What Does A Meltdown or Shutdown Feel Like?

Meltdowns are not fun for anyone, so while it's great to get an idea for what it feels like from the inside, it's best if we can prevent them completely. You may also like to read, How To Prevent A Meltdown.

A meltdown, to me, is an incredibly complex experience that I am going to do my best to break down and describe. The following is what a meltdown feels like for me. There are other accounts (and here's another example). It's not like there's a right way to have one! So if you're looking to understand the phenomenon, you should try to find more first-hand accounts.

Meltdowns happened to me mostly in my teens and early 20s. I would say by 25, I stopped. That's not to say it won't ever happen again, but I hope not. By then, I presume I'd gone through enough therapy and maturing that I have better awareness and control over what is happening to me. As I've gotten older, I have gotten better at not getting myself to that state (or just protecting myself and getting myself out of situations to prevent things from escalating). That's a really important point.

Children do not usually have the power to escape from situations that are triggering, so as a parent, you have to facilitate that for them.

What happens to me now periodically are shutdowns, which are just as frustrating, but quieter and can even go unnoticed to the untrained eye. I still have the occasional passionate outburst, and I can cover that briefly also. My outbursts are mostly harmless and I don't put it in the same category.

Both meltdowns and shutdowns leave me feeling drained and like utter crap. There's really no sugar coating it.

Meltdowns are scary because to get to that point, I have totally lost control. The ones I remember most were caused when people other than my parents were dismissive of me. I learned to tolerate the abuse of my parents, probably just to be able to survive, but I could not tolerate it from anyone else. In my case, when others did it, it really was abusive. I would say, "no, stop that" repeatedly and they didn't listen. They were purposely poking at an open wound. That caused me to totally lose it. These were the only times in my life where I lashed out physically. When it happened, I literally saw red. I cannot see. All I can see is red light and nothing else. It's as if blood has dripped into my eyes and is blinding me. When people say they were so angry, they blacked out and did not even know what they were doing, I think that is what I experienced. Once I raised a chair at my teacher to throw it at him. I was so angry, I could not see. The only thing I remember was the voice of my best friend yelling, almost screaming, "KELLY! KELLY!" until I snapped out of it.

I actually have no regret for scaring that teacher and for whatever reason, I never got in trouble for it. Maybe because it was so out of character for me, who was normally very quiet and on the Honor Roll. Meltdowns are shocking to the person experiencing them because there is really nothing you can do about it. It's out of character and I was capable of hurting people I did not necessarily want to. It can be over as quickly as it started, which makes it strange for on-lookers also. Afterwards, I am left feeling like I've run a marathon - heart beating in my ears, drained, feeling sick and confused.

This looks a bit like a meltdown to me. From http://josiemaysoptionsblog.blogspot.ca/2012/12/antony-gormley.html
Check out this artist's other works. They are very good. 

Shutdowns, on the other hand, are not as outwardly expressive for me. They rarely involve anyone else. In fact, I usually retreat until it's over. A shutdown occurs after a long period of stress. For example, in the months following the death of my father. It's a cumulative thing that I call, "running out of cope." It starts like a panic attack and spirals into the absolute worst anxiety attack you can ever imagine. When it hits me, I actually don't even know what I'm feeling. I often feel like I should cry to let it out, but I can't. I want to scream, but I can't. I feel trapped inside my skin and get anxious, dizzy and nauseous. Sometimes I shake/shiver uncontrollably. Sometimes I gag and retch, but I don't usually actually vomit. Other times I have cried uncontrollably, but that's not as common. What I usually do now is take a Dramamine and an Ativan and just go to bed. Sometimes I will play a repetitive mindless game like Bejeweled Blitz to take my mind off of my thoughts. It is worse for me if I try to pretend it's not happening or to talk to anyone. I have tried going out for fresh air and walk and that doesn't help either. Right now the only solution I have is to drug myself and sleep it off. I usually wake up the next morning feeling totally drained and empty.

It should be noted that I only seem to fall apart like this when I know it's safe to fall apart. In other words, when I am sure my husband is able to care for the Little Man. I feel like my subconscious is saying, "ok, you've held it together long enough, now it's ok to let it out!"

Obviously, daily stress management is an important part of keeping these shut downs at bay, but the amount of cope I have at any given time is variable due to well, just life. This is why I put a lot of work into taking care of myself. It is essential I get enough sleep and eat well. It's even more important during times of high stress. This is difficult because when I'm stressed, I don't usually want to sleep or eat. It's tough because it's not about being on a fad diet or frou-frou lifestyle choice. I will simply not be able to be a functional member of my family or society if I don't take care of myself every day. I can't take a day off from self-care without paying for it later in some way.
(Not a complaint, just making people aware of being non-judgmental when you see someone avoiding a certain food or activity. It's not always for the reasons you think.)

If you have any questions about my experience, please feel free to ask. I am an open book. No matter which one it is, both feel really bad to the person going through it and if there's anything you can do to help them not happen, that's greatly appreciated.

