Adoption Day

We'd already been living as a family of four for over a year when we finally had our adoption finalization court date. Despite telling everyone this would be the case from the beginning, people still expressed surprise - "you mean...all this time!?"

All this time we were not his legal parents.
All this time we had no birth certificate for him.
All this time we had home visits from our social worker to check up on us.
All this time we waited.

I barely slept the night before our court date. I was excited to officially become a "forever family" and I also felt sad for his birth family. It seemed so final...and it was.

We paid our fee to our lawyer and entered the court room.
Hubby and I both testified and the whole process took maybe 10 minutes.
And that was it. After over a year of being together, a judge finally declared us a real family in the eyes of the law.

We exited the court room and I played We Are Family on my phone as we walked out of the court house.

And that's how our family was made.

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by
(Hey) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close?
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up ev'rybody and sing

Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the world's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal's in sight
(WE!) no we don't get depressed
'Cause here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
This is our family Jewel

Sister Sledge - We Are Family Lyrics

The Wait Is Not Over

Since my last adoption update, our birth mother gave birth a little early. I got the call while I was at work on a Monday morning that she gave birth. Because it was so close to Christmas holidays, I chose to keep working. There wasn't much I could do while waiting for the baby to be released from the hospital and I felt like I should keep my mind distracted. Let me tell you, it's a truly bizarre feeling to know "your" child is born, but you are not there to hear his cries or comfort him.

The social worker told me to expect to receive the baby sometime in the afternoon the next day, so I went into work that morning. My co-workers were truly amazing and surprised me with a gift card and a deluxe baby bath. It was really heart-warming how they came together on such short notice to support me. I left work that afternoon with them wishing me well and hoping everything goes smoothly.

I went home for lunch and got a call from the social worker. "There's been a delay...and some changes...."
There are always curve balls in adoption, I think. You just have to roll with it. Originally, our social worker was going to deliver him to our house. That changed and they asked us to go to the hospital.

My sister had arrived by then (she lives in another province), and I knew there was potential to wait more at the hospital, so I decided it was best if Hubby and the Little Man wait at home, and I drove to the hospital with my sister.

We got there and waited. And waited. And waited. We browsed in the gift shop. And wandered. And sat. And waited. Finally the social worker told us to wait outside the elevators, they were coming down. So we waited in the hospital hall. Very anti-climatic. Very odd. To think this is THE MOMENT you get to see your child and we're standing in the middle of a hospital.

So with that, three social workers come out, mine carrying our baby and in the middle of the hall, they hand him to me. But just like when I gave birth, when you set your eyes on your baby, for a few minutes the world stops turning and no one else exists. You have no pain, no fears, no worries. You feel love and protection. It doesn't matter if you're lying in a hospital bed or standing in a hospital hall, you see your baby and it's wonderful.

And with that, we pile into the car - me, my sister, our social worker and the Tiny Man - and we drive home. We walk in the door and present the new baby to Hubby and the Little Man. The Little Man is so proud and declares we're, "a real family now." The social worker stays with us for the first hour to make sure we're settled in and with that, our new family is formed.

From there, we had to get past the 30-day wait period - the time that the biological family can request the baby back. This was not as nerve-racking as I thought it would be. I did not guard my heart just in case. As far as I was concerned, this was my child for however long I have him and I will love him because that's what he needs.

We have had him two months now and it feels like he was always supposed to be with us. The Little Man tells everyone he can about his baby brother. He is so happy.

But the waiting is not over.

We have to wait for our day in court for the Order of Placement, which transfers guardianship of the Tiny Man from child protective services to us. Then after that, we have to wait for the finalized adoption. Again, like every other aspect of adoption we've experienced so far, there's no clue how long we'll wait. So the wait is not over!

In the meantime, we just keep living and enjoying our little family.

~ To Be Continued ~

Introducing the One Quarter Mama Family

Here's a cute video I made to introduce us. It's less than two minutes and fun! Watch it!

 

Thanksgiving Roadtrip!

