Angry Autistics - A Two-Part Exploration: Part 2 Autistic People

In my previous post, Angry Autistics Part 1, I addressed parents, hoping to help them understand why some of us react with anger to their questions. 

This second part is to address Autistic people in online forums, who are offering advice. While the vast majority are helpful, I believe we are getting fragmented within the community by those who react in much more aggressive ways. I have seen way too many Autistic people just drop out after being attacked by fellow Autistics. 

Fact is, I don't believe aggressive behaviour, in any facet of life, moves people forward. It makes sense to be aggressive if being attacked. Self-defense has a place. However, I do not feel that the vast majority of the time anyone is really being attacked online to the point that it requires so much aggression.

While people are more likely to hear you if you are yelling at them, it won't make them want to listen to you for very long. I believe we need parents to listen, not just hear us, if we're going to make any headway for understanding. 

I've been accused of tone-policing, and we can disagree on that. I simply think when people are calm, logical, measured and even, the doors of communication stay open longer. They might still close! That's a chance you always take, but you still can hope for the best. If things go well, even if the door closes, it might be opened again after some time.

One thing I think needs to happen is you need to give some of the many well-intentioned parents a second chance. Sometimes they need to sleep on it a few days or weeks to come around. If they're fighting you tooth and nail about something heinous, by all means, protect yourselves and ban them. But if they're slowly learning and sussing things out, asking questions and trying to understand, give them some time. 

"It's a very important thing to learn to talk to people you disagree with" - Pete Seeger

The problem with responding with anger each time someone asks what they think is an innocent question, is you end up in a room with only people who agree with you.

That's cool, if that's what you want, but it's not cool if you want to enact change in others. Because they can't ever learn if you don't explain it to them. 

It they don't get it the first time, try a second time. If they don't get it after that, then consider either communication is not working or they need to think. And yes, it can be frustrating. And yes, it requires patience. But yes, I promise it's worth it in the long run.

At the same time, people don't have to agree on every little thing in order to get along and work together for the greater good. There are grey areas sometimes and grey areas are ok. Work with what overlaps.

Please also keep in mind, I am not talking about people who blatantly troll, or derail threads ("if you cared, you would teach me") - I'm talking about the ones who you can send links to posts or books to and they will read them and think about it. Stick with the receptive ones and don't ostracize them. 

I'm asking you to give strangers on the net, who know nothing about you, the benefit of the doubt. They are not your parents. They are not the guy who bullied you in third grade. If you only allow the people who ask questions you find acceptable, then you will eventually find no one is asking you questions. That's fine, you're not required by law to answer questions. In which case, don't pretend the intention of your community is to help EVERYONE. Tell people it's to help only those who already fit into your neat box of who you are willing to help so they can weed themselves out. That will make you a lot less aggravated and stop spreading the aggro around. 

Accept that us Autistics often take things very literally and personally. I can't even count how many times someone has left a comment on my blog and I thought it was negative, but when (kindly and patiently) rephrased by the commenter, it was very positive. My misinterpretations are on me. I have limits. I accept them. So I need to ask others around me (usually NT) to get their opinions. I ask people whom I trust have my best interests at heart and have proven themselves so. Anything can be made into a mountain if you have a lot of angry people looking at the problem. Sometimes it was tone that threw me off. Sometimes it was words. It doesn't matter, and I believe intent doesn't matter, but sometimes you have to give the benefit of the doubt. In the end, it's about the kids, it's not about you. If you truly care about how the kids turn out, you have to keep the parents sweet on your side. You can do that without compromising your morals, beliefs and self, AND you can do it without being angry. It's true. I'm sure of it.  

A lot of us actually don't have children of our own, and yes, that may sound ____ist of some sort, but it's true, it does make a difference. It doesn't mean no insight can be offered, but realistically, the only people who can speak of their experience with any authority should be those who actually live that experience. I would not expect a white person to speak for the black experience, nor would I expect a man to be able to speak about the female experience. Similarly, parenthood is something one has to live in order to really understand. So please don't act like you are a parenting expert because you were once a child. No matter how well-intentioned you are, or how much you think you know ("but my friend has a kid! That's totally the same!"), you cannot act as an authority to that experience.

Finally, please try to remember that some Autistics hold internalized hate or hurtful language and will say/write things, not because they are trying to insult you, but because that is all they know. Before I knew how awful Autism $peaks was, I supported people for their walks, because I did not know better. The way to teach someone, however, is not by calling them names or insulting their intelligence - the way to teach is with empathy and understanding - the same way many advocate we teach our children. 

You Can Get Angry Without Shaming

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of childhood verbal abuse and a video with mature language imbedded

I've written about expressions of anger and frustration before. Rather than qualifying emotions, I simply feel that all emotions need to be expressed and released. Sometimes they need to be shared and sometimes that is beneficial. I also believe, however, that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express one's emotions. My basic belief is "if it harms no one, including yourself, it's probably appropriate."

