Special Ed or Mainstream?

I've seen this question a lot: if special ed is recommended, do you do that or try a mainstream class, maybe with a shadow?

My opinion is based on my own experiences and the way the system works here. Your system may be very different.

The way I see it, is if I get a referral or a service is offered, I usually take it. Because (here, at least) waiting lists are often long and there's always a pile of paperwork and bureaucracy to wade through. When an opening comes, I usually jump at it!

Also know that referrals aren't given freely to just anyone. Most likely, if a doctor or other professional is recommending something, it's because you really need it. (Again, here our health care is subsidized, so doctor's don't get any benefits/compensation for referrals. If anything, they try *not* to give referrals or burden the system unnecessarily.)

It's also helpful to not think of any recommendation as the way something has to be forever. In other words, just because your child needs special ed now does not mean they will be in special ed FOREVER. Even that is not a bad thing!

One of my favourite mottos is "temporary discomfort for permanent improvement." I believe in working with and supporting a child as well as possible when they need it, and then easing them out to more challenging situations when ready. So I'd much rather a few years of intense work and focus on my child while young, than to have him turn around in his teens and say, "you didn't support me fully when I really needed it and now I'm struggling."

I believe in taking full advantage of the services you agree with, when they are offered.

I also think it's easier to get into special ed and then go mainstream, than it is to be mainstream and then have to fight to get into special ed. If you mainstream for years and hit a roadblock, you have to start the whole evaluation process over again, which takes up valuable time. Meanwhile, your child struggles and falls further behind. That's a blow to their confidence.

I'm not really sure why parents seem to fight the idea of special ed so much. There is nothing shameful or bad about it. I love the fact my son gets so much attention focused on him (and so does he). I love how they work on his individual goals. There is simply no other place I would see him this supported, I don't think.
With time, we will start inclusion and then maybe move to a mainstream school with a shadow. But I'm in no rush!

Parenting and Discipline

So I talk big talk about what not to do when it comes to parenting. If you've been reading my blog long enough, you know we're into attachment parenting and gentle parenting.
That, for us, means no time outs, no spanking, no hitting, no yelling, no shaming, no calling names, no empty threats, no lots of things! So you might wonder, what do we do then?

Well, first off, we do discipline our child. We are not against discipline. I find when a lot of people see we don't parent like them, they think we don't discipline. We do.

Our son knows not to hit, spit, kick or punch people. He knows to hold my hand when walking down the street. He listens and obeys (for the most part). Like any four year old, he will have his off days and he will have his testing moments. He acts like a child (which makes sense!) and we respect his limits and don't put him in situations where he would be inclined to act out. We practice going out in public and learning how to behave in different situations during short trips.
So just that explanation gives you an idea of what we do do: we respect limits and keep our expectations within those limits.

We also repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, in the same even tone until he gets it.

I think people forget that repetition and practice are the best ways to learn anything. You don't learn to play the guitar over night. Kids don't learn how to tie their shoes in one afternoon. So when a child has to be told every single night that his dirty clothes go in the laundry hamper, and every night you tell him five times before he makes his way to it, you repeat it every night until one night he does it on his own.

You are creating habits that will last a lifetime. You are not running a race. You are not in a competition to see who learns it fastest. You are not running out of breath (unless you seriously have COPD or emphysema). Surely you have the time to spend teaching your child these simple tasks and habits and can spare a few minutes of your time to remind him/her to put their clothes away.

So reframe your thinking and remind yourself every moment of the day with your child is a teaching moment, not a bad behaviour moment. You have opportunities to teach or punish every day. We choose to teach. Every time.

We empathize with him.
Whatever stage he is at, we remember he is smaller and less powerful than us. Do you remember being 4 or 5? You may or may not. But I can guarantee, while you didn't have a care in the world for the most part or knew anything about banks, the government or mortgages, you did know you were smaller than others and that big people had authority. You did not have fully developed fine and gross motor skills, so things like eating with utensils or brushing your teeth took a lot of concentrated focus and effort. You did not have control of your schedule. There were many things you were not capable of doing and you knew it. You were sometimes envious of others with skills you did not have. You also did not have the capability to think ahead or plan. You became frustrated when you could not make yourself understood. Sometimes things were so overwhelming, you're not even sure what you were feeling, let alone able to verbalize it. Yes, being a kid is fun and carefree, but it's also limiting and confusing. Children don't know how to navigate this giant world of ours. This is even more of a struggle when they have a disability. When you empathize with them and realize they are doing the best they can with the limited skills they have, you realize they need a whole lot more love and understanding than actual punishments.

I have no doubt you do get results from other forms of parenting. Spanking does stop the negative behaviour quickly, but it doesn't help the child cope with whatever they're struggling with. It doesn't teach them negotiation skills. It doesn't teach them problem solving or critical thinking. It teaches them to fear being hit by a person they love.

Similarly, yelling and telling a child they're an "idiot" will probably get them silent and sullen very effectively. It will also teach them they are bad people. It will also teach them you, the person they love and trust the most in the world, think they're an idiot.

It's up to you what you want your child to learn in the long term and I believe gentle parenting techniques will best benefit my son. It takes effort now, but I hope to reap the rewards in the future. And he will, too. He will learn how to compromise and negotiate. He will have a healthy self-esteem. He will learn to think for himself. He will learn people can be trusted not to hurt him, and that loving relationships are those where people treat each other with respect. He will have a healthy sense of morals which are internally reinforced, knowing he should not harm a person - not because there's an external threat to him of being punished by someone else, but quite simply because it is the wrong thing to do.