It took me a while to assemble all the pictures, but here is a recap of our Thanksgiving Roadtrip!

My sister lives outside Toronto, which is a good 500km from Montreal. The halfway point for that trip is roughly Kingston. Before having a kid and when he was small, we would do the drive in 6-7 hours. We found that as he gets older, we need to stop more and for longer and I don't think it's fair to keep a 5 year old in a car for that long. So instead we booked a hotel in Kingston and spent the night each way.

I left work a bit early on Thursday and, as planned, were on the road to Kingston by 8pm. We were checked into our room and in bed by 11:30 that night, which makes me feel like Wonder Woman for accomplishing that. We gave the Little Man a bath before we left and dressed him in his pajamas before sticking him in the car with a pillow and a blanket. Of course, he didn't fall asleep in the car until close to our arrival, but he was ready to sleep once he got into the hotel bed, which is pretty impressive.

Angry Birds help him sleep

The next morning, we had breakfast and the guys took advantage of the hotel salt water pool. I couldn't go in because of my new ink.

My New Ink!

Guys in the pool

Then we got on the road to his Auntie's place, but of course, we had to make a stop at The Big Apple. The Big Apple is really just that: a giant red apple with a smiling face, just off the highway in Colborne, Ontario. Not only do they make amazing giant apple pies, which you can watch them make, but they have free activities for kids.

First we checked out the petting zoo and fed a chicken and a goat. A llama also looked at us intently, but that was it.

Auntie left a key for us (she was still at work Friday afternoon) and we let ourselves in.

When Auntie came in from work, all the excitement led to a minor meltdown for the Little Man. He had contained all that energy and was so good with all these new experiences on the way over that is just had to burst out.

The next night we had our Thanksgiving Dinner and the Little Man was restless, so he slept half on top of me on the futon, while Dada got stuck on the air mattress.

We left Sunday afternoon and of course had to stop at The Big Apple again on the way back. This time we rode the train and then the guys climbed all the way to the top of the apple. (I had to use the toilet, so I missed out on that.)

Family selfie on the train

Then we checked back in at First Canada Inns and settled in for the night. 

And drove the rest of the way home on Monday! 

The End!

#WondrousWednesdays - Two Left Feet Momma

This week's interview is with Two Left Feet Momma! She is my sister-in-law, so she's talking about my niece. It's interesting how these sorts of things seem to run in families. I have never met my niece, since they live at the other end of the country, but I hope to one day and I'm sure the Little Man would have a lot of fun with his cousins.

***

We live in Langley, BC, Canada. Daughter is 5 years old, diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and Anxiety (suspected high functioning Autism). I work full time as an Environmental Health Officer, currently on a Leave of Absence to support my daughter during her transition to school (kindergarten!). 
What is your biggest challenge with your family member’s disability? 

Being in a group setting is difficult, she becomes easily overwhelmed by sensory and social stimulation. Trying to make and keep friends as well as navigate the social complexities is challenging for my daughter. 
What is the greatest gift from your family member’s disability? 

Amazing memory! She can remember movies word for word as well as events in detail from years ago, and she is only 5. She is also becoming a pretty good little artist.
What’s one thing you want people to know about her disability that many don’t seem to understand? 

That it's not behavioural, she isn't "acting out." A firm discipline will not "fix" her. She is unique and requires a unique way of parenting. 
What has been the best part of maintaining a blog?

To me it's my safe place to talk. Where nobody is judging me about my family, my parenting, my decisions.
What is a typical day like in your life? 

Routine! We do similar things in a similar order. It keeps the chaos down
What’s your favorite pastime?

Drawing or hiking 

What’s your favorite food/drink? 

Greek food and wine
Anything else you’d like to share - a tip, words of wisdom, a recipe, a poem? 

Try and live life for today, try not to dwell on what might be tomorrow.

Acceptance

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law:

When you realize your child is a little different from the others, there's a place you eventually have to get to called "Acceptance." It takes some people longer than others, but eventually you have to make peace with what is - the reality.

from whatyouhavealwaysknown.com

Not everyone in your circle of friends and family will get there at the same rate or ever in some cases. You also have to accept this.

