We're Not As Divided As You Believe

Image of a man icon on a circular gradient chart with sections of varying shades of pink, with black text which says "a community divided?"

If you speak to a lot of parents of autistic people, you'll hear many excuses for why they don't listen to us as authorities of the autistic experience. Aside from the whole, "you're not like my child" (well no, we've grown up), I'd say the most common way to try to discredit us is by saying our community is divided.

And I'm going to jump in here as someone who's very active in the community and say NO. That is not the case. If you choose to believe that, you're just making excuses. 

If anything, you are the one creating a divide by not listening to the many of us who are speaking. It's also amazing to me how much energy many would rather spend trying to come up with excuses for not listening to us rather than just listening to us. 

When I speak to and meet other autistic people, I feel an instant connection. Not only that, but even if I don't agree with them 100%, I am totally able to see where they are coming from and why they think the way they do. (I can't say the same for dealing with NT people)

Do we argue amongst ourselves at times? Yes, we're human. Do we get very passionate in our debates? For sure! We are logical beings. We have feelings and emotions. We have a distinct need to be heard. Do we disagree on language? Sure, while most people prefer the term autistic, some people prefer to be called people with autism. No biggie. These are not major devisive issues.

By and large, do we agree that ABA is abusive? YES.
Do we have issues with Autism $peaks? Many of us do.
Do we want to be cured? Nope.
Do we believe in neurodiversity? Yes!

When it comes to big and important issues, we're much more cohesive and in agreement than many might think!

I see it as no different than the Deaf community - there are many for sign language and there are some for cochlear impacts and verbal communication. There's a whole overlap within there, but they are still a distinct culture. Do we discredit the needs of Deaf people simply because there is more than one way to be deaf or hard of hearing?
(Actually, I'm going to say society finds way to discredit pretty much any disabled experience, but I'm trying to make a point here.)

Look, the fact is, people can pick and choose what they want to hear and what advice they want to take, but do not discredit us as a whole, or tell us you just don't know who to listen to because you've heard more than two opinions. Get more opinions and listen to the majority - even if it's not what you want to hear.

We Have A Disabled Parking Pass For A Reason

We have a disabled parking pass for a reason - now stop giving us the stink-eye!

We've only had our disabled parking pass for a few months, but we've already noticed it causes people to stare at us (more than normally) and sometimes give us dirty looks.

I get it, none of us are elderly. None of us use a wheelchair or walking aids. None of us "look" disabled, whatever that may mean to most.

I went through the legal process to get one like anyone else. I paid the fee and had a doctor sign off on it. The government approved it and issued it. It's not like I found one on the black market.

I got it because every once and a while, the Little Man has a penchant for bolting. Ok, not really a penchant, but a tendency. It happens when he gets angry or upset usually. He's not an eloper or a wanderer. He's a runner.

He tends to do it when things are not going his way - and a common scenario for that would be when we quickly have to leave a store because he wants every shiny item in it and if we stay there, things will break (I've had that happen. Luckily, no one made me pay for damages!)

So then the next logical thing would be to exit the store and run away from me, usually into a parking lot. I think we can all agree this is not safe. So rather than having to drag a screaming, unpredictable, potential-bolter through a parking lot and hope for the best, we applied for a disabled parking pass so we would always have the closest parking to the door. Because I don't want my kid to get hit by a car.

I know I don't have to explain myself or justify myself to anyone (or at least, I shouldn't!) but I have to admit, being stared at or given the stink-eye by strangers is kinda annoying. I'm not writing this for people who understand not all disabilities are visible. I'm not writing this for people who get that everyone has a story. I'm not writing this for people who understand some parents will do anything and everything in their power to keep their kids safe.

I'm writing for those who don't think, or haven't ever considered the possibility, that disabled parking is not a privilege afforded, but a RIGHT to make sure disabled people, whatever their disability, have safe and easy access to every public place, just like anyone else.

I will keep taking him out - I will not hide him in my house in order to make other people more comfortable - and one day he will get to a point where he won't bolt. When that day comes, I will gratefully give up our disabled parking pass and be thankful there are systems in place that make sure we are treated with equality. 

Constantly Putting Out Fires

August has been a weird month for me. We don't have a bad life, so I can't complain, but do you ever feel like all sorts of curve balls just get thrown at you at once?

