Competition and Comparisons

I participate in a few groups online, specific to disability issues. One is special needs in general and another is specifically for apraxia (Childhood Apraxia of Speech or CAS). We all need people to vent with, or ask for advice, but sometimes I think some parents cause their own stress for nothing.

One was complaining because her two year old refuses to feed himself. He eats, but only as long as she feeds it to him.

Now first of all, I'll admit I have little sympathy for any parent who complains their child is eating food at all. Try living with a kid who eats like, nothing, and get back to me.

So I told her I still feed my almost 5 year old and big whoop, he'll figure out a fork and spoon whenever. Or never. Whatever. Maybe he'll use chop sticks or a paring knife, I don't really care as long as he eats FOOD.

Because guess what? The way my child eats will not change the world. No one will die if he uses his fingers.

Now of course I don't mean, just forget about all milestones and developmental issues and never get therapy. On the contrary, by all means, continue to help support and teach him, but in the meantime, don't lose sleep over silly little things that really don't change your life all that much.

Does feeding a kid take more time? Sure, but last I checked, I wasn't in some sort of arbitrary parenting competition where we have to feed our kids the fastest or die. I became a parent knowing sh*t takes time and I can't keep the same old carefree lifestyle of the past. So yes, meals might feel like they take "forever" and you'll end up with cereal all over the couch. C'est la vie.
Parenting is not a competition!

Then she says she's stressing because it's her non-disabled kid who is slower. So she's comparing the two and it bothers her. Another mistake! Don't compare people. Everyone is different. Problem solved!

So that's my parenting advice of the day - forget the two Cs: Competition and Comparisons. Just let it go and get a good night's sleep... if your kids let you. That's another issue :)

The Mama's Mom

TRIGGER WARNING: Parental abuse

I alluded to issues with my mother in my annual year in review post, but I didn't take time to write about it for a few reasons. 1) I'm so over it, and 2) I actually took off to San Francisco on a mini-solo-vacation, so I just didn't have time to spare over such stupidities.

Now I guess I'm ready and willing, and I think it might actually help to share, so here goes.

My mother has admitted to not having a maternal side (which always makes me wonder why she had children) and spent most of my childhood being manipulative and calling me, "stupid" or "idiot" (those were her favorites) at least daily. Essentially, I could do absolutely nothing right. I dreaded her coming home from work, where she would go through the house and find everything wrong with it. If the windows were open, ("who's the idiot who opened the windows?") she would close them. The next day, in an effort to please her, I would close the windows, only to have her come home and yell about them being closed and then open them. I walked on eggshells constantly. (Which is what led to my anxiety, hypervigilance and later PTSD diagnosis, which stayed with me even after moving out.)

To be fair, my father was abusive in his own way, but not quite as bad. I also think there's something that hurts even deeper when it's your mother who is abusive. I ran to my dad for comfort and understanding. Now that he is dead, I do not feel I have a loving parent I can go to for comfort and love, which made the death of my father that much worse.

All this to say, I was scared when my son was born that my mother would continue to heap her shit upon my child and I was deadset on making sure that did not happen. I was powerless as a child to escape, but as an adult, I have the freedom to avoid the toxicity and also keep my own child away from harm. I originally did not want my mother to have a relationship with my son at all, but my sister convinced me otherwise. She believed it should be their relationship to nurture and that my son would resent me if I did not allow him to have a relationship with his grandmother.

So I kept an eye on things and to my surprise, my mom was mostly good. Not great, but not horrible and certainly not abusive. But slowly, little old habits of hers started to show themselves. However, she never SAID anything abusive, so I let her babysit him and he seemed to like her.

Until Christmas dinner.

The Little Man was already stressed to be at her place. We sat at the table, which is very stressful for him, but I did it to make her happy. Looking back, I should not have tried to make her happy, since that always fails anyway. I should have prioritized making my son happy. I take ownership of that mistake and I will not make it again.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, he was not coping well with the stress and she decided the best thing to do to make him comply was to start shaming and insulting him. (Because that's a great parenting technique, right?) In which case, I shut that down.
You know, I don't always stand up for myself, but I will sure as hell stand up for my son.

So we left and my mom cried and got upset and I actually didn't feel bad. I didn't really feel anything. It felt like the same old record started playing again and I'm so tired of hearing the same old song.
And I could easily predict what would happen next. She would contact me and say, "I love you" because that's what she always did. She would yell at me and call me names and then about 30 minutes later, come and tell me she loved me. Always. Like clockwork.
No apologies.

Guess what? A few days later I received the "I love you" via text and an offer to talk. I did not respond. There is nothing to talk about. Unless she wants to apologize (and even then) there is nothing to say. Nothing will change until hell freezes over.

