What To Do When You're At Your Wit's End

I've blogged now about how we parent and hopefully given some useful tips.

But, there are times when you're having an awful day and the kids are just jumping off the walls. The toilet is clogged, the garbage is overflowing, you have no clue what to make for dinner, you just want to drink one cup of coffee, and you can't even think for two seconds without being interrupted. What do you do when you're at your wit's end?

You think, "oh yeah, great, One Quarter Mama had all these great tips, but how can I implement them when all I want to do right now is scream? She's never been to my house! I challenge her to come to my house and try out her sanctimonious gentle parenting crap!"

Well, I've had those days, too.
And I would totally go to your house and give you a hand. Just pay my trip over :)

So what can you do in that moment when you think you're about to explode? Try one, or many, of the following tips until you simmer down enough to think clearly.

1) Take a picture.
Grab your smartphone or tablet and take a picture of the mess, accident, tornado or chaos. This is for you, not to share on social media to embarrass your kids or show everyone what crazy demons they can be. This is for you and your partner to look back at and laugh, because one day you will. One day you will sit alone in your room and miss these ridiculous days.
Taking a picture also buys you time to change your thinking and literally reframe the situation. Your kids may also stop trying to kill each other and start posing and looking cute, which helps.

2) Tell your kids you're losing it.
You can be honest and tell them you are not coping. You are modeling human behaviour and giving them the words they can use when they are in the same situation.
It also teaches them about empathy. Often, kids want to help. If you tell them you need help, they are more likely to do something about it. Say something like, "kids! This is getting too loud and chaotic for me. I can't think and I'm getting very upset. Can you help me by picking up your toys and being more quiet? While you are cleaning up, I will go calm down for five minutes alone." Then, providing everyone will be safe, go somewhere alone for five minutes. Eat a chocolate bar in the shoe closet. Go yell at a chair in the shed. Whatevs.

3) Like #2, take a break and walk away for five minutes.
As long as your kids are safe, feel free to step away for five minutes. Lock yourself in a room. Call a friend. Set a timer and play Candy Crush. Or set a timer and cry. But just five minutes, then re-emerge and start again. (If you feel like you need more than 5 minutes and this happens every day or many times a day, you may need more help and I will leave some ideas for resources at the end of this post)

4) Take a deep breath and try to remember how you want your kids to feel.
Do you want to be apologizing to them before bed tonight for completely losing your marbles at them, or do you want to spend that time reading books and cuddling? Sometimes holding that ideal and keeping it in the forefront can snap you out of reacting badly.

5) Remind yourself this is all temporary.
Kids are only this age once. You don't get any do-overs. They do eventually grow out of most behaviours, even if it takes some longer than others.

6) Keep it in perspective.
Did they smear poop on the walls or is your house burning down? While poop wall paper sucks, a house burning down is a much bigger headache. So try to keep what is happening in perspective. It could be worse. I know I'd rather play "what's the smell?" and pick up surprise turds hidden behind the couch than, say, have to deal with a tummy virus. Or blood. Always look on the bright side! :)

7) Don't take it personally.

Your child isn't acting out to hurt you or spite you. They act out because they simply don't know any better. Or sometimes they just need attention. Perhaps you've been distant and distracted all day and it culminates at the end of the day when you are gifted with an epic tantrum of wild proportions. It's nothing personal though, they just don't know how to express their needs.

8) Remember your kids are people.
You wouldn't (hopefully) yell at an adult in public like this, so why do it to your kids? It's not acceptable either way. Try to remember your kids are just tiny humans learning their way in the world. You are in charge of taking care of them, but you do not own them.

So there, I just gave away all my secrets. Most of the time, I just believe my son is having a harder time than I am, since he has way fewer tools and less life experience. That empathy gets me through the rough patches. Also, because I have it very clear in my head that I don't want to be like my parents, it's very easy for me to think, "what would my parents do in this situation?" and then always do the opposite.

On a serious note - if you are really struggling and have thoughts of harming yourself or others, including your children, please call 911 immediately. Isolate yourself from those who are triggering you while you wait for assistance or run to the neighbour's and tell them you need help. Stay on the line with 911 personnel until someone else arrives.

If you're not in crisis, but not coping well, in QC you can walk into any CLSC during opening hours and ask to see a social worker. They will be able to counsel you and provide resources you may benefit from, such as respite or an aide.

Some insurance companies and employers offer a free Employee Assistance Program (EAP), where you can call for assistance 24/7. Immediate counseling can be given over the phone or you can have access to more long term counselling, if needed. You may be able to take parenting classes or anger management.

One book that has helped us a lot is Nonviolent Communication. We've also done some of the TEACH Through Love Program. 

You Can Get Angry Without Shaming

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of childhood verbal abuse and a video with mature language imbedded

I've written about expressions of anger and frustration before. Rather than qualifying emotions, I simply feel that all emotions need to be expressed and released. Sometimes they need to be shared and sometimes that is beneficial. I also believe, however, that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express one's emotions. My basic belief is "if it harms no one, including yourself, it's probably appropriate."

