Make Up and SPD

I have never really worn make up. When most teens go through some sort of experimental phase, I couldn't care for it. My sensory issues are such that I feel a great compulsion to have clean teeth and brush them often. I then MUST have lip balm, but only a few specific brands are tolerable. And that is it. Most of my life, I've shown my natural face without a touch of make up.

For special occasions I have tried really hard. The problem is I feel make up on my skin. Most of the time, it makes me feel itchy. I rub my eyes a lot. I lick my lips. You can imagine it's extremely hard to keep any sort of make up actually on my face without smudging it off.

Until now!

See, just knowing I have SPD has made it much easier to cope. I still have adult acne and wanted some help covering my blemishes. I decided to go to The Body Shop and have them teach me. I also needed someone to pick the right colours for me (it's absolutely impossible for me. I don't know how they do it). I decided to forget everything I ever saw my mom do with make up and start from scratch.

So I made an appointment and had a nice young lady show me everything from beginning to end. What I like about The Body Shop products (aside from not being tested on animals) is they don't upset my sensitive skin. The make up artist asked me what kind of coverage or look I was going for and we stuck with the most natural possible. In the end, I just got a simple BB cream and powder that matches my skin tone, and a mascara. I already had lip liners and gloss - which is the most I'll wear on my lips, otherwise I feel it and it bothers me. I bring it with me every day to work, but never actually reapply it. lol. I mean, com'on, a girl has to eat. What's the point of putting more lip gloss on if you're just going to eat and drink?
I'm very pragmatic, as you can tell.

The products I got just smooth out and even out my skin tone and they don't feel so heavy that I have to keep touching my face. The mascara just enhances my already naturally long eye lashes - and it is still a challenge to not touch my eyes, but I feel I am better for it. I really shouldn't be sticking my fingers in my eyes all day anyway. And that's it! I feel a bit more grown up. I actually think it's helping my skin because I am forced to wash it more often and touch it less.

It seems that just the right amount of make up can be tolerated by my sensory issues and may even help me in the long run.

Me being silly after coming home from the Body Shop, about to wash my new make up off

Tracers, Auras and Other Sensory Overload Experiences

Mashable put together a nice collection of autistic/sensory overload experiences on video. Each video tries to simulate what it's like to be autistic. It's really hard to capture sensory experiences on video - it's the sort of thing where it would be great if people could just spend time in each other's heads. But since we can't, these videos are close enough.

I especially like the taking a walk and Wal-Mart visit videos. My vision does not become as blurry though. For me, I see what I call "tracers" and "auras" (and not the fancy coloured New Agey auras). Also, these experiences are not as fun as they might sound!

Auras are easy enough to describe. It's a fuzzy glowing light, a halo, around people and things. Everything.

Tracers are like a bad seventies music video where lines of light follow any movement of a person or object. So, let's say I were to wave my hand in front of my face. There would be hundreds of hands just like it, like a paper fan spreading out, following its movement.

I also sometimes see flashes of light go past my eyes. I have had my eyes checked by an ophthalmologist and I have had brain scans. There is nothing physically wrong or different to explain why I have these experiences. It's just crazy sensory overload.

Seeing either or both of them usually mean I am tired and/or over stimulated and need to get away to a quiet place quickly. If stuck, I will become dizzy, get a headache and then nauseated. My body will start to ache. This happens often in shopping malls, especially crowded ones. I cannot think straight.

Because of this, I usually stick to small stores. I do a lot of my shopping online. I also completely refuse to buy Christmas presents for anyone but children now - you will not see me in a store at holiday time! Instead I "gift" donations to charities of people's choice - again something easily done with a credit card online and I'm also doing something good. North Americans have too much stuff anyway.

Looking at me, you wouldn't think or know anything is wrong. I continue walking around like nothing is happening, maybe rubbing my eyes more than usual. I may have to concentrate more on where I'm going so I don't run into things and this might make it harder to approach me. I typically don't want my thoughts disturbed, so those people in malls trying to get you to sample something are even more annoying to me.

Add to that the annoying mall "muzzak" and scents from perfume, soap or candle shops and I start getting agitated. Basically, if I have to go to a mall, I run in and run out, getting only what I really need, so I don't get to the overload point. Knowing my limits and having them respected is really important to being able to be productive. Otherwise I could be ruined for days.

I Don't Like Love - Sensory Issues Explained

TRIGGER WARNING: People touching others without express consent

Every once and a while I get reminded of a date I had with Hubby, very early in our relationship. We decided to meet at a restaurant and I went to find a seat to wait for him. I didn't know, but he was close behind me, so he came up from behind and touched my hair. My reflex was to snap my arm back, with my hand in a fist, and whack whoever touched me without permission. I ended up punching him square in the face and giving him a bloody nose.

Little did he know, I hated having my head or hair touched. Little did he know, I hate people touching me from behind. I hate people touching me without permission. I hate strangers touching me. I use the word, "hate" because it really is a strong aversion.

After the bleeding stopped, and I explained my issues, we still had a nice dinner. And evidently, he never tried to sneak up from behind me again. But it was nothing personal.
My quick reflexes would be very helpful if I were actually being attacked, but they are a bit of a mood killer otherwise, I must say. Still, I'll explain a little bit about why I react that way and maybe you can get an idea how it feels.