I think there are many changes in people's life cycles that trigger this sort of stuff, but it's harder to deal with when the people you think you can count on most let you down.

I lost friends when I got married.
I lost friends when I started my own business.
I lost friends when my dad died.

It doesn't mean I'm a horrible person for living my life the way I want to, and dancing to the beat of my own drum. It means not everyone can handle the stress, or the changes. It says more about them than it does about you. It means they lack the faith (or will) that they have the strength to support you and are too embarrassed to admit that and ask how they can be of service. Or they're just too selfish. Or they have enough on their plate and can't deal. It doesn't really matter. The ones you need will stay.

Because with all these major life changes, you change. And if you stay authentic to the experience, you let it strengthen you instead of hurt you. It means you start to prioritize and make choices about who you will allow with you on your life's journey and who saps more energy from you. You set boundaries, you set goals, you stop taking any BS.

If it means you have to stop talking/cut ties, then do so, because as in the words of Sweet Brown, "ain't nobody got time for this!"

Acceptance is also about understanding that some people won't change. Acceptance means we no longer live in fear of rejection. We have confidence in ourselves and know we are on the right path. I accept that not everyone is on the same path and not always going to be on mine, but I trust the right ones will be there when I need them.

Don't walk ahead, I may not follow

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead

Just walk beside me and be my friend.

2012: Year in Review

I say it's not too late to do a "Year in Review" sort of post. After all, 2012 was just a few weeks ago. So here's a look back at crazy 2012!

First-second quarter of 2012: The Little Man was weaned! We started in the spring and finished mid-June. He was 32.5 months. Woohoo! 

We looked into our infertility treatment options and made peace with it.

Then the Little Man got diagnosed with ASD, finally!

I got a new full time job! But there's no post about it for me to link to :(

We took a road trip to see The Wiggles for their final tour!

The Little Man then got diagnosed with apraxia and I was upset.

We all went gluten free! (More updates on that soon!)

I finally came out to his daycare worker about The Little Man's diagnoses.

We revisited fostering and are still hemming and hawwing....

We talked about goal-setting and everything we've achieved this year.

We had a crazy experience trying to find a banana on New Year's Eve.

Memories to last a lifetime! 

Is there anything special I've forgotten that you remember? What special dates in your family will remain etched in your memory from 2012?

Fostering Family Planning

When I was around five, my mom, sister and I were having a conversation about growing up. I think my sister said she was going to be a lawyer and never get married or have kids (she never changed her mind about the last two, but she changed her mind about being a lawyer).

I said I was going to marry, "a white man with a moustache and have 10 kids!" My mom laughed and told me I didn't have to do any of that, but I assured her I would.

I did marry a white man who had a moustache at the time. I'm still working on the 10 kids part.

If you read our About Us page, you'll know I have a 75% miscarriage rate, so getting and staying pregnant is not easy for me.

Us in Vegas after our vow renewal ceremony. I was in the process of miscarrying our second baby.

So we've had three angel babies, the Little Man was my fourth pregnancy and I recently signed up to be a foster parent with Plan Canada. I received the picture of a little boy in El Salvador named Anderson. I hope to foster him til he's 18 and visit him one day, so I consider him my 5th child.

So where are the other five going to come from? LOL

Ok, I don't necessarily need five more kids, but I still think there's room in my heart.

We still ain't no Duggar family!

Sometime last year,  we attended fostering info sessions. I started filling out the long application after that. Hubby was not so enthused, and I didn't want to rush into anything. Then he came around and starting filling out his part and now I'm not so sure. Mostly because we're still trying to establish therapy for the Little Man. We're not even sure where we're going to live next year! I've been at my company only five months now and we may move closer to our workplaces and a special school for the Little Man. I feel like there are a lot of unknowns. While I know nothing is ever guaranteed and there's no perfect time to have a kid, there are probably some times that are still a little better than others.

