Adoption Day

We'd already been living as a family of four for over a year when we finally had our adoption finalization court date. Despite telling everyone this would be the case from the beginning, people still expressed surprise - "you mean...all this time!?"

All this time we were not his legal parents.
All this time we had no birth certificate for him.
All this time we had home visits from our social worker to check up on us.
All this time we waited.

I barely slept the night before our court date. I was excited to officially become a "forever family" and I also felt sad for his birth family. It seemed so final...and it was.

We paid our fee to our lawyer and entered the court room.
Hubby and I both testified and the whole process took maybe 10 minutes.
And that was it. After over a year of being together, a judge finally declared us a real family in the eyes of the law.

We exited the court room and I played We Are Family on my phone as we walked out of the court house.

And that's how our family was made.

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by
(Hey) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close?
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up ev'rybody and sing

Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the world's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal's in sight
(WE!) no we don't get depressed
'Cause here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
This is our family Jewel

Sister Sledge - We Are Family Lyrics

It's Not My Party

The Tiny Man's court date for his adoption (all this legal stuff!) is coming up right before a long weekend, so I was thinking of having an adoption party. After all, we never had a baby shower or even a "Sprinkle". The speed of how he came to be in my arms one winter day really left us no time for such things.

With the warmer weather, I thought it would be nice to celebrate our new family and mark the day the papers are signed; the I's dotted and the T's crossed. Then I started reading about Adoption Day celebrations and "Gotcha Days". Then I started reading what adoptees had to say...

If you stop to think about it, "gotcha!" doesn't have the most positive connotations. It sounds like a game of tag and I tricked someone. Or I stole him away from someone else. Certainly, our "gotcha" day is someone else's horrible day of loss. My son might not like this idea, and he's allowed to not like it.

In reality, we became a family the day I brought him into our home. We kept to ourselves those first early months and kept things low-key for all our benefit. I had tears of sadness and joy. Similarly, with any other "celebration" concerning adoption, he gets to take the lead. He gets to decide how or if he wants to mark these days.

So even though us parents certainly felt a moment of relief, and maybe even wanted to mark the occasion, it's not our day. It's his. It's not about me. It's all about him. It's not my party, and he can cry if he wants to. Or not. When he's old enough he'll get to chose.

Adoption Is A Feminist Issue

For International Women's Day, I'd like to focus on women and adoption, since it's close to my heart.

For obvious biological reasons, adoption tends to affect women more than men. Working from the understanding that feminism is about equality and inclusive (including transgender people), I am not saying it does not affect men, but physically the work is done by women. In the end, the choices before and after are often left to women alone.

To understand why adoption itself is a feminist issue, let's look at everything that leads up to that act.

A woman needs to have education about how her body works. She needs education about contraception and health issues, if she chooses. She needs education about sexual consent. She needs access to contraception and health care. If something happens, she needs access to unbiased education, health care, emergency contraceptives or abortion. If none of that happens, she needs access to health care and resources to help her learn and be supported caring for her baby.

If none of that happens, we, as a society, have failed her.

In Canada, we're failing huge parts of the population. There are not enough accessible health clinics or abortion clinics. Some provinces have none at all.
Let me repeat that. Some provinces have no abortion clinics. None. Not one. 

If you live in PEI, you would have to take time off work, make up some sort of excuse for your family/friends, have the available funds and travel to New Brunswick and stay in a hotel until you can get your abortion there, then travel back. You'd also most likely have to go through it all alone.

Adoption is not a solution. It's an option, but it's a bandaid solution for all the other ways we have failed women as a society. 

How can I say that when I've adopted a child? Don't get me wrong, I love my baby. I feel so very lucky to have had this option to expand my family. We are all very happy to have him with us. But I can acknowledge that and acknowledge the fact he should be with his first mother. I can acknowledge and accept that he would have not made the choice to be separated from her, and she would probably not have made the choice to be separated from him if other options had been available.

We have a tendency, as a society, to judge these women who "give up their babies" and demonize them - maybe that assuages people's guilt that they didn't do more to help. Maybe it makes them feel better somehow. But we can't fix problems we chose to ignore. It's not just a feminist issue, it's a class issue. It's an accessibility issue, it's a financial issue, it's a political issue. It's a fairness issue.

