4 Myths About The Adoption Process

Since we announced our decision to adopt locally, we've heard all sorts of warnings, issues and problems people have heard from "someone who knows someone who adopted and...".

We've also heard how "amazing" or "blessed" we must be to even contemplate such a thing. So I want to straighten out a few things about our case and how the system (here at least) works.

Myth #1: It's Expensive!

We looked into international adoption previously and the cost depends on the country in question. Even then, it's not representative of the cost of the child. The costs are mostly legal, agency and travel fees, as well as a donation to the orphanage. Do not ask people how much their child cost them!

In our case, we're doing local adoption, and agency fees are paid for by the government. What we have paid for so far was our police background check ($125 each), and for doctors to fill out our medical forms ($170 total). Once the adoption is finalized, we can pay for an updated birth certificate - like we would for any other child. I hardly see that as expensive. I spent more money on tests and scans when I was pregnant, quite honestly.

I also want to stress we're not rich. While we are paying for a house, we're also paying off the debt from huge renos last year. While I believe we could survive off of one income, it wouldn't be fun and it wouldn't be mine! I wouldn't want to lose my job without something lined up either. So we are ok, but I wouldn't want to rock the boat too much either.

They look for the basics: you have food in the fridge, a functioning bathroom, a room for the new child, and a washing machine. Is the house/apartment safe and clean? Ok, you're good!

Myth #2: It's Invasive!

We had to have friends and our bosses comment on our character. Good friends are helpful and supportive, so I don't see this as a big deal. They know us best and I have no problem with them vouching for us.

We had to have our bank sign off on our financial situation. I guess some people could be put off by this, but I really have nothing to hide.

The home study was grueling, I'll admit, because we had to rehash everything about our childhoods, which in our cases, weren't the happiest times. I presume others might have a better time with this if they weren't abused. But still, I have nothing to hide. While my past did shape me into the person I am today, I am not ashamed of who I have become. My childhood experiences influence how I choose to parent (attachment/gentle parenting) and I think they should know that.

Yes, it's true, most people don't get questioned before they pop out a baby (often by accident). Most people don't get asked about health, financials and emotional or physical capabilities. But life isn't fair and adoption is not about being fair - it's about doing the best for the child given the situation they have been unfairly placed in.

So yes, it's certainly a more invasive process than had I chosen to use my uterus again, but it's not that bad given the situation, providing you are open, realistic, secure, and upfront about your life and situation. If you are in some sort of blissful denial about your life or financial stability, it will be exposed and it will create problems.

Myth #3: The Child Is Going To Have Problems

Sweetheart, if you want a perfect child, don't have one because it's NOT POSSIBLE! People are flawed. Children are people. Ergo, children are flawed. No one is perfect!

Life is full of problems. Should I stop living because there will be problems?

Also, in case you didn't notice already, I have a disability, and my child has a disability. If the next child is too normal, it won't fit into our family nicely. lol

So hey, maybe the child will have problems, but the child also needs love and a family, and I think that sorta trumps the potential problem issue. If and when there are problems we will deal with them as a family, because that's what families do, amirite?

Myth #4: They're Going To Take The Child Away!

Well, the first family has 30 days to change their mind after placement, so yes, they can take the child back. It's their RIGHT. It is the child's RIGHT. People have rights and those rights should be respected. I don't have any rights in this part of the process because the child is not an object and not my possession. I did not buy it at a store and then get robbed. I am granted guardianship for a short time before the first family relinquishes their rights - if they choose.

Will I be sad? For sure. But it's a chance I take. If I had used my body, I could also have a miscarriage, a stillbirth or a child who dies shortly after birth. These are all potential losses.

But I refuse to make choices governed by the fears of "what if?" My job as a parent is to do right by whatever child I am lucky enough to raise. My job is to give love. My job is to help them become the best person they can be. If I only get to do that for a few weeks, I will do that. If I only get to do that for a few hours, I will do that. I will do that until the minute I die.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Keep learning more by following the Twitter hashtag #NAAM. 

National Adoption Awareness Month ‪#‎NAAM2014‬ #flipTheScript

Even though I'm not American, a large part of my media is, so I think it's fitting to talking about National Adoption Awareness Month, which is November.

