Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

It seems a lot of things are commemorated in October. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, but October 15th is the actual date. If you visit the link, they encourage everyone to light a candle at 7pm and create a wave of light.

Four Pictos of women, three pink and one black with text that says, "1 in 4 is not just a statistic. It's me. Speak out about pregnancy loss. 

I think it can be a time to acknowledge the difficulties some people have. I think it's a good time to share our stories and say the names of our lost children out loud. So many people suffer in silence because they don't feel they are allowed to grieve and talk about it.

I've written many times here about miscarriage and I want people to keep talking so that they know they're not alone.

Not only should we let others know they are not alone, we need to change the dialogue about the value of women. There are so many ways to mother without giving birth. The ability to get pregnant has no bearing on your value as a person. Too often people blame themselves and say they are "broken," "not meant to be mothers," or "not womanly enough." That's simply not true.

We shouldn't be taught that motherhood defines our worth. When we get rid of that rhetoric, we can have more equality of the sexes, as well as more respect for the childfree.

When we allow our vision of what motherhood is to expand and see the many forms it can take, our children benefit as well.

So as we mourn our losses, let's see what we can do to lighten the burden for everyone:

1) Stop teaching young women that their worth is tied up in their ability to reproduce
2) Stop making judgement calls on the characters of those who choose to be childfree
3) Make space for everyone (women and men!) to grieve their pregnancy and infant losses freely

Share your stories. Say their names. You are not alone. 

We remember the babies born sleeping, those we carried but never held, those we held but could not take home, those who came home but could not stay.

What Does Miscarriage Feel Like?

This post has been in my brain and my heart for YEARS, but never committed to writing. Not because I don't want to write it - I actually have no problem answering the question when someone asks - but I guess it's never easy to just put it all out there. So I start with this warning: while miscarriage is not and should not be a taboo or shameful subject, it still doesn't make it a fun or easy subject to talk about (at least not for me). So be gentle and patient with me as I try.

I'm writing this to be informative for people who need it. When I was going through my first miscarriage, I had no idea what to expect. I searched the internet for some sort of idea and only found a few places with scattered bits of info. So I will try to detail MY experiences and if it helps someone, I've done my job. I can't speak for all, only MY experiences.

If you've read about me or about us, you'll know I've had three miscarriages. My mother had two. They were caused by chromosomal abnormalities. We know this because of genetic testing. However, I did not have this information until after my third miscarriage. It took a lot of begging and pleading to find a doctor willing to give me answers. In sum, I suffer from what's called "secondary infertility;" I have no problems getting pregnant, I have problems staying pregnant.

After three miscarriages, I consider myself a bit of an expert, though it's not really something I'd like to be an expert in. I've had many different doctors, with many different approaches and bad bedside manners. I've had people say amazingly stupid things, which I may or may not go into detail about here.
What I truly hope is that if you are going through this right now, you find the strength to advocate for what you want and need during this process. So I hope sharing my experiences can give you some ideas on how to do that or avoid certain undesirable situations.

The number one thing I want everyone to do before anything else: PLEASE, please, please DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! When you think about the miracle of life (and it really is a miracle) so many things happen so fast. Your body is working to create something so complex - the amount of precision required is just mind-blowing. Of course things can go wrong! Like an orchestra playing a masterpiece, it will not be perfect every time. This is not a reflection of you or your partner. It does not mean you are incapable. It means the clarinet player hit a wrong note, and I bet you no one in the audience noticed. Sometimes the rest of the orchestra keeps playing and the song that comes out is not perfect, but it's still great. Other times the clarinet player throws off the flute player, who messes up the bassoon and the song has to stop. But that doesn't mean the conductor is a bad person or did something wrong. Maybe a fly landed on the nose of the clarinet player. Something totally out of anyone's control! Don't blame yourself.

So on to physical symptoms: in my case, my regular period cramps actually feel like labour, they are that bad. In contrast, I prefer miscarriages because they were never very painful for me. The cramping I got from them did not require painkillers. I've had miscarriages on planes and while at work, and they never stopped me. Only the emotional part was a bother, not the physical. With the exception of the first one where I was very scared and nauseated, I actually wish my regular periods were as painless as miscarriages.

In terms of amount of blood, not significantly more than a heavy period, though perhaps more clotting and different colours of tissue than you may be used to seeing. You may or may not see the egg sac (like a little bubble), but I can almost guarantee, if it's an early miscarriage, you will NOT see a fully-formed baby. (I know a lot of pro-life sites like to scare people with that, but they take late miscarriages and pass them off as early (before 12 weeks), which is really a mean thing to do!) Regardless of what you see coming out, what you choose to do with the tissue is your own business. If you think it will help to keep it and plant a tree, so be it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you want to take pictures, more power to you. Or if you don't want to look at all and have your partner flush the toilet for you, go ahead. Do what YOU need to do to heal.

Also, I've always opted for minimal intervention and letting nature take its course. In other words, I never had a D&C or took an aborticant. This means while I knew my embryo was dead in some cases, I waited for my body to expel it. All my miscarriages were early enough that waiting was not a danger. While the first two were relatively quick, my last one took a whole 10 days from when I knew it was dead to come out. Waiting is annoying, to say the least. You can continue to experience pregnancy symptoms while carrying a dead embryo. Also just walking around knowing you are carrying around a dead embryo can be really disturbing. For me, it was impossible to get closure until I knew it was out.

It is also totally normal to start bleeding, then stop, then start again. Know that this can go on for weeks. Once you stop bleeding completely, you can expect your normal period to start again in 4-8 weeks, give or take. Every body is different.

