How To Deal With Repetitive Questions

When I was a kid, I used to ask, "what time is it?" all day long. I knew what time lunch was at. I knew what time certain shows were on. I knew what time my sister came home from school. I knew what time mom came home from work. Therefore knowing the time helped me organize my daily schedule and know what to expect. My father did not understand this. He could not understand why a four year old, who couldn't read the time off a clock face, would need to know what time it was. My repetitive "what time is it?" questions made him frustrated and they interrupted his writing and thought process. He couldn't take it anymore so he bought me a digital watch. I laugh now, looking back, but really, they could have just made a visual schedule and hung it up in the house. The goal, however, was not to help me satisfy my need for consistency or reassurance, it was to shut me up. Plain and simple.

While my mom was making supper, I would often ask her repeatedly what she was making. I often forgot that I just asked two minutes before. It wasn't until she reminded me that I had already asked her at least five times that I was able to realize what was happening. Over time and through her annoyance with me, I was able to figure out that asking repetitive questions was annoying. I was asking for reassurance that she could not or would not provide me.

People often say there is, "no such thing as a stupid question." Oh yes there is, if no one has the patience to explain things to you!

As a child, I wasn't always asking the question I needed the answer to. Sometimes it's hard to put into words what we really need. Asking repetitive questions, as a child, was about looking for certainty, predictability, and reassurance that things were under control. I needed to know the same things were happening, at around the same times, every day. Without that info, I felt anxious. 

So fast forward to the present, with my own son occasionally asking repetitive questions. It doesn't happen often, because I'm in the habit of narrating his days. When saying goodnight, I tell him what's happening tomorrow. In the morning when he wakes up, I tell him our plans for the day. It commonly goes like this: "hey, it's time to get up and start our day! It's a nice day. It's Tuesday. We're going to have some breakfast and then we'll get dressed. Today you're going to take the bus to school. Then the bus will bring you home and Dada will be here. Dada will make you supper and then I will come home. Then you'll have your bath and get ready for bed!"

I do that every day.

At school, I know they have visual schedules to help them out with their days. I've run into problems at daycare recently where the worker did not think to just answer his questions when he asked them, which led to anxiety on his part. 

The point is, a child is not asking a question over and over to be annoying. They're looking for bits of information to make their world make sense. If I start getting repetitive questions, I know I need to offer more info. I know that somewhere along the line, I have failed to provide either the structure, information or reassurance my child needs. Yes, that's right, it is my responsibility to help my child regulate until he is able to do so independently.

I, as an adult, still sometimes ask repetitive questions. I honestly don't remember asking over and over until someone tells me. But when I do, I know it's because there is something underlying that question and I need more info so as to control my anxiety. 

How To Prevent Meltdowns

I started out wanting to describe the experience and then realized it's probably best to know how to prevent meltdowns in the first place because they are really horrible. If you think it's horrible as an observer, I can tell you it's 100% worse as an experiencer (I know I totally just made up a word).

A lot of a meltdown is a loss of control of the situation. Autistic people give many signs BEFORE we get anywhere near meltdown stage, but they are often ignored. Children are more powerless and not so good at communicating their needs, so they have them more often. Pushing/forcing/encouraging your Autistic child to do things they are not ready to do can lead to a whole lot of anxiety and eventually a meltdown. I really want parents to try and understand even when they think they are not pushing too much, a lot of the time they are. I know parents don't mean to, because it seems normal and easy for you and all the other kids you know, but it's not the same with an Autistic kid. When I think back to my childhood, it was an overwhelming mess of anxiety. What makes anxiety different from other issues is that it requires an extra set of skills to overcome it, and kids usually don't have those skills.

When an Autistic child seems to be resistant to do something, like take a walk around the block holding your hand for example, it is not because they hate you, are in their own world, don't enjoy walking or just want to be difficult. They are resistant because they don't know how they will feel outside in the big unknown. They don't know what they will encounter and have to process once out there. They don't know exactly when you will return. They don't know if the toys they have happily organized in a row sorted by color, to give their lives a sense of control and orderliness, will be in the same spots they left them in when they get back. They don't know if they will have their senses overloaded. They don't know if they will be expected to speak to people and say, "hello" or that the correct words will come out at the appropriate time. They don't know if their legs will be tired. They remember that time they fell on the sidewalk and fear it will happen again. They remember being scared by the sound of a fire engine rushing by and are scared that may happen again. They remember the time you took them for ice cream and they got a stomach ache after, and they're scared that will happen again. They fear you won't take them for ice cream. All of that. In the flash of the 30 seconds it took for you to say, "let's go for a walk!" - that went through their mind. I can almost guarantee it.

