What does it mean to Parent Like an Autistic?

 I wrote the book and titled it, How to Parent Like an Autistic, but what does that mean? And why would anyone want to?

I wrote it simply with the premise that autistic people know what is best for us the vast majority of the time, if not all the time.  

With so many forums like, "Ask an Autistic" we know neurotypical (NT) parents want to understand what is going on in their child's minds. It's best to ask people with firsthand experience, aka Autistic Adults. Autistic adults know what works best for us and what worked best for us as children. We also remember what harmed us. 

This is my biggest piece of advocacy to date because not only is it empowering NT parents by giving them insights into the autistic mind and what to do, but by extension, will hopefully bring greater understanding to child development and lead to happier, better adjusted autistic adults. I want to see the next generation of autistic people with improved mental health, not suffering from PTSD, and not committing suicide at such high rates. We deserve better. I hope this book brings people on the path to make things better. 

I truly believe autistic children thrive when they are unconditionally accepted for who they are. I believe they need autistic mentors and friendships. I also believe autistic parents are the best at supporting autistic children and we share many common beliefs and practices about parenting. It was with this idea that I started surveying autistic parents for my book. 

Parents need support as well, and this book can either serve to guide them along the right path to make sure they are doing the best for their autistic child, or affirm that they are doing it exactly as an autistic would. 

I feel autistic parents will also enjoy seeing their parenting philosophy reflected in the pages, if nothing else than to feel validated and not alone in our unique style. 

Fixing Behaviours

Oh boy, I get a lot of juicy post ideas from some of the parenting groups I'm on.

One was about her ASD son doing a specific behaviour. He's young and when she asked why he does it, he said it's because he likes it. She then asked the community, "how do I stop it?"

Well, the first question out of my mouth was, "if he says he likes it, why do you want to stop it?"

To which she replied, "good question! Maybe other people won't like it. It doesn't actually bother me when I think about it."

So what's the problem?

Here we have a trap a lot of parents fall into:
child is doing something different from others, therefore it must be stopped!
There's this whole school of thought about fixing behaviours.

But guess what? You don't have to like every single thing your child does. Do you know why? Because they're not mini YOU. They are their own person and they get to have different likes and dislikes. I bet they don't like everything about you either. Tough.

You also are not required to control every single little thing they do. You don't. You have your own life to live and you should value your time. Micromanaging your kid's behaviours probably isn't the best use of your time, especially when it doesn't actually harm anyone.

So my solution for the above mother: talk to him! Tell him you understand he likes doing this thing, but that not everyone will appreciate it. So he should only do this thing he likes with other people who like it. This way you are explaining to him how to respect other people's space/needs without actually stopping or shaming his enjoyment in said activity.

Again, as long as he is not hurting anyone, including himself, and he truly is enjoy it, then why not let him enjoy his life?

Besides, what else is childhood for if it's not for exploration and discovery? It won't be long until he's into something else. Not every behaviour needs to be "fixed."

Autism Parenting Magazine Disappoints

A fellow Autistic blogger, M Kelter, alerted me last week that he is no longer contributing to Autism Parenting Magazine because this month's issue includes coverage on a "curebie" doctor. You need a subscription to see the full issue, but you can see the list of contents on their site.

(If you know me by now, you know I don't provide a voice or links to things I don't agree with, so you'll have to do your own research - besides, I think that is better than just listening to my opinion! So while I will tell my story, I will not name names. I don't believe in giving these people a forum or space on my blog.)

So this particular doctor is a doctor of engineering, but since his daughter was diagnosed as autistic, he suddenly became some sort of biological expert. He no longer gets her vaccinated (he believes vaccines caused her autism) and he believes some sort of mixture of vitamins/supplements will "cure" her.

So after M Kelter informed me of his decision to cut ties with the magazine, I tweeted them to ask why they were including an anti-vaxxer in their magazine. To my great disappointment, they never replied to me. They did speak to him and said it was a matter of a difference of opinion. I'm sorry (actually, I'm not) this particular difference of opinion not only hurts Autistics, but it hurts all of society.

I don't believe you can seriously say you are working in the best interests of autistic people while simultaneously advocating for their "cure."

Also, when "treatments" become a matter of opinion and not based on actual reputable and real scientific facts, you have a great possibility for harm. I mean, I could say I believe eating worms is more effective than brushing my teeth, but that doesn't suddenly make it right, no matter how educated I am.

Why is it ok to experiment on Autistic people? I'm pretty sure most of us these kids didn't sign up to be test subjects. Meanwhile "doctors" and parents think it's totally cool to inject their Autistic kid with B12 in their ass in the middle of the night because CURE.

Not cool, Doc, not cool. Stick to building roads or bridges or whatever kind of engineering you were actually trained for. Shame on Autism Parenting Mag for giving a voice to a quack.

An Ode To An Autism Mother

This is an amazing talk about meeting your child where they are – that means encouraging and working on the talents and skills they have, following their lead and developmental timeline, and presuming competence at all times. 

This also means not restricting or taking away their “obsessions” or “fixations.” This means not comparing them to others. This means caring less about how they “function” and more about what makes them excel. This goes for all children, not just autistic or special needs.

When you support them and their interests and accept them for who they are, not only will they flourish personally, but they may even devote a wonderful TedTalk to you one day. 

I Get To Keep My Baby A Bit Longer

This post is probably the most amazing post I've read by an autism mama in a long time. (Omg, go over and give her some love, she just had a miscarriage :( )

Jeanie really expresses very well a lot of my experience with my Little Man - the tantrums over nap time. And once you get him down for a nap, it's so hard to get him up! lol

My son has small vocal cords because of his apraxia/dyspraxia and it can lead to problems later, but at the moment, I have to say, like Jeanie, I like his little voice. We just have a lot in common.

And like her, I also sometimes appreciate the fact he acts younger and I get to hold on to my baby for just a little longer.