If I didn't often feel so overwhelmed with the uncertainty and preoccupied arranging therapies/visits/follow up phone calls, it would make it easier to add another child to the mix. But I think I'm taxed out right now. There's not a day that goes by I'm not getting on someone's case about my son's file (you have to be or you'll never hear back!) or filling out an application or talking to insurance - it's just too much. I can't imagine doing that with TWO!

But there is still love to give and I really want the Little Man to have a sibling, so it will happen one day and maybe not in the way I expect. You just never know. 

The Permanency of the Internet

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I write about my family and about what others write. Frankly, I don't think enough people think about it seriously enough.

There's a certain permanency on the Internet that lasts longer than people's memories. Even if you take down a site or a blog, there are always personal caches, screenshots and The Wayback Machine archive.

What I find is Mommy Bloggers are often careful about themselves; not posting naked pictures of themselves or divulging the size of their partner's genitals, not discussing intimate details of parasites or diseases they've caught or other personal things of that nature - but they don't show the same respect for their own children.

I have been on online communities where a mother openly declared, "my son is a total butt boy!" during a discussion on toddlers and masturbation. Would she yell that out at a super market? Probably not. But there's not much difference between an open online community and a super market in terms of making public declarations to strangers. You might feel private and safe because you're sitting at home, but you're telling the world and making a permanent mark every time you disclose personal information on the Internet.

For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong if this woman's child is a "butt boy" but I would think that's info he alone should be allowed to disclose if and when he believes it's appropriate. I would think if he said that about her out loud at a dinner party, she'd be at least a little embarrassed.

What about when he grows up and finds it? What if his friends in high school find it first? Being a teenager is hard enough as it is without your mom telling everyone how you used to play with your genitals as a toddler.

There's also the chance people will take what you write out of context. This mother had CPS called on her after some person read her blog entry and reported her. Whoever did it was able to get enough personal information about this woman and her family to be able to call authorities.

I'm not saying let's all stop talking about our families, but we must do it in a way that respects the privacy and personal information of the little ones in our care - not just now but also in the future. What we write now on the Internet will not disappear. Our kids will grow up and need to get jobs and mortgages and you don't want to ruin things for them.

Before I post something about my son, I think about whether this is something I would tell a stranger at a cocktail party. I think about whether this is something he would want to share with others if he were older.
There's a fine line between being open and honest and divulging too much. We all have to walk the tightrope carefully.

Those Lasting Memories

After my dad died, I got hold of a viewer and my hubby and I sorted through his collection of Super 8 films. They were badly labelled or not labelled at all, so it made for some interesting discoveries (70s porn anyone?)
We finally got through ALL the Super 8s and I brought in the good ones for processing.

The good stuff:

-My parent's wedding
-My sister's first birthday and first steps
-My sister playing in a wading pool with like, two drops of water because my parents were insane and paranoid
-My grandfather and uncle
-A surprise birthday party my mom held for my dad, which he hated and she never surprised him again.

The weird stuff:

-My parents never thought to turn the camera on themselves.
-My mom at work, at Bell Canada, and everyone is smoking in the office.
-My father always shot random women's asses - did he not realize other people would see these things? (and I can just picture my parents watching them together and my mom giving him hell)
-A tape called "Barbara." "Barbara" dances a bit. Then she's on a bed in a bra and undies. Then she puts on sunglasses and a hat and dances some more. Then she dances with a man. He gets a little too grabby and she hits him. They continue dancing. That's the video.
What drugs were they taking? Who the hell is Barbara?


Lessons learned:

-If you own a camera, take pics of *yourself* sometimes because looking at foliage and whatever other stuff you think is interesting is not as interesting as *you* over time.
-Take more shots of *people* and not things.
-Name the files appropriately, with people's names if you can, dates and descriptions, not just "old" or "Montreal." It may be obvious to you now, but it may not be 30 years down the line to someone else. Name footage as if someone 20 years from now needs to know what the heck it is.

New Relative!

I'm an auntie again and The Little Man has a new cousin!