The fact is, she made the best choice she could with the limited options and services available to her. She simply wasn't given the same deck of cards to play with as others do. If there's anyone that should be demonized, it's the government and politics that lead to things being that way; the haves and havenots and that inequality. Because when it affects women and children, it affects us all. 

The Wait Is Not Over

Since my last adoption update, our birth mother gave birth a little early. I got the call while I was at work on a Monday morning that she gave birth. Because it was so close to Christmas holidays, I chose to keep working. There wasn't much I could do while waiting for the baby to be released from the hospital and I felt like I should keep my mind distracted. Let me tell you, it's a truly bizarre feeling to know "your" child is born, but you are not there to hear his cries or comfort him.

The social worker told me to expect to receive the baby sometime in the afternoon the next day, so I went into work that morning. My co-workers were truly amazing and surprised me with a gift card and a deluxe baby bath. It was really heart-warming how they came together on such short notice to support me. I left work that afternoon with them wishing me well and hoping everything goes smoothly.

I went home for lunch and got a call from the social worker. "There's been a delay...and some changes...."
There are always curve balls in adoption, I think. You just have to roll with it. Originally, our social worker was going to deliver him to our house. That changed and they asked us to go to the hospital.

My sister had arrived by then (she lives in another province), and I knew there was potential to wait more at the hospital, so I decided it was best if Hubby and the Little Man wait at home, and I drove to the hospital with my sister.

We got there and waited. And waited. And waited. We browsed in the gift shop. And wandered. And sat. And waited. Finally the social worker told us to wait outside the elevators, they were coming down. So we waited in the hospital hall. Very anti-climatic. Very odd. To think this is THE MOMENT you get to see your child and we're standing in the middle of a hospital.

So with that, three social workers come out, mine carrying our baby and in the middle of the hall, they hand him to me. But just like when I gave birth, when you set your eyes on your baby, for a few minutes the world stops turning and no one else exists. You have no pain, no fears, no worries. You feel love and protection. It doesn't matter if you're lying in a hospital bed or standing in a hospital hall, you see your baby and it's wonderful.

And with that, we pile into the car - me, my sister, our social worker and the Tiny Man - and we drive home. We walk in the door and present the new baby to Hubby and the Little Man. The Little Man is so proud and declares we're, "a real family now." The social worker stays with us for the first hour to make sure we're settled in and with that, our new family is formed.

From there, we had to get past the 30-day wait period - the time that the biological family can request the baby back. This was not as nerve-racking as I thought it would be. I did not guard my heart just in case. As far as I was concerned, this was my child for however long I have him and I will love him because that's what he needs.

We have had him two months now and it feels like he was always supposed to be with us. The Little Man tells everyone he can about his baby brother. He is so happy.

But the waiting is not over.

We have to wait for our day in court for the Order of Placement, which transfers guardianship of the Tiny Man from child protective services to us. Then after that, we have to wait for the finalized adoption. Again, like every other aspect of adoption we've experienced so far, there's no clue how long we'll wait. So the wait is not over!

In the meantime, we just keep living and enjoying our little family.

~ To Be Continued ~

Waiting to Adopt

This is a post I keep drafting and stopping and trying to write. If you follow me on Instagram, you know we finally got the call for a potential adoption. The mother is not due to give birth for another couple of weeks, and she can change her mind at any time. The waiting has been awful! We were told it would be tough, but it's hard to put into words what it actually feels like until you're dropped into it.

Getting the call was like being handed a positive pregnancy test, except I hadn't peed in a cup. It's like, "wha? huh?" Maybe this is how men feel?

A million thoughts ran through my head - about the present and the future.  Once I got over the "is this really happening?" feeling, I couldn't help but start to plan and wonder. One minute everything is the same as always and the next you know huge changes will be coming along, you just don't know when or for sure.

I started going into nesting mode - cleaning and organizing clutter in the house. Luckily, my friends did with me as well, and started to bring me baby things we may need.

