On Grief

I’m no expert on grief, but I want you to know you’re not alone and everything you are feeling is totally normal. Just like birth connects women to the wisdom of the ancients – we have been birthing for millennia and each of us become connected like a cosmic thread – death unites us in the same way. Or rather, grief does. I’m unsure if we are united with anyone after death, but for sure, once you experience the death of a loved one, you gain membership into a club no one told you about and one you never wanted to be part of.

The first year is the worst. It just is and there is nothing you can do about it. Accept it is awful. You will feel sick, weak, tired, drained, exhausted, depressed, angry, impatient, and sad. You are going through the process of seeing the world with new eyes and adjusting to a new way of life without your loved one in it. You will take pictures you wish you could show them, and the sudden memory that you cannot will sting your heart. You will go to pick up the phone to call them and remember you cannot. You will hang on to every shred of memory you can find – a scent, an item of clothing, a favourite object of theirs.

image of a woman holding her head in her hand, eyes closed with a pained expression on her face

The first Christmas/Hanukkah, birthday, whatever major celebration without them will suck. If you do manage to have fun, you might stop yourself and feel bad for having fun. Try to just feel whatever you feel and not judge it. I don’t believe any loved one would want us to feel bad – especially because of them.  Ask people to be gentle and patient with you.

I had/have days I wake up fragile without a good explanation other than the emotions just have to pass through and come out. It’s OK to tell your friends and give a head’s up – "today is a vulnerable day."

Every year after gets better. Unlike people, grief never dies. It morphs and lightens and changes, often leaving bittersweet memories instead of pure sadness in its wake, but it will always be with you. And this is why it is futile to fight it and easier to accept it as a journey or a friend who won’t go away. Annoying, but still a friend. A journey without an ending. See it as you wish but know it won’t leave you.

At the same time, there’s no need to hang on too tightly. By moving on, you are not disrespecting the memory of your loved one. They have tucked themselves into a little corner of your heart to make space for all the other wonderful people you will meet in your life. Your heart has enough room to hold them all. It’s a muscle that expands with exercise. Allow your heart to exercise its love muscle!

Remember that all this pain – this horrible heartache – is evidence that you have loved, and loved deeply. And that is a gift, my dear soul. You were lucky.

Easter Is Illogical

Up until now, we've mostly managed to not have to explain religious holidays or traditions that involve a lot of candy/sugar. Mostly because we're not religious and I also don't see a point in giving my kid tons of candy for no good reason (is there ever a good reason?).

However, we haven't kept him in a bubble, so he knows about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny because of school. He didn't remember the name of Easter, so he was referring to it as "special day."
I finally figured out he was talking about Easter, so I gave him the name and The Little Man asked, "what's that?"
I said, "there's a bunny who gives out eggs and you have to find them."

"No," he said, "bunnies don't lay eggs. Chickens have eggs."

"Yes, I know. Logically, bunnies do not have eggs but for Easter they do for some reason and the eggs are filled with treats."

"Ok," he says, "the eggs will have butterflies in them."

"Fair enough. If bunnies can lay eggs, then it follows that the eggs can have butterflies."

Luckily, the Dollar Store sells little foam butterflies so I will stick some in plastic eggs for him. If that's what the man expects to find then I shall do it!

It probably would have been less trouble to just say no, this is how it is, but it's probably more fun to just encourage his own imagination and play along with it. There's plenty of time as an adult to get your crazy ideas and dreams squashed. 

It's Pumpkin Time!

I stopped off at the grocery store after work last night and decided to pick up a little pumpkin. I opened the door and said, "hey, Little Man, I have a surprise for you!"

Oh my goodness, I wish I had videotaped the whole reaction because he just went off and starting talking all about carving pumpkins! It was great. He was talking a mile a minute, "we're going to draw a face on it and cut it and put a candle in it and we're gonna love it and we have to scoop out the yucky stuff and...."

I did take pictures, but like I said, I really wished I had videotaped the whole surprise. I didn't expect him to be so excited, lol!

Pumpkin Carving Time!

Speaking of Halloween though, I really better hurry up and finish his costume!