nauseous. Sometimes I shake/shiver uncontrollably. Sometimes I gag and retch, but I don't usually actually vomit. Other times I have cried uncontrollably, but that's not as common. What I usually do now is take a Dramamine and an Ativan and just go to bed. Sometimes I will play a repetitive mindless game like Bejeweled Blitz to take my mind off of my thoughts. It is worse for me if I try to pretend it's not happening or to talk to anyone. I have tried going out for fresh air and walk and that doesn't help either. Right now the only solution I have is to drug myself and sleep it off. I usually wake up the next morning feeling totally drained and empty.

It should be noted that I only seem to fall apart like this when I know it's safe to fall apart. In other words, when I am sure my husband is able to care for the Little Man. I feel like my subconscious is saying, "ok, you've held it together long enough, now it's ok to let it out!"

Obviously, daily stress management is an important part of keeping these shut downs at bay, but the amount of cope I have at any given time is variable due to well, just life. This is why I put a lot of work into taking care of myself. It is essential I get enough sleep and eat well. It's even more important during times of high stress. This is difficult because when I'm stressed, I don't usually want to sleep or eat. It's tough because it's not about being on a fad diet or frou-frou lifestyle choice. I will simply not be able to be a functional member of my family or society if I don't take care of myself every day. I can't take a day off from self-care without paying for it later in some way.
(Not a complaint, just making people aware of being non-judgmental when you see someone avoiding a certain food or activity. It's not always for the reasons you think.)

If you have any questions about my experience, please feel free to ask. I am an open book. No matter which one it is, both feel really bad to the person going through it and if there's anything you can do to help them not happen, that's greatly appreciated.