Back to Work!

I signed my offer and had my first day at a new job today!

I had been freelancing since I quit my other job at the end of February. While I got a lot accomplished, I also became very scattered and disorganized. I didn't manage my time very well and I felt like I could not give my best to the various contracts I was trying to juggle. Plus, not being able to predict how things would go long term didn't really sit well with me.

Yellow text that says "back to work" against a background image of a building.

So while I just reaffirmed that I don't like the hustle and unknown of freelancing, it still allowed me to catch up on some other things I wanted to.

It allowed me to spend a bit more time with the Little Man and become a bit more involved at his school. I went on two school outings with him and was able to take him to OT once a week after school. That time also gave Hubby a break - not just time-wise, but also not having any extra worry, knowing I was there with him.

I also watched all three seasons of House of Cards (omg! I need someone to talk to about this!).

I learned a lot from the other contracts I took on. I realized in some ways I knew more than I thought I did, and in others I had stagnated at my old work. So freelancing gave me a fresh perspective.

In the end, I decided I needed the structure of an outside office, with a routine. I seem to do my best work that way. I went to A LOT of interviews, thought a lot about my options and in the end, went with a company that knew almost everything about me before I even stepped in for the interview. See, this HR was smart and checked me out online first. As you can tell, I don't hide a lot of stuff about myself. Some details I keep private, but when it comes to my advocacy and my opinions, I'm pretty much an open book.
So it was wonderful and refreshing to see the whole "autism issue" was very much a non-issue.

While there were opportunities somewhat closer to home, offering more money, I decided to go where I felt I could be myself and accepted, as well as make a difference. It's a new position at this company, so I get to chart my own path to a great extent. This works for me since the basic structure is in place, but then I have the freedom to work in such a way that helps me produce my best work.

So today was my new start and it feels natural and right.

How My ASD Diagnosis Changed Me

It has been just over six months since I got my official ASD diagnosis. It feels longer for some reason, but not in a bad way. It's amazing how much I've changed in the last six months.

I have embraced my diagnosis with open arms, using it as a catalyst for self-discovery and new levels of self-awareness. Mostly, I have felt empowered by it. I feel authentic. I no longer feel ashamed of myself and because of that, I feel I can live more like my true self. I am allowing myself to be me, just the way I am, without negative judgment. And that is so freeing.

I know a lot of people say they feel like diagnosis makes them "act more autistic." I guess I can say a similar thing, in the sense that I am allowing myself to be naturally, quirky me. I no longer try to hide my stims. I accept them as needed and helpful, for the most part.

I "came out" at work, which has been both good and bad. Good because it has given me a way to fight for acceptance and bad in the sense there is still a lack of understanding of what it really means to be Autistic. However, I guess I can't accomplish everything in six short months. Still, there is hope for improvements and I don't regret doing it.

I have felt more empowered to stand up for myself and my family. I would have said I was always a strong person, but truthfully, I lacked certain skills when it came to dealing with my mom. I came to the realization that I was still doing things simply to "keep the peace" or make her happy at the expense of myself and my family. I finally found the courage to put my foot down. Case in point, normally I would have gone to her place for Easter dinner, not because that's what I want, but because it would be what *she* wants and I would suffer through it. She is just a very negative and controlling person and being around her makes me anxious a lot of the time. I refused to go, which of course made her angry, but she'll get over it. Instead of turning my life into chaos and bending over backwards to make it work for her, I've had a very relaxing weekend with my little family at home. That peace of mind is priceless.

I have become better able to let anxiety and other stressful emotions wash over me, rather than panic. I think understanding that my anxiety stemmed mostly from over-stimulation of the senses and learning to listen to and accept my limits, means that I am a much happier and calmer person. Before I didn't really understand what I was panicking about, which can be pretty scary. Now I am more aware of my sensory issues and finding ways to work with them. I accept that I can take time-outs for myself and I can find ways to recharge and cope. I no longer blame myself for what I previously perceived to be "failings" or "weakness."

On this day, which also happens to be my 13th handfasting anniversary, I think back to the vows we wrote for each other. One line was, "to delight in who you are becoming." We knew over time we would both change and we decided to accept that off the bat. I know my husband still delights in what I am becoming and I delight in his changes as well. But I can also say that I am also taking great delight in who I am becoming.

As I sit perched in my new hanging chair - which my husband worked hard to mount for me, knowing it would calm my sensory issues - I can't help but delight in the whole process of becoming more me. 

Autism Mom Vs. Autistic Mom

I've been doing a whole lot of reading lately and a lot of it is written by Autistic self-advocates. Some of it isn't really a revelation to me, being Autistic myself and all - and even without officially knowing my diagnosis until recently, I was already sensitive to certain things and had my own ideas about how I would raise my child. But other stuff I hadn't thought about - the language I was using and how.

I also have a special viewpoint (thought not unique seeing how Autism often runs in families) being both an Autistic mom and so-called Autism Mom (I'm not really sure about that term, so I'll have to think about it a bit more). But it's already easy to see very striking opposing viewpoints.