The feelings I have now are mixed with excitement and fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of heartbreak. Adoption takes an incredible amount of trust and bravery on both sides.

Because of all the emotions I am going through, I started looking online for ways others can help us through this time. I could not find very much info, so I'm starting a list I hope can help us and others also going through The Wait:

I know you have questions, but you're not the only one asking me questions. On top of that, we're asking ourselves questions. So maybe try to keep your own questions to a minimum? Some answers will be apparent to everyone in time.

Please also understand that I can't or won't answer certain things. Some things I honestly don't know and others are just no one else's business. My child's story is theirs alone to tell and again, if it's important for you to know, you will have your answers in time.

I need you to know that as excited as I am, it is tempered by worry things won't work out and sadness for the loss my child and his mother will experience.

I need you to help me prepare my home and mind, the same way I would if I were pregnant. At the same time, we can enjoy our last moments of "freedom" before my life gets taken over by bottles and diapers. Invite me out for coffee, take me for a spa day - distract and pamper me like any mother-to-be.
I may not be able to hold a baby shower like a pregnant woman would, but you can still help me feel special, or maybe offer to babysit the Little Man, so Hubby and I can process alone a bit.

Understand it is very stressful to live under this amount of uncertainty - I might not always be in the best mood or want to talk about it.

Please tell me you will be there for me no matter what happens. I will need you in good times and bad. I am scared of the unknown and whether or not I will have anyone by my side if everything doesn't go as planned. 

You Don't Just Give Kids Away

I just read this awful story about a family in BC who adopted a child and then decided they didn't want him any more, so they just left him with a woman in the States they met online.

I'll forgive you if you need to read the above sentence more than once before it sinks in.

I cannot for the life of me understand why instead of looking for help or resources in their community, they chose to spend their time in chat rooms with strangers. Then they spent time and money travelling to the US to bring the 5-year-old there.

Instead of all that planning and plotting, they could have taken parenting classes. Or gotten respite. Or therapy. Or whatever they needed to deal.

On the plus side, the child was not harmed (well, not physically at least) - I mean, thank goodness they did not hurt or try to kill him. This story could have been much worse! But I still don't understand their logic and lack of love. I also don't understand why they are not charged with neglect, endangerment or abandonment.

Apparently this happens much more often than we hear about and mostly with international adoptions. It's called a "failed adoption" or "rehoming." I wonder what it is about the process that potential adoptive parents just don't understand that you don't just give kids away. Why aren't these parents being questioned more strictly? Or why don't they know what to do once they're home?

Also, why did I bother going through the adoption process, getting security checks and all, when I could have just gone online and someone would hand over a kid to me? Geez. I'm doing it all wrong!

What a strange world we're in.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Follow the Twitter hashtag #NAAM and #flipTheScript

See also: 4 Myths About Adoption
and National Adoption Awareness Month

4 Myths About The Adoption Process

Since we announced our decision to adopt locally, we've heard all sorts of warnings, issues and problems people have heard from "someone who knows someone who adopted and...".

We've also heard how "amazing" or "blessed" we must be to even contemplate such a thing. So I want to straighten out a few things about our case and how the system (here at least) works.

Myth #1: It's Expensive!

We looked into international adoption previously and the cost depends on the country in question. Even then, it's not representative of the cost of the child. The costs are mostly legal, agency and travel fees, as well as a donation to the orphanage. Do not ask people how much their child cost them!

In our case, we're doing local adoption, and agency fees are paid for by the government. What we have paid for so far was our police background check ($125 each), and for doctors to fill out our medical forms ($170 total). Once the adoption is finalized, we can pay for an updated birth certificate - like we would for any other child. I hardly see that as expensive. I spent more money on tests and scans when I was pregnant, quite honestly.

I also want to stress we're not rich. While we are paying for a house, we're also paying off the debt from huge renos last year. While I believe we could survive off of one income, it wouldn't be fun and it wouldn't be mine! I wouldn't want to lose my job without something lined up either. So we are ok, but I wouldn't want to rock the boat too much either.