And so I have not spoken to her. We have emailed over trivial things since then, but I have nothing to say. And the Little Man does not want to see her. If and when he does, we will deal with an arrangement then, but she will not be able to be with him unsupervised. She lost that privilege.

As for the Little Man, I came home from that dinner and did damage control the best I could. I sat him down and I apologized to him for arguing in front of him. I told him none of it was his fault and it had nothing to do with him. I told him he is perfect and loved and wonderful just the way he is. That's the best I could do and I don't want to have to do it ever again.

New House Funnies

My mom kept the Little Man for the day of the move and brought him over in the evening. They entered from the back and the first thing he saw was the shed. He yelled, "oh, my new house!" and got really excited.  I told him he could move into the shed when he's a teenager.

We found an ant nest by the front window and he likes watching them walking up and down. This morning he saw them and started singing, "ants in the window, ants in the living room, ants in the kitchen, ants in the bedroom!"
It hasn't come to that yet, but it's kinda how I feel and it's a pretty snazzy tune if you get to hear him sing it. LOL.

If you move, you should always do it with a three year old so you can laugh at all the crazy stuff and not get too stressed out.

Using Transitions to Create Traditions

Because changes and transitions can often be more jarring and stressful for those on the spectrum, it's often recommended to plan ahead with lots of warnings and preparation. It's also usually not advised to start something new at the same time.

However, sometimes I feel like one change can make it easier to make another change and use it to piggy-back. For example, right now life is pretty crazy with our move, but we're trying to keep the Little Man's daily routine as stable as possible. We started him at the new daycare (closer to my work and the new place) a week before we move house. On the weekend we will move and after the long weekend, he's back at the new daycare, so not too many changes happen at once.

Now I pick up the Little Man from daycare and bring him home with me and Dada has dinner ready for us. I've used this NEW routine to institute sitting at the table for meals. We've tried this many times and failed, but we know it's possible. So we've been consistent this week about making sure food is on the table as soon as he comes in. He gets washed up and we get to the table as a family. He has no time to get distracted by toys or anything else. It means I sit down and eat a bit even if I'm not that hungry at that time. It means I usually miss my favourite show and pretty much the only TV I watch, Coronation Street. But we are teaching him the lifelong skill of sitting nicely at the table, not kicking anyone, and just eating.

We've been soooo impressed with him! Not only does he sit and eat fairly well (with a lot of prodding) but he has even asked for more some days! It's so nice to see such a change in him. So now we just have to make sure we keep it up once we move, despite the chaos and possibly, lack of kitchen.

Making transitions easier takes planning and consistency. If you want to institute a new routine/habit/tradition, pick something manageable and don't get expectations too high. If it doesn't work this time and causes too much stress, drop it and wait for another time. In the end, our children will learn and cope at their own pace and life isn't a race to the finish!

4am Doorbells

There's been A LOT going on, but I haven't written in a month. It's mostly because The Little Man started daycare at the beginning of June, I went away for six days to Cold Lake, Alberta and he weaned when I got back (at 32.5 months!). Then I started a new job, where I spend all day doing Internet Marketing. Suffice to say, I'm not always into sitting in front of a computer in the evenings when I get home. I'm also having a lot of problems with my old car and wondering if we should just live car less.
Oh and the Little Man had his endoscopy to test for celiac last week - a whole other post entirely if I get around to it - but yeah, I'm a little stressed.

He probably picked it up from the hospital, but now the Little Man has a runny nose and fever. This is usually how he gets sick - a fever first with no other symptoms, then a runny nose and it's over. Or a runny nose and then a fever and it's over. Always a low-grade fever and always lots of snot. He's a pretty consistent man, so I don't usually have to worry. Anyway, he started with the sneezing and runny nose on Friday and sure enough, 4am Saturday morning he crawled next to me in bed, burning up. I gave him some Advil and lay down in bed with him to get him back to sleep. Not a great sleep for me, but a mommy's gotta do and a mommy's gotta do.

I gave him medication before bed last night (Saturday) and I knew it would wear off around 5am. I woke up, wide awake at 4am to the sound of a doorbell. Not a real doorbell, but a doorbell in my head. This doorbell phenomenon happens to me when I know I'm supposed to be up and somewhere at a certain time. Or maybe when I'm just stressed in general.

I read a study about hearing "phantom phones" and apparently it's a sign of hypervigilance, but I haven't heard about hearing phantom doorbells. Does this happen to anyone else? Or maybe a different noise wakes you up and gets you into action?

Whatever the cause, my super mommy brain woke me up and I went to check on my sleeping, sick child. His forehead was not burning up, luckily. He's not hearing things, he's not stressed, he's not worried. Mommy should take a hint and go back to sleep :)