Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

It seems a lot of things are commemorated in October. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, but October 15th is the actual date. If you visit the link, they encourage everyone to light a candle at 7pm and create a wave of light.

Four Pictos of women, three pink and one black with text that says, "1 in 4 is not just a statistic. It's me. Speak out about pregnancy loss. 

I think it can be a time to acknowledge the difficulties some people have. I think it's a good time to share our stories and say the names of our lost children out loud. So many people suffer in silence because they don't feel they are allowed to grieve and talk about it.

I've written many times here about miscarriage and I want people to keep talking so that they know they're not alone.

Not only should we let others know they are not alone, we need to change the dialogue about the value of women. There are so many ways to mother without giving birth. The ability to get pregnant has no bearing on your value as a person. Too often people blame themselves and say they are "broken," "not meant to be mothers," or "not womanly enough." That's simply not true.

We shouldn't be taught that motherhood defines our worth. When we get rid of that rhetoric, we can have more equality of the sexes, as well as more respect for the childfree.

When we allow our vision of what motherhood is to expand and see the many forms it can take, our children benefit as well.

So as we mourn our losses, let's see what we can do to lighten the burden for everyone:

1) Stop teaching young women that their worth is tied up in their ability to reproduce
2) Stop making judgement calls on the characters of those who choose to be childfree
3) Make space for everyone (women and men!) to grieve their pregnancy and infant losses freely

Share your stories. Say their names. You are not alone. 

We remember the babies born sleeping, those we carried but never held, those we held but could not take home, those who came home but could not stay.

What Does Miscarriage Feel Like?

This post has been in my brain and my heart for YEARS, but never committed to writing. Not because I don't want to write it - I actually have no problem answering the question when someone asks - but I guess it's never easy to just put it all out there. So I start with this warning: while miscarriage is not and should not be a taboo or shameful subject, it still doesn't make it a fun or easy subject to talk about (at least not for me). So be gentle and patient with me as I try.

I'm writing this to be informative for people who need it. When I was going through my first miscarriage, I had no idea what to expect. I searched the internet for some sort of idea and only found a few places with scattered bits of info. So I will try to detail MY experiences and if it helps someone, I've done my job. I can't speak for all, only MY experiences.

If you've read about me or about us, you'll know I've had three miscarriages. My mother had two. They were caused by chromosomal abnormalities. We know this because of genetic testing. However, I did not have this information until after my third miscarriage. It took a lot of begging and pleading to find a doctor willing to give me answers. In sum, I suffer from what's called "secondary infertility;" I have no problems getting pregnant, I have problems staying pregnant.

After three miscarriages, I consider myself a bit of an expert, though it's not really something I'd like to be an expert in. I've had many different doctors, with many different approaches and bad bedside manners. I've had people say amazingly stupid things, which I may or may not go into detail about here.
What I truly hope is that if you are going through this right now, you find the strength to advocate for what you want and need during this process. So I hope sharing my experiences can give you some ideas on how to do that or avoid certain undesirable situations.

The number one thing I want everyone to do before anything else: PLEASE, please, please DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! When you think about the miracle of life (and it really is a miracle) so many things happen so fast. Your body is working to create something so complex - the amount of precision required is just mind-blowing. Of course things can go wrong! Like an orchestra playing a masterpiece, it will not be perfect every time. This is not a reflection of you or your partner. It does not mean you are incapable. It means the clarinet player hit a wrong note, and I bet you no one in the audience noticed. Sometimes the rest of the orchestra keeps playing and the song that comes out is not perfect, but it's still great. Other times the clarinet player throws off the flute player, who messes up the bassoon and the song has to stop. But that doesn't mean the conductor is a bad person or did something wrong. Maybe a fly landed on the nose of the clarinet player. Something totally out of anyone's control! Don't blame yourself.

So on to physical symptoms: in my case, my regular period cramps actually feel like labour, they are that bad. In contrast, I prefer miscarriages because they were never very painful for me. The cramping I got from them did not require painkillers. I've had miscarriages on planes and while at work, and they never stopped me. Only the emotional part was a bother, not the physical. With the exception of the first one where I was very scared and nauseated, I actually wish my regular periods were as painless as miscarriages.