Emotions Explained - Call For Submissions

I debated starting this project. First I had the idea to explain how I experience emotions so that non-Autistic people might be able to get a better idea of how Autistic may experience emotions. It may also be useful for other Autistics - since being newly diagnosed, I am learning more about how others see the world. It has been useful for me to read Autistic people's writings because I am finding similarities. I have gone all my life not knowing that what I experience is not the "norm." I mean, I can't get into someone else's head, so whatever I feel, I thought most others experienced similarly. Now I realize that I only share those sort of experiences with Autistics - which is cool, scary and an eye-opener all at once.

Then I realized I can only really speak for myself and my own experience.

Lastly, the best advice I can give to any parent of an Autistic: if you want to understand your child better, spend more time observing YOUR CHILD.

Despite that, I believe this project *can* serve a larger purpose, but I want more voices than just mine included, so here's a call for submissions:

If you are Autistic, please submit a comment or a post describing how you experience one of the major emotions - happiness, sadness, anger, or fear. You can submit for as many emotions as you like. Email your submission to 1blackpepper at gmail.com
I will link to posts or quote comments (with permission) in separate posts for each emotion. It doesn't have to be an original post - if you already have something explaining how you experience an emotion, just send me the link and I will link to it. 

Thanks and please spread the word.

Bad Anger, Good Anger

When I was a kid, we were not allowed to express our anger in healthy ways. We also weren't free to cry openly, but that's another issue. I remember my sister had a mini basketball and hoop for her bedroom door. One day she and my parents got into an argument and she went into her room, shut the door and started throwing the basketball at the hoop, hard. My parents yelled at her and made her stop.

Now in my eyes, throwing a basketball in a closed room doesn't hurt anyone. To me, it's a healthy way to let go of the stress of the situation. My parents took away that outlet for us. We weren't breaking things or punching walls. All we wanted to do was be able to hit a pillow or stomp our feet and we could not do that. So anger and sadness festered inside. I'm sure I'm still paying for that now.

Fast forward to my much more free life, without abuse, and raising my own kid, also without abuse. He is still small, so he doesn't always find the words to express himself, but he can do it in other healthy ways. He started out in more unhealthy ways, like hitting, kicking and biting, but has since started to learn those are not acceptable.

Just as an example, the other night Hubby went to give him his vit D, which is in liquid form. (And before anyone asks, all of us in this house take vit D supplements) They are bubble gum flavoured (well at least the kid's version is. Ours is not :( ). The Little Man was drinking vanilla milk. I can only imagine what a weird flavour combination that would be. Anyway, Hubby often forgets to ask permission first before doing things to the Little Man (he's working on that) and pretty much shoved the oils in his mouth in between sips of milk. You can imagine this bugged the Little Man. He yelled out and started hitting the table. Hubby didn't understand what was wrong, so I explained what the problem probably was. Hubby went and apologized and told him he would not do that again. I went up to the Little Man and praised him for expressing himself in such a good way.

I don't care if he hits a table; a table doesn't feel pain. I only care if he hits a person/animal, and he didn't do that.

So that's how I'm different from my parents. People need ways to be angry safely and without harm. They need prompt and sincere apologies from whoever caused the harm. They need time to calm down and process. And then we can all forgive and go on with life.

Bodily Integrity and Children

Bodily Integrity is most often mentioned when debating abortion, but it has a major place in how I choose to parent my child.

Bodily integrity (or bodily autonomy/body autonomy) is the concept that each individual has rights to his or her own body. They have the right to choose what to do with it and who will touch it and when.

This is one of the reasons I don't believe in circumcision. It's also why I'm against piercing a baby's ears before they are old enough to ask for it themselves. By all means, if my son would like to alter his body with tattoos, piercings or even cut off his right pinky finger, he's free to do so once he's old enough to consent. As it is NOT my body, I do not have the right to alter his body unless it is a serious medical necessity.

What I want to focus on is where it concerns ALL children: expressions of affection. Often you will see parents say things like, "go give Grandma a kiss!" Whether the child wants it or not, they are usually scooped up and covered in kisses. This is extremely disrespectful and sets a precedent for abuse because it disregards the child's feelings. It tells the child that whether they like it or not, sometimes they have to accept being kissed, hugged and held by people they don't want. When you tell them they don't have a choice, that their "no" is ignored, they learn that there are times when they must ignore their true feelings and let certain things happen.

When someone tries to molest them, do you think they are good at saying "no?" It wasn't listened to before, so why would anyone listen to it now?

When they are teenagers and a boy starts trying to kiss or grope them and they don't like it - do you think they will say, "no" or will they accept that sometimes you just have to put up with these things?

This is why I always ask my son if he would like a hug or a kiss. This is why if he says, "no" I respect that and leave him alone. It doesn't matter that I'm his mom. It doesn't matter I don't have bad intentions. What matters is that he is given complete control over his own body and has the confidence to say "no" if he doesn't want someone in his space.

As a mother, it means sometimes I do not get a kiss goodnight. As a mother, it means I may go months or even years without a hug or kiss from my son, if he chooses. Because it's not about me or my body.

When it comes to parenting an Autistic child, it means he is allowed to jump, spin, flap, hum or do whatever he wants to do with his body, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. Because it's his body. And by hurt, I mean actually make contact with another person's body, because then that affects their bodily autonomy. Otherwise, if you don't like looking at it, don't look!

Forcing someone else to change for your benefit is not respect, and that includes forced hugs and kisses. A child, in fact any person, is able to express love, emotions and even respect without touching anyone or being touched.