I had a really bad review at work, a first for me, and I think caused by really bad communication breakdowns/misunderstandings in a whole bunch of ways.

I am trying my best to bounce back from it, and for the most part think I understand the issues, I just wish someone was more open with me earlier. Or who knows? Maybe this was the kick in the ass I needed.

In this case, no big surprise, it's my deficits in communication that hold me back. I've come a long way, but there is still improvement to be made and I am doing my best.

Things were going well with the nanny, or so I thought, until they weren't so much and then she ran off completely - with one week left before school starts. Just coming out of bad eval at work and then having no child care for a week, isn't the best timing. Hubby and I have been taking turns staying home with him and trying to get work done, but this is about as easy as herding cats. It's also not fair to him to be stuck being bored all day, but there's no one else at such short notice.

On the plus side, the weather has been nice and I was able to drop off his school supplies ahead of time, which helped a lot. He was happy to see the school again and some of the teachers were in. It's such a small school and everyone knows him by name, so they stop to chat with him.

Hubby has been dealing with his own health issues (which is good), but it's also about finding a "new normal." As usual, I feel like whenever we settle into one thing, something else comes and changes up the routine again and it's like we're constantly putting out fires.

I think this school year will be better though. Last year this time I was terrified of the unknown. Now I am truly grateful he is in such a supportive school and looking forward to the routine and predictability again. 

The Magic of Inclusion

I am proud to say I grew up going to inclusion schools. My elementary school included two smaller "satellite" schools within it. One for physical and learning disabilities and one the Deaf. It was normal for our teachers to wear an FM transmitter when teaching, in order to help those with hearing aids. It was also normal to have children in wheelchairs and using adapted desks. One of the first things I got to learn in Kindergarten was how to lock and unlock the leg braces of one of my disabled friends and get him back into his chair in the case of a fire alarm. I was his "buddy" and it was my job to push him out of the building during fire drills. (Of course, I was not alone, the physiotherapist also came in right away to help, but I took my responsibility very seriously and with great pride :)

Inclusion word cloud in shape of a butterfly

In high school, the school integrated into ours was for those with learning and behaviour disabilities. Wherever possible, these students took classes with us. Art, music, gym - we were all together.

For whatever reason, even as a child and not knowing I was disabled myself, I always gravitated towards those who were different, disabled or outcast. My mom always told me I rooted "for the underdog." Maybe I felt an affinity. Maybe those were the only people who would accept my own differences. I don't know, but I am grateful for those who were brave enough to be friends with a "weirdo" like me.

So in this way, inclusion saved me because it allowed me to have friends. While we're more aware as a society these days, and more children are getting better diagnosed and earlier, I'm sure some are still falling through the cracks. Despite that, even as a child, we still know we're different. Others know we're different also and tend to shun or bully us. But when you have inclusion, there is more of a likelihood these children will have friends. It's also a higher likelihood that those who are not disabled will be better aware of disability, less likely to bully, and more compassionate. Kids who go to inclusive schools are not going to be the adults of tomorrow staring at disabled people and making snide comments.

~~~~~~~

I recently read about the Assertive Community Treatment model recently. A small town in Belgium integrates adults with mental illnesses into foster home-like long term living arrangements. It improves the health of those with special needs by making them feel like members of a family. They get a private room in a house and are less lonely, as a result.

As a mom, I wish we had a model like that here. After my husband and I are gone, I want the comfort of knowing my son will still have a "family" who cares about him. People he can lean on for support. Inclusion benefits all of society, whether you are disabled or not.

~~~~~~~

You can read more articles about the town of Geel, Beligum here and here.

You can read a chapter of a new book about how children benefit from inclusion here. 

Autism and Faceblindness

A fuzzy blurred out face to depict faceblindness

A lot of Autistic people are already socially awkward in general (like me!) but another aspect that some of us suffer from is faceblindness. This doesn’t mean we don’t see faces at all, it just often means we sometimes don’t recognize people we’ve met before. One thing I know I do, and studies have confirmed, is we often look at parts of faces rather than whole faces. A lot of the time I look at mouths and noses instead of eyes. It’s less stressful to look at eyes and looking at a mouth actually helps me understand what is being said. I’m not that bad at reading lips because of this.