They look for the basics: you have food in the fridge, a functioning bathroom, a room for the new child, and a washing machine. Is the house/apartment safe and clean? Ok, you're good!

Myth #2: It's Invasive!

We had to have friends and our bosses comment on our character. Good friends are helpful and supportive, so I don't see this as a big deal. They know us best and I have no problem with them vouching for us.

We had to have our bank sign off on our financial situation. I guess some people could be put off by this, but I really have nothing to hide.

The home study was grueling, I'll admit, because we had to rehash everything about our childhoods, which in our cases, weren't the happiest times. I presume others might have a better time with this if they weren't abused. But still, I have nothing to hide. While my past did shape me into the person I am today, I am not ashamed of who I have become. My childhood experiences influence how I choose to parent (attachment/gentle parenting) and I think they should know that.

Yes, it's true, most people don't get questioned before they pop out a baby (often by accident). Most people don't get asked about health, financials and emotional or physical capabilities. But life isn't fair and adoption is not about being fair - it's about doing the best for the child given the situation they have been unfairly placed in.

So yes, it's certainly a more invasive process than had I chosen to use my uterus again, but it's not that bad given the situation, providing you are open, realistic, secure, and upfront about your life and situation. If you are in some sort of blissful denial about your life or financial stability, it will be exposed and it will create problems.

Myth #3: The Child Is Going To Have Problems

Sweetheart, if you want a perfect child, don't have one because it's NOT POSSIBLE! People are flawed. Children are people. Ergo, children are flawed. No one is perfect!

Life is full of problems. Should I stop living because there will be problems?

Also, in case you didn't notice already, I have a disability, and my child has a disability. If the next child is too normal, it won't fit into our family nicely. lol

So hey, maybe the child will have problems, but the child also needs love and a family, and I think that sorta trumps the potential problem issue. If and when there are problems we will deal with them as a family, because that's what families do, amirite?

Myth #4: They're Going To Take The Child Away!

Well, the first family has 30 days to change their mind after placement, so yes, they can take the child back. It's their RIGHT. It is the child's RIGHT. People have rights and those rights should be respected. I don't have any rights in this part of the process because the child is not an object and not my possession. I did not buy it at a store and then get robbed. I am granted guardianship for a short time before the first family relinquishes their rights - if they choose.

Will I be sad? For sure. But it's a chance I take. If I had used my body, I could also have a miscarriage, a stillbirth or a child who dies shortly after birth. These are all potential losses.

But I refuse to make choices governed by the fears of "what if?" My job as a parent is to do right by whatever child I am lucky enough to raise. My job is to give love. My job is to help them become the best person they can be. If I only get to do that for a few weeks, I will do that. If I only get to do that for a few hours, I will do that. I will do that until the minute I die.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Keep learning more by following the Twitter hashtag #NAAM. 

National Adoption Awareness Month ‪#‎NAAM2014‬ #flipTheScript

Even though I'm not American, a large part of my media is, so I think it's fitting to talking about National Adoption Awareness Month, which is November.

We just completed our home study, so by December, we will be on the waiting list for a child.

While it will be amazing to one day hold a new child in our arms to call our own, I'm not going to sugar coat it and pretend it's a wonderful thing. Because it's not. For us to benefit, someone else has to experience incredible hardship and loss. The child will experience so many losses as well.

I don't believe any family wants to relinquish rights*. I believe it is one of the most difficult decisions someone will have to make. I believe the reasons they do are tied to some many social-economic issues and a lack of support - things that we, as a society, could work harder to prevent in the first place.

The discourse on adoption has widely been controlled by adoption agencies and adoptive parents. But adoptees are working to "#flipTheScript" and ask for their voices to be heard. A person has a right to know their birthdate. They have a right to clear and accurate birth records and medical history. They have a right to know their first family*, both in name and in person.

Right now, the laws in Quebec prohibit open adoption. An adoptee cannot initiate a search for their first family until the age of 14. Parents who relinquished their parental rights cannot initiate contact until the child is 18. This is way too long!

What I realized from hearing the voices of adult adoptees, is I need to fight for the rights of these children. I need to work to make the adoptions that do happen in QC, as open as possible.