Not all Autistic kids are that high anxiety, but a lot of us are (or were). I was and it only gets worse the more you try to force us otherwise and ignore the state of anxiety we are in. What happens to high anxiety children? They grow up into high anxiety adults who don't have much respect for parents who disregarded their feelings when most vulnerable.

So the parent or friend or whatever other person has to work on helping the Autistic through the not knowing part. This takes patience, sensitivity and creativity.

I use speech and my presence to calm my child. That's just how I am best able to work with him. Even when he doesn't respond to me with speech, I keep talking. You can use pictures or social stories or whatever way you think works. Do not stop trying to communicate with your child even if they do not respond in the way you expect or are comfortable with. Even if they don't look at you or even appear to hear you, they are, trust me.

So going back to the walk example, I'm going to say it's a leisurely walk with no particular aim other than some fresh air. If you are heading somewhere in a rush, you should prepare with more warnings preparation than this.

Let's say both mom and dad want to take a relaxing walk around the block. You can go to your child and say, "mom and dad would both like to take a walk. We would both like you to come. We want to all go out as a family. We will just walk around the block once and come back. We want you to hold our hands and stay on the sidewalk. You can leave your toys exactly where they are right now and they will be there when we get back. If you need to pee, you should do it now. We will go in 5 minutes. You will need to wear shoes (or a sweater, hat etc). When we get back it will be time for snack/lunch/bath."

Now I don't mean just ramble all that stuff off without taking a breath, but that's the sort of detail we want to know. If yours is the type to ask questions, then answer those questions, patiently, without rolling your eyes and sighing like a teenager because you've answered those questions 200 times before. We need those questions answered each and every time. We need you to be the adult and patiently do that for us until we are able to do it for ourselves. We are relying on you to calm our fears because the world is too much for us to take by ourselves. If you can kiss a boo-boo when we fall, you can answer those questions for us. Autistic kids are doing the equivalent of running into your arms every day, numerous times a day, looking for your love and support. Don't let us down because it presents itself as a series of questions or stims.

A child who cannot ask questions is still asking those questions in their head and needing answers, so answer the questions before trying to go out. I've done this sort of stuff with my kid since he was a baby. If he started crying in the car, I knew I had to start calming him by answering some questions. You can do this with any kid, Autistic or not, and I guarantee your day will go a whole lot more smoothly. I taught daycare workers to do the same thing and it worked for them.

Yes, I am seriously proposing you tell your 3 year old where, when and how you are going and when you are coming back. It's not spoiling them, it's giving them information. You are still the boss, don't worry about that, you will always be. You are still the parent. That won't change. But you are changing the relationship you can have with a child who happens to worry a lot more than others. There may still be protests, but over time it will get easier - especially if you don't change the plan and you continue to respect the high need for reassurance. If they can trust you to give them correct and up to date information, as well as protect them, they will be better able to trust others and themselves when they are older.

You might want to read What Does A Meltdown or Shutdown Feel Like?

The Big Questions

I sometimes get asked The Big Questions. You know, the ones I don't have answers to. The ones no one, realistically, has answers to. But they get asked anyway.

I get asked, "what will the Little Man do when he grows up?"

I don't know.

Do you know what your child will be when he/she grows up?! If you do, you have amazing powers and you should start charging money for your insights!

I get asked, "what if he never gets a job?"

I don't know.

I haven't put much thought to it. Should I have put a lot of thought into it? He's three! Do you know what you'll do if your kid never gets a job? Do people with neurotypical kids normally think about these things and have the answers ready? If so, you guys have a lot more time than I do!

The quick answer is I guess I will have to support him. I guess I will have to make the best of it. What else can I really do or say?

A Second Opinion

I don't know if it's other people's fears or denial, but we've been getting one common question over and over: Don't you want a second opinion?


No, we do not want or need a second opinion. If we had gotten the results and they came back that everything was fine, I would have fired the psychologist because it's glaringly OBVIOUS, at least to me, that my kid is not alright. I have noticed from the beginning (even in utero) he is not like others, and not just in a "unique and special snowflake" way.

It is possible that there is something else at play (or a combo) because of our messed up genes, but what that is doesn't actually matter at the moment. The fact is, in order to get him the specialized help he needs, we need a diagnosis of *something*. In order to get the tax credits/exemptions we so desperately need to pay for the help he needs, we need a diagnosis of *something*. Normal speech therapy could only take him so far (and she did an amazing job, she is great, we loved her) but to assemble a specialized team of OTs, speech and behaviour therapists that he needs to work with him one-and-one - well, it's much easier with a diagnosis.

The fact is, nothing is set in stone. The diagnosis can change, *he* can change. But right now, and all that really matters is right now, he needs therapy.