I'm not sure if I suffer from faceblindness per se, but there are times I don’t initially recognize people. I can see someone and then doubt that I know them. Or if they look like someone else, I won’t be sure they are the right person. Staring in order to try to decipher this is not usually socially acceptable, so either I shy away and don’t say “hi,” or I say “hi” to people I don’t know. If I have made the wrong choice, then I can look like I’m ignoring someone I do know, or just really friendly and weird (because here in the big city, we don’t usually say hello to people we don’t know). Luckily, most people I have met before are quicker than me at recognition and will say hi first, but then it can take me a minute to place who they are.

At the same time, I can sometimes know I’ve met someone before and cannot for the life of me remember their name or where I met them. Then I sit there trying to figure out where I’ve met them. Other times I can totally remember names, but not the face. My facial recognition skills are totally unreliable and inconsistent. I may recognize people within the same context, like my office for example. If I see them outside of work, I may not.

I have inadvertently insulted many people by not immediately recognizing them or remembering where/when I met them. It’s a shame because we can get along and have a great conversation, but then I can accidentally ruin it when we meet again. I have spent evenings talking to people and when I get home, I see a friend request on Facebook and can’t for the life of me figure out who they are. It’s embarrassing. Maybe I should warn people up front that I have this problem so they hopefully won’t think I’m slighting them. I read Brad Pitt tried that, but no one believed him and they felt insulted anyway. Then again, I'm not Brad Pitt, so I may give it a try.


As with many things, it's best to give others the benefit of the doubt. It's not about you or an insult if someone doesn't recognize you, even if you've spoken many times.

Here’s the Wikipedia entry on faceblindness and here’s a little test you can do to see if you suffer from it.

Rachel At Risk

I went to see a play called Rachel At Risk Tuesday night. Here's the description of the play from their site:

Writer/Director Jesse Heffring worked with over fifty students, listening to their opinions, ideas and perspective on life, to create this eye opening play, "Rachel at Risk." It is a through-the-looking-glass journey into the world of youth, living with disability, in a world that does not understand them.

It was heavier than I expected and it's based on a true story. The play follows the lives of Rachel, who has an intellectual disability, and her Asperger's brother, Michael, who has cancer. They are stuck in the foster system and bounce around from home to home because of Rachel's anger management issues. She is very protective of her brother and the two of them stick together. The foster mother they get is not prepared to deal with a cancer-striken boy and wants to turn away this emergency placement. The reality of the shortage of foster homes available hits home and it demonstrates the incredible pressure social workers are under.

Together, the siblings end up at a special needs school and we get to learn about all the different classmates and their perspective on living with disability. They talk about whether they will earn high school diplomas, if they will work or collect welfare, and what's the point of even trying when society doesn't accept them. They even touched on the difficulties of living with parents who don't accept them as they are.

Rachel gets upset and runs away from the foster home. She ends up in a dangerous drug house and is exposed to a man who tries to use her naivity to turn her into a prostitute.

I don't want to give all the details of the story away, but this is just an example of the very heavy and mature subject matter these teens are dealing with.

Suffice to say, there wasn't a dry eye in the house after this performance. The kids did an amazing job! I'm also really impressed with the school.

As a bit of background, Summit School serves children/teens with intellectual, learning and behavioral disabilities from ages 4-21. They also have "satellite" schools, which means little mini-schools operate inside other mainstream schools. I went to a high school that had a Summit class within it, so these students were partially integrated. I was actually on an integration committee to help create a "buddy" system. I would say for the most part, that failed as a whole, but I know I at least enjoyed spending time with them. I went skiing with them and I remember one boy remarking, "you actually speak to me like I'm normal." Sad, but true.

If anything, seeing this play makes me want to send my son there for high school, because I see how much they really do believe in the kids reaching their full potential.

I'm not sure how long it's playing for, but if you're in Montreal, I recommend checking it out.

We All Need Help

You get up in the morning with to the sound of an alarm clock. The house is warm (or cool depending on how you like it) with the aid of programmed thermostats. Technology is wonderful and so useful. 