I should remind people that I have Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and not just autism, so that could explain my extra sensitivity. Also, my sensory issues have changed since childhood, meaning I'm not quite as sensitive as I once was.

For as long as I can remember, I hated having my hair or head touched. Getting my hair brushed and styled was something to endure, not enjoy. My mom loved braiding and tying my hair. I hated it. The best way I can describe it is when you get the hebbie-jeebies - being touched gave me a feeling of pain, shivers and distinct uncomfortableness. It's just a yucky feeling.

Light touch is worse than deep touch. I enjoy a rough scalp massage, like when getting my hair washed at the salon. But a soft caress gives me the most disgusting feeling. So did long hugs. It could be so bad sometimes, that it actually made me vomit.

What looks like a loving hug can feel like torture

So not liking soft kisses, caresses and other common demonstrations of affection make it look like I don't like love. When it's a child, it looks like the child hates you or finds you disgusting. It offended my mother greatly. My mom always wanted to smother me. Or at least, that's how it felt, because she didn't respect my bodily integrity.

It is always a worse (or more pronounced) sensory experience when the activity is forced upon me. So a surprise touch or one where I did not give consent is worse. In other words, a hug I did not want will feel more disgusting than a hug I want. Again, this was all much worse as a child since I could not get away from my mother. I learned to ignore my own feelings in order to make her feel happy. I will not go into the ramifications of how that sort of behaviour affects a person when it comes to interacting with other people, but I think you can guess. Suffice to say, it made me numb to some extent, and I have done things with people without feeling a thing or caring what was happening to my own body. 

My son, who seems to be my little sensory carbon copy, shows the same signs of having the same sensory issues as I do. He is a bit different, but he's not big on hugs or kisses unless it's on his own terms. If I had my way, I would just love to squeeze him and cover him with kisses, but it's not about what I want because I know what it feels to have people do things to your body against your will. This is why I always ask. ALWAYS.

The point to take away from all this, is that having a sensory issue where touch can be a problem does not mean the person doesn't want to be touched or loved. It means it feels overwhelming and weird at times and worse when forced. I am not in control of the way my body "over" reacts to stimulus. It is not conscious. It is not my fault. My body works differently and that's it. I still love touch, but it has to be on my terms.

Also, I don't have the same reactions as I did as a child. My senses are somewhat muted now. My husband is allowed and able to touch my face and head. But part of that could be because he has respected me and my body and that goes a long way.

Adult ASD Test - The Results

Note: The other steps in my testing can be found here and here.

I FINALLY have my results in my hand!

First of all, I want to acknowledge there are lots of pros and cons to getting officially tested and there are a few other bloggers who have given very sage advice. I'll link to them here when I find them again.

For me, so far I see a HUGE benefit because I got more information than I was expecting. In addition to clarifying my ASD-status, I was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). This is great information. I've been recommended to see an OT to get some help for myself. I feel like I'm finally being heard, understood and better able to understand myself. It's amazing to realize all sort of things in  my life had a reason - that I'm not crazy! I can't really explain how freeing that is. It feels like I am just blossoming and with the right help, I can be even better than I was before.

Some people call their diagnosis date their New Birthday. I totally get that now.

I've spent the last few years getting the right help for my son. It's my turn now (he's doing really well!) and it's a really great feeling.

Happy New Birthday to ME! 

#WondrousWednesdays - Two Left Feet Momma

This week's interview is with Two Left Feet Momma! She is my sister-in-law, so she's talking about my niece. It's interesting how these sorts of things seem to run in families. I have never met my niece, since they live at the other end of the country, but I hope to one day and I'm sure the Little Man would have a lot of fun with his cousins.

***

We live in Langley, BC, Canada. Daughter is 5 years old, diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and Anxiety (suspected high functioning Autism). I work full time as an Environmental Health Officer, currently on a Leave of Absence to support my daughter during her transition to school (kindergarten!). 
What is your biggest challenge with your family member’s disability? 

Being in a group setting is difficult, she becomes easily overwhelmed by sensory and social stimulation. Trying to make and keep friends as well as navigate the social complexities is challenging for my daughter. 
What is the greatest gift from your family member’s disability? 

Amazing memory! She can remember movies word for word as well as events in detail from years ago, and she is only 5. She is also becoming a pretty good little artist.
What’s one thing you want people to know about her disability that many don’t seem to understand? 

That it's not behavioural, she isn't "acting out." A firm discipline will not "fix" her. She is unique and requires a unique way of parenting. 
What has been the best part of maintaining a blog?

To me it's my safe place to talk. Where nobody is judging me about my family, my parenting, my decisions.
What is a typical day like in your life? 

Routine! We do similar things in a similar order. It keeps the chaos down
What’s your favorite pastime?

Drawing or hiking 

What’s your favorite food/drink? 

Greek food and wine
Anything else you’d like to share - a tip, words of wisdom, a recipe, a poem? 

Try and live life for today, try not to dwell on what might be tomorrow.