Part of my way of raising awareness this year, is to leave the floor open to adoptees - only they can speak to their experiences. They have their stories to tell and we need to listen.

Please check out these sites:

http://lightofdaystories.com/2014/11/01/national-adoption-month-and-awareness-flip-the-script/

http://www.thelostdaughters.com/2014/11/flipthescript-on-nationaladoptionmonth.html

*I want people to take note of the language I used to speak about adoption. We do not say "give up" a child, and some people do not like the term "birth mother" instead of "first mother" because it reduces the woman to just a birthing vessel. She is and will always be a mother. 

On That Adoption Journey

Maybe one day we'll be a family of four?

I think it's been YEARS since I mentioned anything about our fostering/adoption journey, which is a shame because I know some people were specifically following me for updates. Sorry for the let-down!

Quite honestly, we needed to get our own lives more sorted out before trying to add more to the mix. Also, after our two fostering info sessions, we weren't exactly running to sign up. I started the paperwork and Hubby just couldn't get into it. So we dropped that idea and decided to give it time to think about what we wanted.

At the beginning of summer, we decided to revisit international adoption again. I looked into a few agencies and then decided we would wait until next year to start pursuing that. But then, as life has a way of doing, we got a surprise call from Youth Services asking us if we wanted to proceed with local adoption. We had put ourselves on the list three years earlier and we figured we would never hear from them!

So we went to that info session and decided to start the process. We figured we'd see what pans out. We had two months to get all our paperwork done: we needed police background checks, financial statements, medicals, and references for all of us (yes, even the Little Man). It was a bit of running around, but we got it all in.

Thanks to our friends for agreeing to answer questionnaires!  

Then we waited two months. 

We got another call recently, telling us they will proceed with the home study now. So this morning we had our first meeting in the home. The case worker (social worker?) checked out the place to make sure we had enough room for another child and that everything was safe. We also answered some questions together (Hubby and I).

I was impressed that it was important to her that we learn the proper language when talking about adoption. "First Mother" instead of "Birth Mother" and "relinquishing parental rights" not "giving up a child." It speaks to the activist deep inside me. We spoke about how it is the child's story and they can choose who they want to tell it to and how. 

So unlike the fostering info sessions we went to, which Hubby described as, "two nights of horror stories," we feel somewhat more comfortable with this. 

From there, we still all need to have individual interviews conducted. We have them scheduled over the next month. And then, if we get through all that, I think we just wait some more. When a baby becomes available, we will be called and told what they know about the parents (if the mother drank alcohol, what ethnic background they are from, the sex of the baby etc) and then we have to decide whether we want that one or not. If we say yes, we either go straight to the hospital (if it requires special care) or we get it directly from the hospital. That's it - wham bam, baby in your hands! lol 

And then we go from one day, being a "normal" family, with our jobs and routines, to suddenly having a newborn in the house. I'm sure it will be a bizarre mix of emotions - and running out to buy diapers and formula! But I figure most stores are open late enough that this is just a detail. And I still have the Little Man's old cloth diapers anyway. 

But that's all just a glimmer in my eye in some other time unknown....

First Concert and Social Workers and Adoption, Oh My!

I've been taking a few courses, so I haven't made many updates lately, but lots of stuff has been going on.

We got a new social worker. I was really happy about that since we have been waiting for a whole year. Unfortunately, she informed me today that she's leaving and we'll be getting a new person to start all over with. To her credit, she was really productive in the short time we worked with her (about a month) and I appreciate that. What can you do?

I had a lovely Mother's Day. Most of it was spent spoiling myself downtown. I bought some new clothes for myself, something I do maybe once or twice a year.
I took this picture with my Little Man:

School is almost over and they held their spring concert. It was the first time The Little Man was up on stage. He performed "Head and Shoulders" with his group and another song with tapping sticks.
Sorry for the blur, but it was dark and I zoomed in so as not to get other kids in the picture (since I didn't ask permission).

The concert was really well organized. They grouped the students by ability, not by age (which is pretty arbitrary when you think about it). I'm really pleased with the school and how far he's come in the last year. 