You make breakfast, or maybe someone left a smoothie or cup of coffee for you in the kitchen. Your house is clean because you had a maid in on the weekend. You take a shower and get dressed, listening to the news on the radio. Checking your cell phone, you can see the quickest way to work today would be to catch the bus at the corner. Some days, your co-worker sees you waiting at the stop and picks you up. You always appreciate the gesture and chip in a little for gas.

Lunch at work is being delivered by a catering company today, so you didn't make your own lunch. You get home from work and find your partner has a migraine, so you take over the evening routine and let them head to bed early. You know they would do the same for you. You make sure to prep the coffee maker for them for the next morning and make sure the car has enough gas in it for them to get to work. 

Sounds like a typical day, doesn't it? No one exists in a bubble without any help. Technology helps us get up and out the door. Friends, family members and co-workers help us get through our day in many ways. Are some forms of help more socially accepted than others?

We don't judge anyone for not getting a bus driving license and call them lazy or worse because they need to rely on someone else to drive a bus to get them to work. We also don't drive our own trains or fly our own planes (most of us, anyway), and that sort of aid is totally fine! Has anyone ever called you stupid for not being able to fly a plane?

We (typically) don't judge people who need house keepers to keep their house clean. We don't bat an eye when we have to order food from a restaurant instead of cook it ourselves. No one calls people weak or disabled or incapable for eating out. 

Yet, when a disabled person needs assistance for certain tasks, they are seen as weak, incapable, and even have functioning labels put on them (which I hate). If someone needs an aid to come to their house every morning, to get them out of bed, shower and dress them, they are seen as functioning at a lower level than the rest of us.

If a disabled person needs a cleaner to help with chores, they are seen as less than. If a non-disabled person hires a cleaner, they are seen as smart for making time for themselves and maybe even seen as somewhat affluent. Most of all, no one pities or chastises them for needing help. 

We need to think about the amount of help we all receive on a daily basis and we need to think about the judgements we make about others needing help. We all need help in different ways and at different times of our life we may need more. This does not reflect negatively on anyone's intelligence or capabilities. In many ways, help enables us to be more efficient, productive, organized and useful. Without help, we wouldn't get as far.

Optimizing My Workplace

In my on-going effort to come out and make my workplace as suited to my needs as possible, I wrote out a list of little details I think will help others interact with me and understand me better.

I'm not specifically asking for any accommodation. They know I can function within their parameters. But I'm essentially telling them this is how to optimize how I work.

Here's the list I gave them:

1.    I am not ignoring you. Rather, I am often deep in thought, even if I look like I’m staring into space. Because of this, I do not always catch the beginning of a question, greeting or statement. Don’t be shy to repeat what you said, wave or tap me on the shoulder to get my full attention. It’s not because I don’t want to interact. Give me a second to disengage from whatever it was I was doing, so I can properly tune in to you. Also, speak slower.

2.    I lack the awareness to know if I should join into a group or meeting, so I need to be specifically asked or invited to join. I often do not join in, not because I don’t want to, but because I cannot tell if my presence is wanted/welcome.
Because of the above, I may also leave a situation abruptly or earlier than others, without much social grace. Again, I don’t intend to be rude. I really am that clueless.

3.    I am very firm in my beliefs and can become very passionate about getting my points across.  This outburst of passion is not anger or irritation and not directed at anyone personally. I am capable of judging ideas and separating that from the character of a person. I can completely disagree with something you say and still respect you as a person. You’ll find that once I’ve chosen you to be my friend, I am very loyal.

4.    My facial expressions may not always reflect my actual emotions. I suffer from “Resting Bitch Face” probably. Smiles and nervous laughter can mask sadness and fear. Despite my often stern or serious look, I have a quick sense of humour, and I am silly and open-minded. Not much fazes me and because I enjoy researching different aspects of human life, I feel like I’ve seen it all. In general, I like to play Devil’s Advocate and try not to judge. When I am angry for real though, I don’t hide it and you will know.

5.    I like to talk about music, health and medicine, alternative health and diet, motherhood and children, languages and grammar, travel, and religions.
I am not at all well-versed in fashion or make-up.  I dislike watching movies, so I tend not to get references to those things. I do like watching TV series like The Amazing Race, Sherlock, Orange is the New Black, Locked Up…
I have a fascination with prison life and the criminal mind.

