For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Silenced

I don't need to give you a reason

Stop touching me
Stop talking to me
Stop hurting me
Stop hugging me
Stop kissing me

I don't have to tell you why I don't like it

Stop looking at me
Stop invading my space
Stop asking me questions
Stop calling me names
Stop disrespecting me

I don't care if you don't understand
I don't care if you feel hurt
I don't care if other people like it
I don't care if you think I'm too sensitive
I don't care if you think I like it
I don't care if you didn't hear me the first time

My body is mine
My life is mine
Only I get to decide what to do with it. 

You Can Get Angry Without Shaming

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of childhood verbal abuse and a video with mature language imbedded

I've written about expressions of anger and frustration before. Rather than qualifying emotions, I simply feel that all emotions need to be expressed and released. Sometimes they need to be shared and sometimes that is beneficial. I also believe, however, that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express one's emotions. My basic belief is "if it harms no one, including yourself, it's probably appropriate."

 This means you can hit pillows when angry (since you probably won't hurt your own hands), you can throw ice cubes at the tiles around the bathtub and watch them explode. (Make more ice cubes for others after or buy a bag of ice specifically for this.) You can scream into a pillow. You can go for a run around the block. You can smash Play-Doh in your hands. You can call a friend. There are so many options to let emotions out.

As parents, we need to give our children options for releasing their emotions, rather than forcing them to keep them inside. We need to show them appropriate ways they can calm down and self-regulate. We need to set the example for how we want them to express themselves in healthy ways. This means as parents and the adult role-model in the situation, we need to watch our own anger issues. 

No one is expecting parents to never get angry. We deal with so many stresses all the time, little things can tip us over the edge. But as adults, we can behave better than children. We have the power to choose how we will react. In any situation, you can react with calmness and empathy for your child, or you can react with contempt, negativity and shaming.

For example, a child can accidentally spill their milk all over the table. In that split second as you see the milk spilling all over the table and the floor, you can say, "why did you do that? I told you to be careful! What's wrong with you? You're so clumsy!"

Or you can say, "oh dear, look at this accident! It's a mess and we'll have to clean it up together."

One teaches the child that there's something wrong with their character and they are inherently flawed. It may also teach the child that your love is conditional on perfect behaviour. The other teaches your child that mistakes happen and that they have to take responsibility for their actions (by cleaning up to the best of their ability) to correct the problem they caused. It makes no statement on their character or value as a person. It just means there is an effect to their actions on the world and they have an opportunity to fix problems as they arise. 

So when I saw this video on YouTube, I not only thought it was funny, but an example of a wonderful relationship between a father and son. One, the son felt safe enough with his father that he knew he could prank him like this. But also, listen to the choice of words the father uses to express his disappointment. He's able to express that disappointment without expressing judgement on his son's character or value. While he does use colourful words (you've been warned about his language), he still sticks to the facts of the problem - it is costly to retake the test and he fears if he has to go again that he will be failed again. At no point does he call his son a name (although he does suggest his son should have used his charm to "sweeten up" the testing agent).

Again, as a parent, you have a choice: react with love and compassion or react with hatred and contempt. How do you want your children to feel about you in the long run? How do you want your children to feel about themselves? Do you want a close relationship with your children or do you not care if you're alone in old age?
I'm not making up extremes. I know of what I speak. I was the kid who was called "stupid" and "idiot" for simple mistakes. What do you think that did to my self-esteem? What do you think my relationship with my mother is like now?

Take heart - if you are not reacting with love now, you still have time to change. You can still repair some damage. It means you will have to take responsibility for the mistakes you made. It means you will have to apologize to your child for all the times you messed up. It's not too late to try. You have a choice. 

The Mama's Mom

TRIGGER WARNING: Parental abuse

I alluded to issues with my mother in my annual year in review post, but I didn't take time to write about it for a few reasons. 1) I'm so over it, and 2) I actually took off to San Francisco on a mini-solo-vacation, so I just didn't have time to spare over such stupidities.

Now I guess I'm ready and willing, and I think it might actually help to share, so here goes.

My mother has admitted to not having a maternal side (which always makes me wonder why she had children) and spent most of my childhood being manipulative and calling me, "stupid" or "idiot" (those were her favorites) at least daily. Essentially, I could do absolutely nothing right. I dreaded her coming home from work, where she would go through the house and find everything wrong with it. If the windows were open, ("who's the idiot who opened the windows?") she would close them. The next day, in an effort to please her, I would close the windows, only to have her come home and yell about them being closed and then open them. I walked on eggshells constantly. (Which is what led to my anxiety, hypervigilance and later PTSD diagnosis, which stayed with me even after moving out.)

To be fair, my father was abusive in his own way, but not quite as bad. I also think there's something that hurts even deeper when it's your mother who is abusive. I ran to my dad for comfort and understanding. Now that he is dead, I do not feel I have a loving parent I can go to for comfort and love, which made the death of my father that much worse.

All this to say, I was scared when my son was born that my mother would continue to heap her shit upon my child and I was deadset on making sure that did not happen. I was powerless as a child to escape, but as an adult, I have the freedom to avoid the toxicity and also keep my own child away from harm. I originally did not want my mother to have a relationship with my son at all, but my sister convinced me otherwise. She believed it should be their relationship to nurture and that my son would resent me if I did not allow him to have a relationship with his grandmother.

So I kept an eye on things and to my surprise, my mom was mostly good. Not great, but not horrible and certainly not abusive. But slowly, little old habits of hers started to show themselves. However, she never SAID anything abusive, so I let her babysit him and he seemed to like her.

Until Christmas dinner.

The Little Man was already stressed to be at her place. We sat at the table, which is very stressful for him, but I did it to make her happy. Looking back, I should not have tried to make her happy, since that always fails anyway. I should have prioritized making my son happy. I take ownership of that mistake and I will not make it again.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, he was not coping well with the stress and she decided the best thing to do to make him comply was to start shaming and insulting him. (Because that's a great parenting technique, right?) In which case, I shut that down.
You know, I don't always stand up for myself, but I will sure as hell stand up for my son.

So we left and my mom cried and got upset and I actually didn't feel bad. I didn't really feel anything. It felt like the same old record started playing again and I'm so tired of hearing the same old song.
And I could easily predict what would happen next. She would contact me and say, "I love you" because that's what she always did. She would yell at me and call me names and then about 30 minutes later, come and tell me she loved me. Always. Like clockwork.
No apologies.

Guess what? A few days later I received the "I love you" via text and an offer to talk. I did not respond. There is nothing to talk about. Unless she wants to apologize (and even then) there is nothing to say. Nothing will change until hell freezes over.

And so I have not spoken to her. We have emailed over trivial things since then, but I have nothing to say. And the Little Man does not want to see her. If and when he does, we will deal with an arrangement then, but she will not be able to be with him unsupervised. She lost that privilege.

As for the Little Man, I came home from that dinner and did damage control the best I could. I sat him down and I apologized to him for arguing in front of him. I told him none of it was his fault and it had nothing to do with him. I told him he is perfect and loved and wonderful just the way he is. That's the best I could do and I don't want to have to do it ever again.