 This means you can hit pillows when angry (since you probably won't hurt your own hands), you can throw ice cubes at the tiles around the bathtub and watch them explode. (Make more ice cubes for others after or buy a bag of ice specifically for this.) You can scream into a pillow. You can go for a run around the block. You can smash Play-Doh in your hands. You can call a friend. There are so many options to let emotions out.

As parents, we need to give our children options for releasing their emotions, rather than forcing them to keep them inside. We need to show them appropriate ways they can calm down and self-regulate. We need to set the example for how we want them to express themselves in healthy ways. This means as parents and the adult role-model in the situation, we need to watch our own anger issues. 

No one is expecting parents to never get angry. We deal with so many stresses all the time, little things can tip us over the edge. But as adults, we can behave better than children. We have the power to choose how we will react. In any situation, you can react with calmness and empathy for your child, or you can react with contempt, negativity and shaming.

For example, a child can accidentally spill their milk all over the table. In that split second as you see the milk spilling all over the table and the floor, you can say, "why did you do that? I told you to be careful! What's wrong with you? You're so clumsy!"

Or you can say, "oh dear, look at this accident! It's a mess and we'll have to clean it up together."

One teaches the child that there's something wrong with their character and they are inherently flawed. It may also teach the child that your love is conditional on perfect behaviour. The other teaches your child that mistakes happen and that they have to take responsibility for their actions (by cleaning up to the best of their ability) to correct the problem they caused. It makes no statement on their character or value as a person. It just means there is an effect to their actions on the world and they have an opportunity to fix problems as they arise. 

So when I saw this video on YouTube, I not only thought it was funny, but an example of a wonderful relationship between a father and son. One, the son felt safe enough with his father that he knew he could prank him like this. But also, listen to the choice of words the father uses to express his disappointment. He's able to express that disappointment without expressing judgement on his son's character or value. While he does use colourful words (you've been warned about his language), he still sticks to the facts of the problem - it is costly to retake the test and he fears if he has to go again that he will be failed again. At no point does he call his son a name (although he does suggest his son should have used his charm to "sweeten up" the testing agent).

Again, as a parent, you have a choice: react with love and compassion or react with hatred and contempt. How do you want your children to feel about you in the long run? How do you want your children to feel about themselves? Do you want a close relationship with your children or do you not care if you're alone in old age?
I'm not making up extremes. I know of what I speak. I was the kid who was called "stupid" and "idiot" for simple mistakes. What do you think that did to my self-esteem? What do you think my relationship with my mother is like now?

Take heart - if you are not reacting with love now, you still have time to change. You can still repair some damage. It means you will have to take responsibility for the mistakes you made. It means you will have to apologize to your child for all the times you messed up. It's not too late to try. You have a choice. 

What Does A Meltdown or Shutdown Feel Like?

Meltdowns are not fun for anyone, so while it's great to get an idea for what it feels like from the inside, it's best if we can prevent them completely. You may also like to read, How To Prevent A Meltdown.

A meltdown, to me, is an incredibly complex experience that I am going to do my best to break down and describe. The following is what a meltdown feels like for me. There are other accounts (and here's another example). It's not like there's a right way to have one! So if you're looking to understand the phenomenon, you should try to find more first-hand accounts.

Meltdowns happened to me mostly in my teens and early 20s. I would say by 25, I stopped. That's not to say it won't ever happen again, but I hope not. By then, I presume I'd gone through enough therapy and maturing that I have better awareness and control over what is happening to me. As I've gotten older, I have gotten better at not getting myself to that state (or just protecting myself and getting myself out of situations to prevent things from escalating). That's a really important point.

Children do not usually have the power to escape from situations that are triggering, so as a parent, you have to facilitate that for them.

What happens to me now periodically are shutdowns, which are just as frustrating, but quieter and can even go unnoticed to the untrained eye. I still have the occasional passionate outburst, and I can cover that briefly also. My outbursts are mostly harmless and I don't put it in the same category.

Both meltdowns and shutdowns leave me feeling drained and like utter crap. There's really no sugar coating it.

Meltdowns are scary because to get to that point, I have totally lost control. The ones I remember most were caused when people other than my parents were dismissive of me. I learned to tolerate the abuse of my parents, probably just to be able to survive, but I could not tolerate it from anyone else. In my case, when others did it, it really was abusive. I would say, "no, stop that" repeatedly and they didn't listen. They were purposely poking at an open wound. That caused me to totally lose it. These were the only times in my life where I lashed out physically. When it happened, I literally saw red. I cannot see. All I can see is red light and nothing else. It's as if blood has dripped into my eyes and is blinding me. When people say they were so angry, they blacked out and did not even know what they were doing, I think that is what I experienced. Once I raised a chair at my teacher to throw it at him. I was so angry, I could not see. The only thing I remember was the voice of my best friend yelling, almost screaming, "KELLY! KELLY!" until I snapped out of it.