In terms of amount of blood, not significantly more than a heavy period, though perhaps more clotting and different colours of tissue than you may be used to seeing. You may or may not see the egg sac (like a little bubble), but I can almost guarantee, if it's an early miscarriage, you will NOT see a fully-formed baby. (I know a lot of pro-life sites like to scare people with that, but they take late miscarriages and pass them off as early (before 12 weeks), which is really a mean thing to do!) Regardless of what you see coming out, what you choose to do with the tissue is your own business. If you think it will help to keep it and plant a tree, so be it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you want to take pictures, more power to you. Or if you don't want to look at all and have your partner flush the toilet for you, go ahead. Do what YOU need to do to heal.

Also, I've always opted for minimal intervention and letting nature take its course. In other words, I never had a D&C or took an aborticant. This means while I knew my embryo was dead in some cases, I waited for my body to expel it. All my miscarriages were early enough that waiting was not a danger. While the first two were relatively quick, my last one took a whole 10 days from when I knew it was dead to come out. Waiting is annoying, to say the least. You can continue to experience pregnancy symptoms while carrying a dead embryo. Also just walking around knowing you are carrying around a dead embryo can be really disturbing. For me, it was impossible to get closure until I knew it was out.

It is also totally normal to start bleeding, then stop, then start again. Know that this can go on for weeks. Once you stop bleeding completely, you can expect your normal period to start again in 4-8 weeks, give or take. Every body is different.

The emotional side is a whole other ball game. You can experience post-partum depression after a miscarriage. Talk to your doctor about that. Depending on where you are, you may also be able to claim short-term disability benefits. (I did for my first one through my insurance because I was really too upset and I worked in a really nosy office at the time.) The first miscarriage truly tore me apart and people can say amazingly heartless things. It's not something I would wish upon anyone.

Still, you can get through it with time. It will never be perfect. If you do get pregnant again, you will probably be very fearful of losing it. I know I was! What helped me was talking to others who had miscarriages - either online or in person. You may not know it, but you know someone right now who has had one. If you disclose it, EVERYONE will tell you they themselves have had one or know someone who has. Miscarriage is VERY common, just not openly talked about.

In terms of healing, you can grieve in whatever way you see fit. I opted to take really good care of myself and was very gentle with myself. I bought myself roses and took rose petal baths. I named my "angel" babies. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with them, due dates and death dates. I had a baby book for the first one. I believe that if there is a "heaven" that my father is with them - though I don't think my dead father's idea of a good time would be hanging out with three babies, let's pretend they are old enough to care for themselves and they're all having a party. It's a sweet thought that still makes me cry and it's been over 5 years. It never goes away, but you go on.

They were potential children who are so loved and so wanted, but never held in my arms. But if anything came from the heartache, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be a mom and I'm always so grateful for the one I do get to hug everyday.

That's about all I get out today without becoming a heaping mess of tears. *hugs*

I Get To Keep My Baby A Bit Longer

This post is probably the most amazing post I've read by an autism mama in a long time. (Omg, go over and give her some love, she just had a miscarriage :( )

Jeanie really expresses very well a lot of my experience with my Little Man - the tantrums over nap time. And once you get him down for a nap, it's so hard to get him up! lol

My son has small vocal cords because of his apraxia/dyspraxia and it can lead to problems later, but at the moment, I have to say, like Jeanie, I like his little voice. We just have a lot in common.

And like her, I also sometimes appreciate the fact he acts younger and I get to hold on to my baby for just a little longer.

More Adoption Set Backs

In news of annoying set backs, we found out we can't put an adopted/fostered child in the same room as a biological child. So we'd have to clear out The Little Man's old room, which would mean we'd have to pay for storage again or just move. Not that it matters anyway because I'm disqualified from a child this year now because my father just died. We have to wait 1 year after a "traumatic event" to even be considered. I miss my dad, but I'm not traumatised. We've been trying to adopt since 2008 - this has nothing to do with my dad and never has. So I'm a little annoyed. I'm just starting to feel like they'll just come up with *anything* to slow the process down.
It's looking more and more like I'll have to get knocked up again if we want a child in any reasonable amount of time. Unless someone has a better idea? I guess if I were rich I could just pick one up in Malawi or something :s

QC is paying for three cycles of IVF now, so we could get PGD and while I could still miscarry, at least we have some assurance it's not a genetic mutant. But then Clomid has been linked to birth defects now, so are we really better off? Not to even mention all the weirdness that stuff would do to *my* body. Blargh!

Sometimes I wonder why some women are like the Duggars with like 20 kids and some women have so much trouble.

Ack, my friend just posted pics of her new baby and I have a new niece or nephew due any second now. My uterus is talking to me....