We just completed our home study, so by December, we will be on the waiting list for a child.

While it will be amazing to one day hold a new child in our arms to call our own, I'm not going to sugar coat it and pretend it's a wonderful thing. Because it's not. For us to benefit, someone else has to experience incredible hardship and loss. The child will experience so many losses as well.

I don't believe any family wants to relinquish rights*. I believe it is one of the most difficult decisions someone will have to make. I believe the reasons they do are tied to some many social-economic issues and a lack of support - things that we, as a society, could work harder to prevent in the first place.

The discourse on adoption has widely been controlled by adoption agencies and adoptive parents. But adoptees are working to "#flipTheScript" and ask for their voices to be heard. A person has a right to know their birthdate. They have a right to clear and accurate birth records and medical history. They have a right to know their first family*, both in name and in person.

Right now, the laws in Quebec prohibit open adoption. An adoptee cannot initiate a search for their first family until the age of 14. Parents who relinquished their parental rights cannot initiate contact until the child is 18. This is way too long!

What I realized from hearing the voices of adult adoptees, is I need to fight for the rights of these children. I need to work to make the adoptions that do happen in QC, as open as possible.

Part of my way of raising awareness this year, is to leave the floor open to adoptees - only they can speak to their experiences. They have their stories to tell and we need to listen.

Please check out these sites:

http://lightofdaystories.com/2014/11/01/national-adoption-month-and-awareness-flip-the-script/

http://www.thelostdaughters.com/2014/11/flipthescript-on-nationaladoptionmonth.html

*I want people to take note of the language I used to speak about adoption. We do not say "give up" a child, and some people do not like the term "birth mother" instead of "first mother" because it reduces the woman to just a birthing vessel. She is and will always be a mother. 

On That Adoption Journey

Maybe one day we'll be a family of four?

I think it's been YEARS since I mentioned anything about our fostering/adoption journey, which is a shame because I know some people were specifically following me for updates. Sorry for the let-down!

Quite honestly, we needed to get our own lives more sorted out before trying to add more to the mix. Also, after our two fostering info sessions, we weren't exactly running to sign up. I started the paperwork and Hubby just couldn't get into it. So we dropped that idea and decided to give it time to think about what we wanted.

At the beginning of summer, we decided to revisit international adoption again. I looked into a few agencies and then decided we would wait until next year to start pursuing that. But then, as life has a way of doing, we got a surprise call from Youth Services asking us if we wanted to proceed with local adoption. We had put ourselves on the list three years earlier and we figured we would never hear from them!

So we went to that info session and decided to start the process. We figured we'd see what pans out. We had two months to get all our paperwork done: we needed police background checks, financial statements, medicals, and references for all of us (yes, even the Little Man). It was a bit of running around, but we got it all in.

Thanks to our friends for agreeing to answer questionnaires!  

Then we waited two months. 

We got another call recently, telling us they will proceed with the home study now. So this morning we had our first meeting in the home. The case worker (social worker?) checked out the place to make sure we had enough room for another child and that everything was safe. We also answered some questions together (Hubby and I).

I was impressed that it was important to her that we learn the proper language when talking about adoption. "First Mother" instead of "Birth Mother" and "relinquishing parental rights" not "giving up a child." It speaks to the activist deep inside me. We spoke about how it is the child's story and they can choose who they want to tell it to and how. 

So unlike the fostering info sessions we went to, which Hubby described as, "two nights of horror stories," we feel somewhat more comfortable with this. 

From there, we still all need to have individual interviews conducted. We have them scheduled over the next month. And then, if we get through all that, I think we just wait some more. When a baby becomes available, we will be called and told what they know about the parents (if the mother drank alcohol, what ethnic background they are from, the sex of the baby etc) and then we have to decide whether we want that one or not. If we say yes, we either go straight to the hospital (if it requires special care) or we get it directly from the hospital. That's it - wham bam, baby in your hands! lol 

And then we go from one day, being a "normal" family, with our jobs and routines, to suddenly having a newborn in the house. I'm sure it will be a bizarre mix of emotions - and running out to buy diapers and formula! But I figure most stores are open late enough that this is just a detail. And I still have the Little Man's old cloth diapers anyway. 

But that's all just a glimmer in my eye in some other time unknown....