6.    I consider myself to be androgynous. I do not care for stereotypical gender roles. I love cooking, baking, canning, sewing, knitting and playing guitar. But I also enjoy fixing minor issues on my car, installing things like ceiling fans and lights, plumbing, and general home maintenance.

7.    I really like making lists.
 

Why I Don't Like Functioning Labels

"We are all different - but we share the same human spirit. Perhaps it's human nature that we adapt - and survive" -Stephen Hawking

Labels are always such a loaded subject. They can also become a divisive issue for all of us. "High-functioning" and "low-functioning" seem to be medical terms applied by lay people, often with either a sense of pride or a hope for pity and commiseration.

I see the word "function" as an action that does something, but that's it. A car can function without doors and windows. A car can function with a broken horn. It can even function without a working speedometer or lights. It can function with just the last dregs of gas left. A car can function, quite loudly albeit, without a muffler. How a car functions has no bearing on the comfort of the ride, the speed you get there, or its safety.

Similarly, a person's "functioning level"  has nothing to do with the quality of their life, their intelligence or capability to contribute to society. Functioning is decided by outside societal factors of what people deem "acceptable" or tasks that everyone should be able to do. Usually things like dressing oneself, feeding oneself, living independently. It's all relative and very similar the concept of "success." Success to one person might mean a large screen TV in a large house, with multiple fancy cars. Success to someone else might be a lifetime of nomadic travel with few possessions. Success to another might be a high school diploma and a job they are passionate about. Success to yet another may be staying home raising children.

I believe the concepts of both success and functioning should be up to the individual. If the person is happy, that's what matters. If being alive and sharing their presence with others is good for them, then so be it. Whether or not you can use the toilet independently has nothing to do with your level of intelligence. Whether or not you can speak, should have nothing to do with the work you can earn a living at, the art you can create or the volunteer time you can commit to helping others.

Let's take a look at Stephen Hawking, for example. He has a brilliant mind. He needs help to eat. He cannot walk. He can no longer speak. In fact, he needs assistance for all of his every day tasks. Despite this, he claims to be happy and is still publishing books. If you were to put a functioning label on his every day capability to complete even mundane tasks, it would be "low." If you put a functioning label on his book writing abilities and the insight he shares with the world, it would be "high." So how should this label be applied if it is to be applied fairly?

Or take a look at this study claiming even so-called "high functioning" Autistic people still struggle with life as an adult. Does high-functioning equal happy? Does it equal productive? What does it really mean?

What about people with MS? Some days they wake up with a good amount of energy to get through the day and a clear mind. Other days they wake up totally blind or with paralysis. Which label applies to them and when?

If high-functioning means I can feed myself, dress myself and use a toilet, is that all there is to life? If a person was considered "normal" and their functioning is reduced due to an accident or illness, is their life less worthy? Or of less value? Are their thoughts suddenly discounted?

As your grandparents aged and their bodies became unreliable, did you love them any less? Did what they have to say become useless? Were they just a waste of space?

There are people who are "high-functioning" - they can hold a conversation, use the toilet, feed themselves and such, but they are in prison for murder, and thus, not contributing to society. Does a function label really matter?

I've left a lot of open-ended questions so people can answer them for themselves. I won't be using functioning labels, however. Not for me, not for my son or anyone else. There have been episodes in my life where I was truly low-functioning. It's important to remember that functioning can change over time, and even from day to day and minute to minute. Functioning is not the be-all and end-all of life. There's so much more to life than just functioning. 

Thank Goodness For Advocacy

The great thing I noticed from reading Autistic self-advocates is how open minded they are and how they (we) consider issues of equality in all ways. In other words, these people are not just fighting for their own rights, but also for everyone's. You'll see essays against racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, ageism, and pretty much any other -ism out there.

That's pretty much how I live my life, and in the same vein, how I run this blog. It's always been the way I've thought - justice for all - and I wonder if it's just a facet of how a very logical Autistic brain works or maybe the open mindedness is one of our traits.

I've always played Devil's advocate and try to understand both sides of a story. I've always made friends with the underdogs and people no one else wanted to be friends with. Maybe because I related to them or because they just accepted me for who I am. 

 It doesn't really matter, I'm just impressed and grateful.

