You Can Get Angry Without Shaming

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of childhood verbal abuse and a video with mature language imbedded

I've written about expressions of anger and frustration before. Rather than qualifying emotions, I simply feel that all emotions need to be expressed and released. Sometimes they need to be shared and sometimes that is beneficial. I also believe, however, that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express one's emotions. My basic belief is "if it harms no one, including yourself, it's probably appropriate."

 This means you can hit pillows when angry (since you probably won't hurt your own hands), you can throw ice cubes at the tiles around the bathtub and watch them explode. (Make more ice cubes for others after or buy a bag of ice specifically for this.) You can scream into a pillow. You can go for a run around the block. You can smash Play-Doh in your hands. You can call a friend. There are so many options to let emotions out.

As parents, we need to give our children options for releasing their emotions, rather than forcing them to keep them inside. We need to show them appropriate ways they can calm down and self-regulate. We need to set the example for how we want them to express themselves in healthy ways. This means as parents and the adult role-model in the situation, we need to watch our own anger issues. 

No one is expecting parents to never get angry. We deal with so many stresses all the time, little things can tip us over the edge. But as adults, we can behave better than children. We have the power to choose how we will react. In any situation, you can react with calmness and empathy for your child, or you can react with contempt, negativity and shaming.

For example, a child can accidentally spill their milk all over the table. In that split second as you see the milk spilling all over the table and the floor, you can say, "why did you do that? I told you to be careful! What's wrong with you? You're so clumsy!"

Or you can say, "oh dear, look at this accident! It's a mess and we'll have to clean it up together."

One teaches the child that there's something wrong with their character and they are inherently flawed. It may also teach the child that your love is conditional on perfect behaviour. The other teaches your child that mistakes happen and that they have to take responsibility for their actions (by cleaning up to the best of their ability) to correct the problem they caused. It makes no statement on their character or value as a person. It just means there is an effect to their actions on the world and they have an opportunity to fix problems as they arise. 

So when I saw this video on YouTube, I not only thought it was funny, but an example of a wonderful relationship between a father and son. One, the son felt safe enough with his father that he knew he could prank him like this. But also, listen to the choice of words the father uses to express his disappointment. He's able to express that disappointment without expressing judgement on his son's character or value. While he does use colourful words (you've been warned about his language), he still sticks to the facts of the problem - it is costly to retake the test and he fears if he has to go again that he will be failed again. At no point does he call his son a name (although he does suggest his son should have used his charm to "sweeten up" the testing agent).

Again, as a parent, you have a choice: react with love and compassion or react with hatred and contempt. How do you want your children to feel about you in the long run? How do you want your children to feel about themselves? Do you want a close relationship with your children or do you not care if you're alone in old age?
I'm not making up extremes. I know of what I speak. I was the kid who was called "stupid" and "idiot" for simple mistakes. What do you think that did to my self-esteem? What do you think my relationship with my mother is like now?

Take heart - if you are not reacting with love now, you still have time to change. You can still repair some damage. It means you will have to take responsibility for the mistakes you made. It means you will have to apologize to your child for all the times you messed up. It's not too late to try. You have a choice. 

Science Is Real

Hubby bought the DVD, Here Comes Science by They Must Be Giants. Do you remember that group from the 90s? They had, like, one big hit and I didn't like it.

Turns out they write really catchy tunes about science-related subjects. Even I am being reminded of my physics class days.

Guess what, The Little Man LOVES these songs! He sings, he dances, he asks to watch it over and over. I really can't complain. If he remembers the songs, they'll serve him well in life. 

Fostering Family Planning

When I was around five, my mom, sister and I were having a conversation about growing up. I think my sister said she was going to be a lawyer and never get married or have kids (she never changed her mind about the last two, but she changed her mind about being a lawyer).

I said I was going to marry, "a white man with a moustache and have 10 kids!" My mom laughed and told me I didn't have to do any of that, but I assured her I would.

I did marry a white man who had a moustache at the time. I'm still working on the 10 kids part.

If you read our About Us page, you'll know I have a 75% miscarriage rate, so getting and staying pregnant is not easy for me.

Us in Vegas after our vow renewal ceremony. I was in the process of miscarrying our second baby.

So we've had three angel babies, the Little Man was my fourth pregnancy and I recently signed up to be a foster parent with Plan Canada. I received the picture of a little boy in El Salvador named Anderson. I hope to foster him til he's 18 and visit him one day, so I consider him my 5th child.

So where are the other five going to come from? LOL

Ok, I don't necessarily need five more kids, but I still think there's room in my heart.

We still ain't no Duggar family!

Sometime last year,  we attended fostering info sessions. I started filling out the long application after that. Hubby was not so enthused, and I didn't want to rush into anything. Then he came around and starting filling out his part and now I'm not so sure. Mostly because we're still trying to establish therapy for the Little Man. We're not even sure where we're going to live next year! I've been at my company only five months now and we may move closer to our workplaces and a special school for the Little Man. I feel like there are a lot of unknowns. While I know nothing is ever guaranteed and there's no perfect time to have a kid, there are probably some times that are still a little better than others.

If I didn't often feel so overwhelmed with the uncertainty and preoccupied arranging therapies/visits/follow up phone calls, it would make it easier to add another child to the mix. But I think I'm taxed out right now. There's not a day that goes by I'm not getting on someone's case about my son's file (you have to be or you'll never hear back!) or filling out an application or talking to insurance - it's just too much. I can't imagine doing that with TWO!