On the Autistic adult side, they write with a lot of anger, and for good reason, but it's still very raw and caustic (and triggering and hard to read at times). A lot of us have been abused by our own parents for being different...or just because our parents were abusive a-holes. A lot of us have been abused/bullied by peers, teachers, educators, counsellors - people trusted with our care. A lot of us have been harassed/bullied/excluded by society at large. So it's understandable there's a lot of anger. I get that. I've lived that. But I don't tend to use this particular blog to air that stuff. A lot of that stuff has been worked out through copious amounts of therapy and lots of writing and crying. That's not what this blog is for.

On the other side of the spectrum, no pun intended, are moms and dads who are neurotypical, but have Autistic kids. Some are doing a great job (and they should be acknowledged) and others are a complete mess, perpetuating abuse. I have issues with people looking for "cures" (there is no cure for Autism, unless you have a brain transplant and those aren't successful). There is no prevention other than abort your child or kill it. Or, hey, here's a crazy idea - if you want a "perfect" kid, you probably are having kids for the wrong reason and shouldn't.

I've written many times about acceptance. I stand in stark contrast to the "Autism Moms" for my refusal to do ABA or other "behaviour modification" training/enforcing/experimental abuse on my son. I don't force him to look at me; no one listens with their eyes, his ears work just fine. He is not broken. He is not to be "cured" because then I wouldn't have my son. But there's a lot of outside pressure because there's a whole lot of money to be made with these private companies who provide these services and prey on scared parents.

I get disgusted with NT parents saying things like (real quote), "I'm so happy I had a second child. She turned out fine and it was proof for me that my body is capable of making something normal." Fer real, girl?! And you posted that publicly for everyone to see and you have no shame? Shit like that just amazes me.

So I straddle these two worlds and it can be awkward. Over time, as I get more comfortable in my own skin concerning my new diagnosis, I think it will be easier to just be me.

All I really want for my son is to be happy. What I also really want is for him to have it easier than I did. I hope the world has changed a lot since I was a kid, but I'm still aware it hasn't changed enough yet. I want him to work on his weaknesses within reason, and not force him into something he's not. I want him to work hard on his talents and be the best he can be at whatever he's best at. I'm not so concerned on the how, or the when.

Awareness Vs Acceptance

I'm a Linguistics major. I love languages. I love the nuances of semantics. When I went for ASD testing and I told the psychologist what my major was, she said, "interesting!" Not all of us are polyglots and language geeks, but a great many Autistics enjoy the sounds of language and the precision of using the right word at the right time. I don't embellish - I use just enough precise words to get my point across, without any extra hidden meaning. If I say, "some," I really mean "some" and not "all" or "many." Neurotypicals misunderstand often because they don't understand the distinction between the two and have a tendency to infer emotion into things I never said.

All that to say, words and meaning are very important. I am happy to "fight the good fight" when it comes to advocacy, but I want to make sure I am fighting the right fight for me and my fellow Autistics.

One of those fights is the difference between "awareness" and "acceptance." Groups like Autism Speaks are interested in bringing "awareness" to autism, most often in a negative way - the numbers of diagnoses, and research for prevention and cures. They, and many other groups, want to bring awareness to their cause - if only you donate more money, autism can be eradicated!

I don't want to be cured or eradicated, thankyouverymuch, so I'm more interested in fighting for "acceptance."

I'm asking for societal acceptance of people who are different.
I'm asking for societal acceptance of people who think or move differently.
I'm asking for societal acceptance of people who may need assistance to complete daily tasks.
I'm asking for societal acceptance of people who may not speak.
I'm asking for societal acceptance of people who are Autistic.

We don't usually look all that different from you, but we sometimes stick out in odd ways. We may have ticks. We may communicate differently. Regardless, the major point is we're not HURTING anyone.

Feel free to stare, but don't try to change us.
Feel free to be confused, but don't try to cure us.
Feel free to misunderstand at times, but don't try to kill us.

Eventually, hopefully by the time my son is an adult, people won't be staring so much. People will see the person humming to themselves on the bus and not think any ill thoughts. Humming is not dangerous. Flapping is not dangerous. Smiles should not evoke fear in your heart. Spinning is not life-threatening. We are not contagious.


We don't need more awareness. You notice us. You see us everyday. What we need is acceptance.

I have a right on this earth just as much as you do. I choose every day to respect and accept the people around me. Please start accepting us for who we are.

Acceptance

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law:

When you realize your child is a little different from the others, there's a place you eventually have to get to called "Acceptance." It takes some people longer than others, but eventually you have to make peace with what is - the reality.

from whatyouhavealwaysknown.com

Not everyone in your circle of friends and family will get there at the same rate or ever in some cases. You also have to accept this.

I think there are many changes in people's life cycles that trigger this sort of stuff, but it's harder to deal with when the people you think you can count on most let you down.

I lost friends when I got married.
I lost friends when I started my own business.
I lost friends when my dad died.