So I'd like to say thanks to all of those who fight daily against injustice. Your passion, energy and devotion are commendable. Because of you dedicated people, we all benefit. Thank you for standing up and speaking for those of us who cannot, for whatever reason.

Thank you to everyone who reads and learns more about all issues. We don't always have to agree, but a simple, "I hear you and you matter" make all the difference.

Thank you to all those who have opened their eyes to a new way of thinking and changed any harmful or negative beliefs or actions. Whether it's something like not using the r-word or not engaging in abusive behaviour, what matters is that you are moving forward in a new light and trying to be a better person. Don't be too hard on yourself for past mistakes.

Lastly, I'm so grateful this community exists. I've gotten to know so many amazing people and learned so much. Thank you!

Disability Fairs and Support

Two of my co-workers have Autistic sons and both of their sons are in my son's class. (On another interesting note, Hubby's co-worker's son is also in our class. Hmmmm. Makes you wonder about the IT sector a little!)

Anyway, I am open about my Autism and SPD with the female co-worker. We'll call her Nikki. Last week, our fine city's annual disability fair was held at a location right next to our office, so went together over our lunch break.

While we have slightly different approaches to parenting our sons, for the most part we agree on a lot of things. So it was fun to go up to different exhibitors together and run miles away from others. 

Everything was good and we were picking up pamphlets happily until we came upon the Autism Speaks table. We look at each other and say, "oh gods, no! Get away!" and scamper over to another table. But I stop her and say, "do you think I should go talk to them? Just ask them why they don't have any Autistics on their board?"

"No, Kelly! Don't do it! Don't get yourself all worked up! We don't have a lot of time!"

"but...but..."

"No..." and then she adds, "you know, I don't notice your Autism much, but at times like these, that's when it comes out!" and we laughed about it. Yes, I am stubborn and opinionated. 

But she has the tact and calmness to keep me calm and convince me now is not the time. I figure I might go back after work without her.

So we continue along, meeting companies. Then we see hyperbaric oxygen chamber therapy. I had warned her about it since they were there last year. You know, they have this study, which was made by their clinic, which showed no real significant long term improvement, but they continue to make money off parents grasping at straws for a treatment. Run, run, run! Ooouf, some sort of magnetic ionic something or other machine? What? Who? Woo?

And then there was the dolphin swim, which costs like, 5 million dollars. I have no doubt swimming with dolphins could be fun. It's something I always wanted to do as a kid. I had a "dolphin encounter experience" as an adult while on vacation in the Bahamas and yes, it was cool. But I've also since learned more about not using wild animals for our benefit and I don't think it's fair to keep them in captivity. I also don't think people should feel like they need to spend thousands of dollars on it. But hey, it's not my money.

On the plus side, I found some very cool OT swings I could outfit my home with and I also found an OT for myself! It's also really nice to go to an event like this with someone and run from the same exhibitors. 

On the way out, I thought to talk to Autism Speaks again and Nikki talked me down again. I did not go back after work. I wasn't in the mood to argue.

Disabled Puppy Learns to Walk

If you are down or feeling like it's time to give up, hopefully this video will perk you up.

 It just shows that when people have the support of patient and dedicated therapists, with time and determination, they can achieve a lot.

When Helping Doesn't Help

I read this great article that touches on what I call, "when helping doesn't help." It's about those moments (or complete events) where people genuinely have good intentions but fall short because of a lack of understanding.
It comes from a place of making assumptions, rather than just asking the right people questions. In this case, the article is talking about when Six Degrees created a "day of silence" because some people don't have a choice. It's supposed to give people insight into how some non-verbal people live with autism. But it's a lot like those 24 hour "famines" or "homelessness" experiments. Two hours or even 24 hours is not enough time to get to understand what a person feels like. You always know in the end that there is an end to whatever "trial" you are going through. Not only that, but these experiments often take place in a group setting, where support and community get you through the "tough time." Most people who are really suffering do so all alone.

How about getting rejected for a job you are capable of doing and really want, but you can't or don't speak traditionally? How about then living in poverty because, while you have skills, no one wants to hire you? How about being relentlessly teased and excluded for your whole childhood? A cute little experiment doesn't give you that insight.

