The Wait Is Not Over

Since my last adoption update, our birth mother gave birth a little early. I got the call while I was at work on a Monday morning that she gave birth. Because it was so close to Christmas holidays, I chose to keep working. There wasn't much I could do while waiting for the baby to be released from the hospital and I felt like I should keep my mind distracted. Let me tell you, it's a truly bizarre feeling to know "your" child is born, but you are not there to hear his cries or comfort him.

The social worker told me to expect to receive the baby sometime in the afternoon the next day, so I went into work that morning. My co-workers were truly amazing and surprised me with a gift card and a deluxe baby bath. It was really heart-warming how they came together on such short notice to support me. I left work that afternoon with them wishing me well and hoping everything goes smoothly.

I went home for lunch and got a call from the social worker. "There's been a delay...and some changes...."
There are always curve balls in adoption, I think. You just have to roll with it. Originally, our social worker was going to deliver him to our house. That changed and they asked us to go to the hospital.

My sister had arrived by then (she lives in another province), and I knew there was potential to wait more at the hospital, so I decided it was best if Hubby and the Little Man wait at home, and I drove to the hospital with my sister.

We got there and waited. And waited. And waited. We browsed in the gift shop. And wandered. And sat. And waited. Finally the social worker told us to wait outside the elevators, they were coming down. So we waited in the hospital hall. Very anti-climatic. Very odd. To think this is THE MOMENT you get to see your child and we're standing in the middle of a hospital.

So with that, three social workers come out, mine carrying our baby and in the middle of the hall, they hand him to me. But just like when I gave birth, when you set your eyes on your baby, for a few minutes the world stops turning and no one else exists. You have no pain, no fears, no worries. You feel love and protection. It doesn't matter if you're lying in a hospital bed or standing in a hospital hall, you see your baby and it's wonderful.

And with that, we pile into the car - me, my sister, our social worker and the Tiny Man - and we drive home. We walk in the door and present the new baby to Hubby and the Little Man. The Little Man is so proud and declares we're, "a real family now." The social worker stays with us for the first hour to make sure we're settled in and with that, our new family is formed.

From there, we had to get past the 30-day wait period - the time that the biological family can request the baby back. This was not as nerve-racking as I thought it would be. I did not guard my heart just in case. As far as I was concerned, this was my child for however long I have him and I will love him because that's what he needs.

We have had him two months now and it feels like he was always supposed to be with us. The Little Man tells everyone he can about his baby brother. He is so happy.

But the waiting is not over.

We have to wait for our day in court for the Order of Placement, which transfers guardianship of the Tiny Man from child protective services to us. Then after that, we have to wait for the finalized adoption. Again, like every other aspect of adoption we've experienced so far, there's no clue how long we'll wait. So the wait is not over!

In the meantime, we just keep living and enjoying our little family.

~ To Be Continued ~

4 Myths About The Adoption Process

Since we announced our decision to adopt locally, we've heard all sorts of warnings, issues and problems people have heard from "someone who knows someone who adopted and...".

We've also heard how "amazing" or "blessed" we must be to even contemplate such a thing. So I want to straighten out a few things about our case and how the system (here at least) works.

Myth #1: It's Expensive!

We looked into international adoption previously and the cost depends on the country in question. Even then, it's not representative of the cost of the child. The costs are mostly legal, agency and travel fees, as well as a donation to the orphanage. Do not ask people how much their child cost them!

In our case, we're doing local adoption, and agency fees are paid for by the government. What we have paid for so far was our police background check ($125 each), and for doctors to fill out our medical forms ($170 total). Once the adoption is finalized, we can pay for an updated birth certificate - like we would for any other child. I hardly see that as expensive. I spent more money on tests and scans when I was pregnant, quite honestly.

I also want to stress we're not rich. While we are paying for a house, we're also paying off the debt from huge renos last year. While I believe we could survive off of one income, it wouldn't be fun and it wouldn't be mine! I wouldn't want to lose my job without something lined up either. So we are ok, but I wouldn't want to rock the boat too much either.

They look for the basics: you have food in the fridge, a functioning bathroom, a room for the new child, and a washing machine. Is the house/apartment safe and clean? Ok, you're good!

Myth #2: It's Invasive!

We had to have friends and our bosses comment on our character. Good friends are helpful and supportive, so I don't see this as a big deal. They know us best and I have no problem with them vouching for us.

We had to have our bank sign off on our financial situation. I guess some people could be put off by this, but I really have nothing to hide.

The home study was grueling, I'll admit, because we had to rehash everything about our childhoods, which in our cases, weren't the happiest times. I presume others might have a better time with this if they weren't abused. But still, I have nothing to hide. While my past did shape me into the person I am today, I am not ashamed of who I have become. My childhood experiences influence how I choose to parent (attachment/gentle parenting) and I think they should know that.

Yes, it's true, most people don't get questioned before they pop out a baby (often by accident). Most people don't get asked about health, financials and emotional or physical capabilities. But life isn't fair and adoption is not about being fair - it's about doing the best for the child given the situation they have been unfairly placed in.

So yes, it's certainly a more invasive process than had I chosen to use my uterus again, but it's not that bad given the situation, providing you are open, realistic, secure, and upfront about your life and situation. If you are in some sort of blissful denial about your life or financial stability, it will be exposed and it will create problems.

Myth #3: The Child Is Going To Have Problems

Sweetheart, if you want a perfect child, don't have one because it's NOT POSSIBLE! People are flawed. Children are people. Ergo, children are flawed. No one is perfect!

Life is full of problems. Should I stop living because there will be problems?

Also, in case you didn't notice already, I have a disability, and my child has a disability. If the next child is too normal, it won't fit into our family nicely. lol

So hey, maybe the child will have problems, but the child also needs love and a family, and I think that sorta trumps the potential problem issue. If and when there are problems we will deal with them as a family, because that's what families do, amirite?

Myth #4: They're Going To Take The Child Away!

Well, the first family has 30 days to change their mind after placement, so yes, they can take the child back. It's their RIGHT. It is the child's RIGHT. People have rights and those rights should be respected. I don't have any rights in this part of the process because the child is not an object and not my possession. I did not buy it at a store and then get robbed. I am granted guardianship for a short time before the first family relinquishes their rights - if they choose.

Will I be sad? For sure. But it's a chance I take. If I had used my body, I could also have a miscarriage, a stillbirth or a child who dies shortly after birth. These are all potential losses.

But I refuse to make choices governed by the fears of "what if?" My job as a parent is to do right by whatever child I am lucky enough to raise. My job is to give love. My job is to help them become the best person they can be. If I only get to do that for a few weeks, I will do that. If I only get to do that for a few hours, I will do that. I will do that until the minute I die.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Keep learning more by following the Twitter hashtag #NAAM.