My last bit of good news will make those who have been trying to follow our fostering/adoption journey happy. For those who don't know, we initially wanted to adopt from Barbados, but found we were restricted here (there's no inter-government agreement currently), so we looked to other countries, but that's a lot of time and money. So we put that on hold and decided to look at the fostering-to-adopt system here. Well, we put ourselves on the "banque mixte" list here and expected to never hear back. We attended the two info sessions on fostering and decided not to proceed with that at the time - we just felt we had two much going on with the Little Man to invest in that.

Not long ago, we agreed we would start the process for international adoption next year. I picked out a few countries I thought we qualified for and filed that in the back of my mind.

Then today I got a call from the banque mixte program, asking if we were still interested and would we come in for an interview. Woohoo! We were on that list for three years and I figured I'd never hear anything. However, because we're a multiracial couple, it works in our favor because they try to match the children up as best as possible. So nothing is set in stone and even if we pass all the home studies and such, there could still be a long wait, but I feel like we are one step closer. Our next child is out there! Hang tight! 

Plodding Along

We had the first adoption/fostering info session last night and it seems that my friend either misunderstood or was lying to me? Yes, we can have the kids in the same room, just not the same bed (quite reasonable to me!) and yes, we can proceed after a "traumatic" event like death in less than a year if we're ok with it. It's a case by case thing. It all comes out in the assessment anyway. I'm a little upset because I don't understand why she would lie to me, I really don't. It's not like we're in competition - from what I understand there are more than enough kids to go around. Good thing I didn't listen to her and kept going along with my own plans! Plod, plod, slowly plod....

I've also been occupied trying to find another therapist to do an assessment on Boo's speech. The first one didn't even look in his mouth. He has a little bit of an upper lip tie and a high hard palate. Helllooo? Can anyone try looking at that? I'm thinking there might be some apraxia(CAS) going on? It's tough also because he's under two and it's hard to get a diagnosis before two, but he's almost there, soooo...by the time I actually get an appointment, maybe he'll be two? I'm going private again cos I don't have time to wait for this shit. Plod, plod....
Don't remember if I mentioned this, but my mom gave him a complex command in French (go get my bag and bring it here) and HE DID IT! I was so surprised! My little dude is bilingual. *beaming with pride*
Makes the plodding more bearable.... :)

It's a lot of work being a mama.

New Info

Zee child has discovered if he climbs on something, he is taller and can reach more interesting things! *sigh* I just don't know where to put anything anymore. I need to empty the apartment and just have washable, padded walls.

Also, food tastes better if it has been vrooomed around the floor like a car.


Tomorrow evening and the evening after he gets to hang out with his Abu, since we're going to the adoption info sessions. I am scared and excited by this at the same time. I've heard they show horrible stories of children who have been abused to scare you from adopting (or just knowing what you're getting into). But I also hear they provide cookies and juice, so it can't be all bad, right?

More Adoption Set Backs

In news of annoying set backs, we found out we can't put an adopted/fostered child in the same room as a biological child. So we'd have to clear out The Little Man's old room, which would mean we'd have to pay for storage again or just move. Not that it matters anyway because I'm disqualified from a child this year now because my father just died. We have to wait 1 year after a "traumatic event" to even be considered. I miss my dad, but I'm not traumatised. We've been trying to adopt since 2008 - this has nothing to do with my dad and never has. So I'm a little annoyed. I'm just starting to feel like they'll just come up with *anything* to slow the process down.
It's looking more and more like I'll have to get knocked up again if we want a child in any reasonable amount of time. Unless someone has a better idea? I guess if I were rich I could just pick one up in Malawi or something :s

QC is paying for three cycles of IVF now, so we could get PGD and while I could still miscarry, at least we have some assurance it's not a genetic mutant. But then Clomid has been linked to birth defects now, so are we really better off? Not to even mention all the weirdness that stuff would do to *my* body. Blargh!

Sometimes I wonder why some women are like the Duggars with like 20 kids and some women have so much trouble.

Ack, my friend just posted pics of her new baby and I have a new niece or nephew due any second now. My uterus is talking to me....