The emotional side is a whole other ball game. You can experience post-partum depression after a miscarriage. Talk to your doctor about that. Depending on where you are, you may also be able to claim short-term disability benefits. (I did for my first one through my insurance because I was really too upset and I worked in a really nosy office at the time.) The first miscarriage truly tore me apart and people can say amazingly heartless things. It's not something I would wish upon anyone.

Still, you can get through it with time. It will never be perfect. If you do get pregnant again, you will probably be very fearful of losing it. I know I was! What helped me was talking to others who had miscarriages - either online or in person. You may not know it, but you know someone right now who has had one. If you disclose it, EVERYONE will tell you they themselves have had one or know someone who has. Miscarriage is VERY common, just not openly talked about.

In terms of healing, you can grieve in whatever way you see fit. I opted to take really good care of myself and was very gentle with myself. I bought myself roses and took rose petal baths. I named my "angel" babies. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with them, due dates and death dates. I had a baby book for the first one. I believe that if there is a "heaven" that my father is with them - though I don't think my dead father's idea of a good time would be hanging out with three babies, let's pretend they are old enough to care for themselves and they're all having a party. It's a sweet thought that still makes me cry and it's been over 5 years. It never goes away, but you go on.

They were potential children who are so loved and so wanted, but never held in my arms. But if anything came from the heartache, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be a mom and I'm always so grateful for the one I do get to hug everyday.

That's about all I get out today without becoming a heaping mess of tears. *hugs*

Why We Didn't Get Tested

While the special needs of our sons are different, we share a lot in common with the author of this article concerning why we chose NOT to have prenatal genetic testing.

I'm not sure I've written much about our choices publicly before. At the time, the emotions were very raw and I was tired of being judged. But it's been a few years now, so here goes!

I was pretty distraught after our first miscarriage. I tried to get someone to do some tests, but no one would bother after just one miscarriage. By the time we had three, I finally got a doctor on our side - we ended up at a private clinic and had genetic testing done. We were sent to a genetic counselor to break the news - we both had genetic abnormalities and the likelihood of us having a live birth was around 25%. With that also carried a chance of a developmental delay (unspecified) of around 5-10%.

I got that news right before my 28th birthday. I was pretty upset. I wasn't sure at that point that I wanted to try again. Overwhelmed with the news and caring for my ailing father at the same time, I booked a two-week solo trip to England and Morocco and decided I would deal with life when I returned.

I came back with a new perspective. I got pregnant a month later.

When that embryo seemed to be sticking, we were offered all sorts of testing. At first it was gentle prodding, so that we could make an "educated" decision to terminate early. One doctor refused to take me as a patient because I was refusing an amnio. I left that office crying, feeling like I was being accused of carrying a genetic mutant and not a child.

I had to explain over and over what a privilege I felt it was to be carrying any child at all and I truly did not care what was potentially "wrong" with it. I had tried long enough to get pregnant, I wasn't about to throw it away! My belief is that all children come with challenges; no child is perfect, no child grows up and does EXACTLY what their parents want them to do. Such is life. If you cannot accept imperfection in humans, then maybe you should not have children.

We still had a lot of testing done in the form of ultrasounds, but not for the purpose of abortion. They searched high and low for any organ malformations. They kept their eyes on the brain, the kidneys and heart. They found nothing wrong.

In the end the embryo that stuck around became Little Man and he may have some issues, but he's damn near perfect to me. I believe he's been sent to us for a purpose - we all have a purpose - and he makes me a better person.

Fostering Family Planning

When I was around five, my mom, sister and I were having a conversation about growing up. I think my sister said she was going to be a lawyer and never get married or have kids (she never changed her mind about the last two, but she changed her mind about being a lawyer).

I said I was going to marry, "a white man with a moustache and have 10 kids!" My mom laughed and told me I didn't have to do any of that, but I assured her I would.

I did marry a white man who had a moustache at the time. I'm still working on the 10 kids part.

If you read our About Us page, you'll know I have a 75% miscarriage rate, so getting and staying pregnant is not easy for me.

Us in Vegas after our vow renewal ceremony. I was in the process of miscarrying our second baby.

So we've had three angel babies, the Little Man was my fourth pregnancy and I recently signed up to be a foster parent with Plan Canada. I received the picture of a little boy in El Salvador named Anderson. I hope to foster him til he's 18 and visit him one day, so I consider him my 5th child.

So where are the other five going to come from? LOL

Ok, I don't necessarily need five more kids, but I still think there's room in my heart.

We still ain't no Duggar family!

Sometime last year,  we attended fostering info sessions. I started filling out the long application after that. Hubby was not so enthused, and I didn't want to rush into anything. Then he came around and starting filling out his part and now I'm not so sure. Mostly because we're still trying to establish therapy for the Little Man. We're not even sure where we're going to live next year! I've been at my company only five months now and we may move closer to our workplaces and a special school for the Little Man. I feel like there are a lot of unknowns. While I know nothing is ever guaranteed and there's no perfect time to have a kid, there are probably some times that are still a little better than others.

If I didn't often feel so overwhelmed with the uncertainty and preoccupied arranging therapies/visits/follow up phone calls, it would make it easier to add another child to the mix. But I think I'm taxed out right now. There's not a day that goes by I'm not getting on someone's case about my son's file (you have to be or you'll never hear back!) or filling out an application or talking to insurance - it's just too much. I can't imagine doing that with TWO!

But there is still love to give and I really want the Little Man to have a sibling, so it will happen one day and maybe not in the way I expect. You just never know.