We're Not As Divided As You Believe

Image of a man icon on a circular gradient chart with sections of varying shades of pink, with black text which says "a community divided?"

If you speak to a lot of parents of autistic people, you'll hear many excuses for why they don't listen to us as authorities of the autistic experience. Aside from the whole, "you're not like my child" (well no, we've grown up), I'd say the most common way to try to discredit us is by saying our community is divided.

And I'm going to jump in here as someone who's very active in the community and say NO. That is not the case. If you choose to believe that, you're just making excuses. 

If anything, you are the one creating a divide by not listening to the many of us who are speaking. It's also amazing to me how much energy many would rather spend trying to come up with excuses for not listening to us rather than just listening to us. 

When I speak to and meet other autistic people, I feel an instant connection. Not only that, but even if I don't agree with them 100%, I am totally able to see where they are coming from and why they think the way they do. (I can't say the same for dealing with NT people)

Do we argue amongst ourselves at times? Yes, we're human. Do we get very passionate in our debates? For sure! We are logical beings. We have feelings and emotions. We have a distinct need to be heard. Do we disagree on language? Sure, while most people prefer the term autistic, some people prefer to be called people with autism. No biggie. These are not major devisive issues.

By and large, do we agree that ABA is abusive? YES.
Do we have issues with Autism $peaks? Many of us do.
Do we want to be cured? Nope.
Do we believe in neurodiversity? Yes!

When it comes to big and important issues, we're much more cohesive and in agreement than many might think!

I see it as no different than the Deaf community - there are many for sign language and there are some for cochlear impacts and verbal communication. There's a whole overlap within there, but they are still a distinct culture. Do we discredit the needs of Deaf people simply because there is more than one way to be deaf or hard of hearing?
(Actually, I'm going to say society finds way to discredit pretty much any disabled experience, but I'm trying to make a point here.)

Look, the fact is, people can pick and choose what they want to hear and what advice they want to take, but do not discredit us as a whole, or tell us you just don't know who to listen to because you've heard more than two opinions. Get more opinions and listen to the majority - even if it's not what you want to hear.

Not All Opinions Are Equal

In another form of tone policing lives the statement: we all need to come together, get along, and all opinions should be respected.

Actually no. All opinions do not need to be respected. Not all opinions are equal.

You might have the opinion that killing kittens on the weekend is totally acceptable. I am under absolutely no obligation to respect your opinion. Just as much as you have a right to kill kittens, I have a right to tell you I think you're wrong. I am under no obligation to "get along" with you just because we also both happen to like the colour red. I am under no obligation to respect the fact you do it in the privacy of your home. All I can do, is report it to law officials and let them decide, but other than that, I don't need to respect your actions.

Similarly, some opinions are just wrong. I do not have to respect opinions that don't make any scientific sense. I don't have to respect people who shove bleach up their kid's ass because they think it will cure autism. Actually, I think that's child abuse, so no, I will not respect that.

I'm not really sure where this idea of "respecting" opinions comes from. I can agree to disagree with you and move on, but I have no need or desire to respect you or your opinions. Of course, you are free to do the same with me.

When we're talking about a divided community, no, I will not unite with people I can't respect. Especially ones who do harm. I, quite frankly, don't want you on my team or trying to represent me. Because you don't. We have about as much in common as a snail and a car transmission.

When it comes to the autism community, the ones who get the biggest share of the voice pie are actually Autistic people. Then come allies. I don't have to listen to the input of allies, but allies should for sure listen to mine. It's not fair, you say? Well, life isn't fair, is it? I get to be in charge of my story and that narrative, and if you want to help, the best thing you can do is to listen and repeat it. That's it! Your job is complete!

You don't get to change the story or tell me to edit my tone or delivery of it. You also don't get to blame me for dividing the community because you hear something you don't like. Either you're an ally, you're or not. If you no longer agree with the story, you don't have to keep reading it or repeating it. And none of that is my fault. You're in charge of what you do and I'm in charge of what I do.

The autism community is not divided, you just don't happen to agree with some parts of it, but the vast majority of us agree on the major points and either you're with us, or you're not.