 This means you can hit pillows when angry (since you probably won't hurt your own hands), you can throw ice cubes at the tiles around the bathtub and watch them explode. (Make more ice cubes for others after or buy a bag of ice specifically for this.) You can scream into a pillow. You can go for a run around the block. You can smash Play-Doh in your hands. You can call a friend. There are so many options to let emotions out.

As parents, we need to give our children options for releasing their emotions, rather than forcing them to keep them inside. We need to show them appropriate ways they can calm down and self-regulate. We need to set the example for how we want them to express themselves in healthy ways. This means as parents and the adult role-model in the situation, we need to watch our own anger issues. 

No one is expecting parents to never get angry. We deal with so many stresses all the time, little things can tip us over the edge. But as adults, we can behave better than children. We have the power to choose how we will react. In any situation, you can react with calmness and empathy for your child, or you can react with contempt, negativity and shaming.

For example, a child can accidentally spill their milk all over the table. In that split second as you see the milk spilling all over the table and the floor, you can say, "why did you do that? I told you to be careful! What's wrong with you? You're so clumsy!"

Or you can say, "oh dear, look at this accident! It's a mess and we'll have to clean it up together."

One teaches the child that there's something wrong with their character and they are inherently flawed. It may also teach the child that your love is conditional on perfect behaviour. The other teaches your child that mistakes happen and that they have to take responsibility for their actions (by cleaning up to the best of their ability) to correct the problem they caused. It makes no statement on their character or value as a person. It just means there is an effect to their actions on the world and they have an opportunity to fix problems as they arise. 

So when I saw this video on YouTube, I not only thought it was funny, but an example of a wonderful relationship between a father and son. One, the son felt safe enough with his father that he knew he could prank him like this. But also, listen to the choice of words the father uses to express his disappointment. He's able to express that disappointment without expressing judgement on his son's character or value. While he does use colourful words (you've been warned about his language), he still sticks to the facts of the problem - it is costly to retake the test and he fears if he has to go again that he will be failed again. At no point does he call his son a name (although he does suggest his son should have used his charm to "sweeten up" the testing agent).

Again, as a parent, you have a choice: react with love and compassion or react with hatred and contempt. How do you want your children to feel about you in the long run? How do you want your children to feel about themselves? Do you want a close relationship with your children or do you not care if you're alone in old age?
I'm not making up extremes. I know of what I speak. I was the kid who was called "stupid" and "idiot" for simple mistakes. What do you think that did to my self-esteem? What do you think my relationship with my mother is like now?

Take heart - if you are not reacting with love now, you still have time to change. You can still repair some damage. It means you will have to take responsibility for the mistakes you made. It means you will have to apologize to your child for all the times you messed up. It's not too late to try. You have a choice. 

Bad Anger, Good Anger

When I was a kid, we were not allowed to express our anger in healthy ways. We also weren't free to cry openly, but that's another issue. I remember my sister had a mini basketball and hoop for her bedroom door. One day she and my parents got into an argument and she went into her room, shut the door and started throwing the basketball at the hoop, hard. My parents yelled at her and made her stop.

Now in my eyes, throwing a basketball in a closed room doesn't hurt anyone. To me, it's a healthy way to let go of the stress of the situation. My parents took away that outlet for us. We weren't breaking things or punching walls. All we wanted to do was be able to hit a pillow or stomp our feet and we could not do that. So anger and sadness festered inside. I'm sure I'm still paying for that now.

Fast forward to my much more free life, without abuse, and raising my own kid, also without abuse. He is still small, so he doesn't always find the words to express himself, but he can do it in other healthy ways. He started out in more unhealthy ways, like hitting, kicking and biting, but has since started to learn those are not acceptable.

Just as an example, the other night Hubby went to give him his vit D, which is in liquid form. (And before anyone asks, all of us in this house take vit D supplements) They are bubble gum flavoured (well at least the kid's version is. Ours is not :( ). The Little Man was drinking vanilla milk. I can only imagine what a weird flavour combination that would be. Anyway, Hubby often forgets to ask permission first before doing things to the Little Man (he's working on that) and pretty much shoved the oils in his mouth in between sips of milk. You can imagine this bugged the Little Man. He yelled out and started hitting the table. Hubby didn't understand what was wrong, so I explained what the problem probably was. Hubby went and apologized and told him he would not do that again. I went up to the Little Man and praised him for expressing himself in such a good way.

I don't care if he hits a table; a table doesn't feel pain. I only care if he hits a person/animal, and he didn't do that.

So that's how I'm different from my parents. People need ways to be angry safely and without harm. They need prompt and sincere apologies from whoever caused the harm. They need time to calm down and process. And then we can all forgive and go on with life.