I can also be sure that looking back on how I chose to parent my child, I know I will not regret not doling out more punishments instead of hugs.

And hey, we all mess up now and then. I would be lying if I said I've never yelled. It's what you do with your mistakes that make a difference. You can try to pretend it never happened and see what kind of interesting things your child internalizes from it, or you can own up to your mistakes, be a role model and apologize for losing your cool. You're the adult. You can make adult choices. 

School Update

We're more than halfway through the school year and I've been so busy blabbing on about myself, I never gave a school update about the Little Man!

Well, he's doing great in his first year of school. He is learning so much and working so hard. He has come a long way from hardly speaking to talking and talking (mostly about trains, but other stuff, too!). He still has his quiet moments, but he is really learning tons and trying.

He recently started sliding down slides on his bum! I got a note from the school from the proud OT. Previously, he went down on his belly, feet first. His dyspraxia makes him very unsure of his body and he gets scared to experiment. The plus side to this is I don't have a crazy dare-devil child trying to climb my roof or jump over cars, but it does mean he doesn't experience a wide variety of activities. He is working on that and learning to trust his body and predict what it can do. It's really nice to see him developing new skills.

He knows how to spell his name and can type it. Handwriting is not his favorite, but he is still really young. There is plenty of time for him to learn all this stuff.

The fact is, he has come a really long way since I first put him on the bus back in September. He happily took to the routine and the people there. They seem to understand him and support him very well. I have no complaints or fears. It's a great school and he will be attending next year. I feel very lucky that he got in.

In every day life, he sings a lot. When he doesn't know the words, he makes up his own. It's so cute! He sings about trains mostly and he can actually sing in tune, so it's really nice to hear him. It is the soundtrack of my home - him playing and singing - and I really couldn't be happier.

He likes to dance also, and he'll be old enough for classes next year, so we might try that.

Otherwise, we just need to figure out what we're doing for March Break, but the transition to school life has gone really well. 

What If I Can't?

I love my job and my workplace, and things generally go well, but I was told today that I will not be able to progress if I can't be trusted to be alone in a meeting. In other words, I come across as too brazen and arrogant.

My boss was amazingly caring and gentle relaying this info to me and I really appreciate it. It's also not any surprise to me. It's not something I mean to do, and often I realize I've said too much or the wrong thing not long after I've said it. But by then it's too late. I've broken the communication and relationship with that person. That doesn't go over well in a business setting. Or anywhere really.

Up to now, I've relied heavily on my trusted companions - my husband and understanding people in my office who hold my hand and help me navigate in the dark. But how long can I do that for?

If it's the only thing holding me back from more responsibility (which I would be happy with since it keeps me from being bored and may also mean a bigger paycheck), then it's something I should learn to do on my own.

I cannot just keep justifying, "I am this way because I'm Autistic, take me as I am! Too bad for your feelings!" I do at some point need to grow and at least try to change. And it's not an integral part of my autism. Being Autistic is not a license to be an asshole.

I should at least try and if I fail, if I make mistakes now and then, so be it, I am human. But not trying would make me a real asshole.

There is still that fear in the back of my head - what if I can't? What if I never gain this skill? Then what?

I don't even know where to start. But I have to at least try.

Out The Mouths of Babes

I am a beach bum and I'm happy my son inherited my love of the sand and sea. Maybe it's because I took him to Barbados when he was only 3.5 months old or maybe it's in his genes. I don't know, but I'm glad he likes the heat and water like I do.

We've also taken family vacations to Florida three times so far and plan to go back at Christmas. I keep a magnet and postcard of Fort Lauderdale beach up on our fridge to remind us of good times and weather. Recently, the Little Man has been demanding to see them and he points at them and says, "beach! Go now!"

One evening, we decided to talk to him more about it. He was adamant and persistent, without getting frustrated (good on him!) to get us to understand what he was saying. After a lot of jumbled, incomprehensible sentences came out of him, we broke it down from the beginning.

He said, "beach. Me happy and Dada happy."
Ok, but what about Mama? Wasn't she happy, too?
"No," he said. "Grandpa go in wawa, say 'Bye-bye!'"

Oh my goodness! I couldn't believe what came out of his mouth!

Fighting back tears, I said, "yes, you're right. We put Grandpa in the water and said 'Bye-Bye.' Mama was sad."
"Go see Grandpa!" he demanded.
"No, we can't see Grandpa. He's dead. Maybe he can see you right now, but you can't see him. You can see his picture...."
And by then he was distracted by something else.

It's just amazing because the Little Man is almost three now and he's talking about my sister and I pouring my father's ashes in the sea in Barbados when he was just 16.5 months old.

He sat on the beach and played in the sand while my hubby watched him and took pictures of the whole event.

There he is playing happily. Who would have thought his brain was busy burning this memory into his brain?
It's amazing and I'm glad he remembers this and his Grandpa.

Just goes to show, you never know what will come out the mouths of babes :)

Say What?

I'm posting things mostly for my memory, but also because they're just funny. This is like the tourist phrase book for Little Man language:

Thank you = ha who!
Bye = Die! (said very cheerfully, I might add. Die, everyone, die!)
Snowman = no-na
Banana = nana
Excuse me = no knee
tissues = ah choo!
bagel = day-go

I'm not sure why, but sometimes I'm "mama" and more often I'm "dadamama." Is it because he has to say "dada" more often to get his attention, it's become the default? I don't know, but I don't mind being a "dadamama." I can think of worse things!

Important Life Lessons

This evening, my son farted, sniffed with his nose in the air like something stinks, then pointed at me. The cheek!

I told him, "whoever smelt it, dealt it!" It's important he learns that important life rule early.