It doesn't mean I'm a horrible person for living my life the way I want to, and dancing to the beat of my own drum. It means not everyone can handle the stress, or the changes. It says more about them than it does about you. It means they lack the faith (or will) that they have the strength to support you and are too embarrassed to admit that and ask how they can be of service. Or they're just too selfish. Or they have enough on their plate and can't deal. It doesn't really matter. The ones you need will stay.

Because with all these major life changes, you change. And if you stay authentic to the experience, you let it strengthen you instead of hurt you. It means you start to prioritize and make choices about who you will allow with you on your life's journey and who saps more energy from you. You set boundaries, you set goals, you stop taking any BS.

If it means you have to stop talking/cut ties, then do so, because as in the words of Sweet Brown, "ain't nobody got time for this!"

Acceptance is also about understanding that some people won't change. Acceptance means we no longer live in fear of rejection. We have confidence in ourselves and know we are on the right path. I accept that not everyone is on the same path and not always going to be on mine, but I trust the right ones will be there when I need them.

Don't walk ahead, I may not follow

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead

Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Money or Children

I recently read an article in the NY Times about people choosing not to have children for financial reasons solely. (Go ahead, read it and come back. I'll wait!)

Wanna know what I think? It's silly. I think it's a lame excuse, but it comes out of societal pressure. People who wish to be childfree find themselves having to explain themselves all the time. I don't think that's right.

One, being childfree or not wanting children is a personal and perfectly valid way to be. Society needs to accept these people as they are. They are not defective, wrong, abnormal, selfish (not any more than anyone else I know!) or any other derogatory thing people accuse them of. I've said it before and it applies to most situations in life, different is not wrong!

Telling people they will regret or change their mind is like telling a straight person they will enjoy kissing someone of the same sex if they just try it out once. I really do believe being childfree is just part of how some people are wired. I think nature intended it to be that way.

It is possible that someone will regret not having kids one day, but isn't it more of a problem if you regret having them when you weren't really into the idea in the first place? You're playing with lives here! It's not like you can just return kids like an item at the store. If you are undecided, it's better to err on the cautious side and not hurt anyone else in the process.

Anyway, my point is, if you really want kids, you will find a way. They're not really all that expensive, in my opinion. They don't need a lot of things and certainly not the most expensive of any item. In fact, I've even written before how babies save you money. If you are frugal and creative, you will come up with ways to have all the essentials. But it doesn't have to cost millions.

All this to say, I guess using money as an excuse has become socially more acceptable than just saying you don't want kids. This is good because it gives people and "out" from annoying situations, but bad because there is still work to be done for acceptance.

Autism Serenity Prayer

If you're having a rough day, come back and read this. Or print it out and stick it on your fridge. 

*Hugs* 

Some days are better than others! 

I Make No Excuses

It happens now and then that adults are introduced to my son and he reacts in a non-neurotypical way. He gets excited, he jumps, he flaps, he shrieks - he's happy. This does not bother me.

However, I can see the adults looking at me, searching my face for answers. I smile at him, I smile at them. They look at me, almost in a, "he's acting weird, doesn't she notice?" way.

I have thought about this pivotal moment many times and what I should say, if anything. I have thought of saying, "he's on the spectrum" and smiling, but then I wonder what that would really accomplish.

I also have to consider the fact that he can hear what I'm saying, that I'm making an explanation or excuse for his behaviour. What will he think of that?

Unless he is misbehaving (and by that I mean behaving badly, not behaving differently) I don't have a problem with what he does, even if it is "weird" or different. So I make no excuses.

If I am asked, I can explain. Otherwise, if I can accept him as he is, so can you.

While you were busy staring at my son wondering what was wrong with him, I was thinking the same thing about you and your manners.

I Don't Ask for Much From My Baby

We met the other speech therapist today. To sum up, in her educated opinion, our child is immature, spoiled and a late talker. She put it more diplomatically than that, but that's the gist of it. Because his play behaviour is so behind (she put him at behaving like a 15-18 month old - which I agree) she believes there is "something else" but not ASD, luckily.
Also, because of his persistence in walking with his arms up, hands often clenched, and general clumsiness, we're looking at mild Cerebral Palsy.

And just to be clear, because I think people probably bring too many of their own personal issues into these things when they read my reports/updates/speculations:

**I don't love my son any less. I don't think of him any differently. He does not become a disease, disability or label suddenly. I don't care what he has or doesn't have, nor do I care how it was caused (since I can't change or fix that now), I only really want to know so we can provide him with the best care and opportunities possible.**

Well-meaning people have already said too many stupid things to me - it's not about me worrying or wanting him to become a genius with three Ph.D.'s and find a cure for cancer. I'm not thinking that far. I want him to be as happy and healthy as possible now, so he can reach *his* full potential, whatever that is.

You have to remember, he is my fourth "baby." I gave up all that shit about expectations a long time ago. When he was born, I cried because I was so happy he was ALIVE. And that's still how I see my life with him.

He's alive.

I don't ask for very much from my baby.