It happens not only with disability and class issues, but also race. I can think of times where someone invited me to dinner and said, "I bought/made this for you because I thought you would like it," with the implication that because of my colour or culture, I would automatically like it. While it's a nice gesture, it's also unfortunately misguided. Assuming what I need/like/do based on my appearance means you haven't really bothered to get to know me. I remember being chastised about the fact I get sea sick even though my father comes from an island. How those things are related is beyond me!

Imagine if I brought a jar of mayonnaise to all dinner parties with white people because I heard they like it....

The solution for all this is JUST ASK. If you want to help someone, the best person to ask about what they need is the person you want to help. 

Unless you are planning a surprise party, simply asking, "how can I best help you? What do you really need?" and then trying to achieve that is the best anyone can ask for. Do not think it is not worthy if you find it small/easy/insignificant. It might be easy for you and very hard for someone else. In which case, get your ego out of the way as quickly as possible and do what you are able to do. You might be surprised how genuinely appreciated it is.

EDIT: I also just found this article with more great ways to help.

DisAbility - There Must Be An App For That

The Little Man got approved for the Disability Tax Credit, much to both my surprise and joy. He qualifies until 2027. This also means we can open a Registered Disability Savings Plan. We're also allowed to claim as of 2010, so we'd have to resubmit our taxes.

Still haven't heard from QC (not surprised) to see if we are entitled to the Disability Supplement. It would be weird if Canada approved and QC did not, but weirder things have been known to happen. Anyway, it should help because therapy is stupid expensive. It's just weird that the CLSC didn't deem him disabled enough for free services, but the government does. Everyone is reading the SAME report! But whatever. I can't complain. Just have to keep truckin'.

Anyway, I got a 3rd call from an "autism company" - for lack of a better term - these people who like trying to make money off of worried/stressed out/desperate parents. They create these special "programs" off the top of their heads and then try to tell you they're the best. My fault for the initial inquiry I made, but now she keeps calling me. If I wanted her services, I would have called back, no? She was actually still in the running until this last call where she clarified that a speech therapist does NOT in fact work with the child, an "interventionist" does. This interventionist of hers has a degree in Social Science. She does not have a degree in Speech Language Pathology. I was told this was an advantage because it "saves you money!" No, it's not. I explained that I'm happy to save money by buying cheap socks, but speech therapy is not something I want to skimp on. Really lady? And what the fuck does a social science major know about autism?
Next!

I'm like 99% sure he's got apraxia. I got an iPad and downloaded like, 3 million free "autism apps" and he's having fun with them. Visual focus is not an issue for him, but active listening can be. Although, I should compare him with neurotypical 3 year olds for that; he's probably not out of the ordinary. He understands everything. It really only seems to be a production issue. I'm gonna look and see if there's an app for that! LOL

He's a week away from his 3rd birthday, which blows my mind. Time flies! It feels like just yesterday his little bald head lay next to me in bed in a puddle of my milk.
He's so lovely. He's like, magical or something. I can't explain it. He just speaks to my soul.

I Don't Ask for Much From My Baby

We met the other speech therapist today. To sum up, in her educated opinion, our child is immature, spoiled and a late talker. She put it more diplomatically than that, but that's the gist of it. Because his play behaviour is so behind (she put him at behaving like a 15-18 month old - which I agree) she believes there is "something else" but not ASD, luckily.
Also, because of his persistence in walking with his arms up, hands often clenched, and general clumsiness, we're looking at mild Cerebral Palsy.

And just to be clear, because I think people probably bring too many of their own personal issues into these things when they read my reports/updates/speculations:

**I don't love my son any less. I don't think of him any differently. He does not become a disease, disability or label suddenly. I don't care what he has or doesn't have, nor do I care how it was caused (since I can't change or fix that now), I only really want to know so we can provide him with the best care and opportunities possible.**

Well-meaning people have already said too many stupid things to me - it's not about me worrying or wanting him to become a genius with three Ph.D.'s and find a cure for cancer. I'm not thinking that far. I want him to be as happy and healthy as possible now, so he can reach *his* full potential, whatever that is.

You have to remember, he is my fourth "baby." I gave up all that shit about expectations a long time ago. When he was born, I cried because I was so happy he was ALIVE. And that's still how I see my life with him.

He's alive.

I don't ask for very much from my baby.