But there is still love to give and I really want the Little Man to have a sibling, so it will happen one day and maybe not in the way I expect. You just never know. 

The First I Love You

Every night before bed, Hubby rocks the Little Man and I come in and get my good night kiss. I say "Good Night, Little Man" and sometimes, but not always, he says, "Good Night, Mama!"

Then I usually say, "I love you!" and he usually just looks at me or ignores me or whatever and it's no big deal. Last night for the first time ever though, he responded with, "I love you, mama."

This was wonderful and surprising, but probably not in the way you'd expect from a mama. It was significant because it means he understands the complex syntax and the social use of it. He doesn't have to feel love when he says the words, we already have our nose beep system for that, it's the comprehension and production of language that is interesting.

You see, he didn't just parrot back, "I love you Little Man" or just "I love you" - it's more complex to understand that the subject of the sentence changes. It means his little brain is learning tons about language. That's very cool!

I Love You Mama Greeting Card by oodlesdoodles

Little Boys Smell Like Grass and Worms

I'd always wanted a little boy. I just prefer them. I know a lot of women say they don't know how to relate to a little boy; how they're loud, dirty, full of energy and never sit still. That's exactly why I love them though!

I think little boys are more likely to break bones or hurt themselves in general, but little girls get into trouble doing more devious things. I think they also whine more. Nevertheless, I think I knew what I was getting into before I had my boy and it's everything I expected to be.

I love how he goes out to the park and digs in the dirt. I love how he walks home, preciously holding on to a special rock or stick he found to give to me. I love how he has the mysterious ability to get grass and dirt in his socks, down his pants and in his ears.

I love how he gets so excited when he sees a truck or a school bus. I love how he runs around with boundless energy but stops periodically to give me a drive-by hug. I love how after all his running around and independence, we still cuddle up and I rock him to sleep for his nap. I kiss his sleepy head and I smell him. He smells like outdoors. He smells like adventure. He smells like grass and worms and it's the best scent in the world. I love it and it's everything I ever wanted. 

Cute Kids Have Delays Too

We were at the feeding clinic yesterday and the Little Man gained half a pound in the last three weeks, so he's finally doing well. He's between the 10-15th percentiles now, which is just fine by me. The psychologist said, "in a way, you have to be super parents because your child is not like the other ones and you have to work harder." Yes, THANK YOU! I knew that, but it's nice to be validated. I always knew he was different. And people always go, "oh, but he's cute," "oh, but we still love him." Ok, but being cute doesn't change the fact that he's different and it can be extremely challenging to teach him even the simplest thing, like eating. You would think eating would be easy! And it's tough when you look at other kids, some much younger, and they're sitting down happily chowing away, using forks and spoons and your kid just gags and spits things out.

Please people, give mommies some credit. If mommy says she's having a hard time because she knows something is weird or different about her kid, don't tell her her child is cute. Don't tell her it will get better on its own by magic. Don't patronize her. Tell her you'll listen and see if you can help.

Yes, my child is cute and "a unique and special snowflake," but he also has delays and sensory issues that I haven't even begun to understand. Those things don't stand in contrast or negate each other. Those things just are the complexity of my child.

I Don't Ask for Much From My Baby

We met the other speech therapist today. To sum up, in her educated opinion, our child is immature, spoiled and a late talker. She put it more diplomatically than that, but that's the gist of it. Because his play behaviour is so behind (she put him at behaving like a 15-18 month old - which I agree) she believes there is "something else" but not ASD, luckily.
Also, because of his persistence in walking with his arms up, hands often clenched, and general clumsiness, we're looking at mild Cerebral Palsy.

And just to be clear, because I think people probably bring too many of their own personal issues into these things when they read my reports/updates/speculations:

**I don't love my son any less. I don't think of him any differently. He does not become a disease, disability or label suddenly. I don't care what he has or doesn't have, nor do I care how it was caused (since I can't change or fix that now), I only really want to know so we can provide him with the best care and opportunities possible.**

Well-meaning people have already said too many stupid things to me - it's not about me worrying or wanting him to become a genius with three Ph.D.'s and find a cure for cancer. I'm not thinking that far. I want him to be as happy and healthy as possible now, so he can reach *his* full potential, whatever that is.

You have to remember, he is my fourth "baby." I gave up all that shit about expectations a long time ago. When he was born, I cried because I was so happy he was ALIVE. And that's still how I see my life with him.

He's alive.

I don't ask for very much from my baby.

New Clothes AGAIN?

I swear to Krashnu, if my mom makes another comment about the quality of my milk or breast feeding, she is getting squirted in the eye.

I think she's jealous it's working for me when it didn't work for her...not that I believe she really tried anyways.

In other news, I need new clothes *again*. Despite my waistline being almost back to pre-pregnancy size, my hips have expanded, so my maternity pants are actually kinda tight. And my boobs have exploded even more than they did during pregnancy, so many of my tops don't fit. (Never in my life did I imagine I'd find a shirt that didn't fit my boobs. Usually my boobs are lost in the shirt. I've now gone from A34 to C36. This is ridiculous.)

Do I get to keep these boobs, btw? Though I think a B would be sufficient. I'd like to sleep on my stomach again.

Oh, in more positive news, I was able to lay down flat on top of Hubby, no belly in the way since what feels like an eternity. It was pure bliss. We made out and it felt like we were dating again.