Fixing Behaviours

Oh boy, I get a lot of juicy post ideas from some of the parenting groups I'm on.

One was about her ASD son doing a specific behaviour. He's young and when she asked why he does it, he said it's because he likes it. She then asked the community, "how do I stop it?"

Well, the first question out of my mouth was, "if he says he likes it, why do you want to stop it?"

To which she replied, "good question! Maybe other people won't like it. It doesn't actually bother me when I think about it."

So what's the problem?

Here we have a trap a lot of parents fall into:
child is doing something different from others, therefore it must be stopped!
There's this whole school of thought about fixing behaviours.

But guess what? You don't have to like every single thing your child does. Do you know why? Because they're not mini YOU. They are their own person and they get to have different likes and dislikes. I bet they don't like everything about you either. Tough.

You also are not required to control every single little thing they do. You don't. You have your own life to live and you should value your time. Micromanaging your kid's behaviours probably isn't the best use of your time, especially when it doesn't actually harm anyone.

So my solution for the above mother: talk to him! Tell him you understand he likes doing this thing, but that not everyone will appreciate it. So he should only do this thing he likes with other people who like it. This way you are explaining to him how to respect other people's space/needs without actually stopping or shaming his enjoyment in said activity.

Again, as long as he is not hurting anyone, including himself, and he truly is enjoy it, then why not let him enjoy his life?

Besides, what else is childhood for if it's not for exploration and discovery? It won't be long until he's into something else. Not every behaviour needs to be "fixed."

Different is Not Wrong

I'm kind of amazed at the advice out there for parents with auties. I mean amazed in the sense that a lot of it is obvious - at least to us. Some sites talk about stimming behaviours and how to work with them. They even have names for them. We just called them "Crazy time!"

I'm going to guess a lot of parents tried to stop their kids from doing these things, but we've learned from experience that when they are actively encouraged, they last less time or sometimes disappear completely. And I've always just assumed he was doing them because either he needed to or just plain liked it. Sure, it's best to figure out the underlying cause - sometimes they can do it because of pain, but sometimes he could just be bored. As long as he does things in a way that is safe, I don't think it really matters.

But it is sort of interesting to read that other kids do the same thing and to understand why he'll get all revved up before bedtime. (Auties lack the perception of social cues before bedtime, like dimming the lights, being quiet, so there's no point in doing those things with him - as we've already figured out on our own!) He likes to do what's called "crashing" - running or falling into objects (luckily, usually the bed or the couch, but sometimes the floor). Sometimes I feel like I should just live in a giant padded house.

I can deal with the hand flapping, except when he wants to share the experience and does it in my face - which is very nice and generous of him and I'm sure it's great for him, just not for me!

Since I put on the two twisty knobs in the kitchen, he's greatly reduced his spinning. Maybe partly because he can no longer get a rise out of me when doing it. Really, I am a patient mom with all the other weird behaviours, but him spinning my kitchen knobs just gets under my skin in the worst way.

I am just very much against stopping him from being him. He is quirky, he is different, but it's not something to be restrained. As far as I'm concerned, if it hurts no one and distracts no one, it's fine. I'm saying he should be able to control himself on a public bus or at school (he should not stop other kids from learning), but he should be free to do what he needs to do for self-stimulation at home or any other appropriate place. He takes me as I am. It only seems fair I take him as he is.