I actually have no regret for scaring that teacher and for whatever reason, I never got in trouble for it. Maybe because it was so out of character for me, who was normally very quiet and on the Honor Roll. Meltdowns are shocking to the person experiencing them because there is really nothing you can do about it. It's out of character and I was capable of hurting people I did not necessarily want to. It can be over as quickly as it started, which makes it strange for on-lookers also. Afterwards, I am left feeling like I've run a marathon - heart beating in my ears, drained, feeling sick and confused.

This looks a bit like a meltdown to me. From http://josiemaysoptionsblog.blogspot.ca/2012/12/antony-gormley.html
Check out this artist's other works. They are very good. 

Shutdowns, on the other hand, are not as outwardly expressive for me. They rarely involve anyone else. In fact, I usually retreat until it's over. A shutdown occurs after a long period of stress. For example, in the months following the death of my father. It's a cumulative thing that I call, "running out of cope." It starts like a panic attack and spirals into the absolute worst anxiety attack you can ever imagine. When it hits me, I actually don't even know what I'm feeling. I often feel like I should cry to let it out, but I can't. I want to scream, but I can't. I feel trapped inside my skin and get anxious, dizzy and nauseous. Sometimes I shake/shiver uncontrollably. Sometimes I gag and retch, but I don't usually actually vomit. Other times I have cried uncontrollably, but that's not as common. What I usually do now is take a Dramamine and an Ativan and just go to bed. Sometimes I will play a repetitive mindless game like Bejeweled Blitz to take my mind off of my thoughts. It is worse for me if I try to pretend it's not happening or to talk to anyone. I have tried going out for fresh air and walk and that doesn't help either. Right now the only solution I have is to drug myself and sleep it off. I usually wake up the next morning feeling totally drained and empty.

It should be noted that I only seem to fall apart like this when I know it's safe to fall apart. In other words, when I am sure my husband is able to care for the Little Man. I feel like my subconscious is saying, "ok, you've held it together long enough, now it's ok to let it out!"

Obviously, daily stress management is an important part of keeping these shut downs at bay, but the amount of cope I have at any given time is variable due to well, just life. This is why I put a lot of work into taking care of myself. It is essential I get enough sleep and eat well. It's even more important during times of high stress. This is difficult because when I'm stressed, I don't usually want to sleep or eat. It's tough because it's not about being on a fad diet or frou-frou lifestyle choice. I will simply not be able to be a functional member of my family or society if I don't take care of myself every day. I can't take a day off from self-care without paying for it later in some way.
(Not a complaint, just making people aware of being non-judgmental when you see someone avoiding a certain food or activity. It's not always for the reasons you think.)

If you have any questions about my experience, please feel free to ask. I am an open book. No matter which one it is, both feel really bad to the person going through it and if there's anything you can do to help them not happen, that's greatly appreciated.

Bad Anger, Good Anger

When I was a kid, we were not allowed to express our anger in healthy ways. We also weren't free to cry openly, but that's another issue. I remember my sister had a mini basketball and hoop for her bedroom door. One day she and my parents got into an argument and she went into her room, shut the door and started throwing the basketball at the hoop, hard. My parents yelled at her and made her stop.

Now in my eyes, throwing a basketball in a closed room doesn't hurt anyone. To me, it's a healthy way to let go of the stress of the situation. My parents took away that outlet for us. We weren't breaking things or punching walls. All we wanted to do was be able to hit a pillow or stomp our feet and we could not do that. So anger and sadness festered inside. I'm sure I'm still paying for that now.

Fast forward to my much more free life, without abuse, and raising my own kid, also without abuse. He is still small, so he doesn't always find the words to express himself, but he can do it in other healthy ways. He started out in more unhealthy ways, like hitting, kicking and biting, but has since started to learn those are not acceptable.

Just as an example, the other night Hubby went to give him his vit D, which is in liquid form. (And before anyone asks, all of us in this house take vit D supplements) They are bubble gum flavoured (well at least the kid's version is. Ours is not :( ). The Little Man was drinking vanilla milk. I can only imagine what a weird flavour combination that would be. Anyway, Hubby often forgets to ask permission first before doing things to the Little Man (he's working on that) and pretty much shoved the oils in his mouth in between sips of milk. You can imagine this bugged the Little Man. He yelled out and started hitting the table. Hubby didn't understand what was wrong, so I explained what the problem probably was. Hubby went and apologized and told him he would not do that again. I went up to the Little Man and praised him for expressing himself in such a good way.

I don't care if he hits a table; a table doesn't feel pain. I only care if he hits a person/animal, and he didn't do that.

So that's how I'm different from my parents. People need ways to be angry safely and without harm. They need prompt and sincere apologies from whoever caused the harm. They need time to calm down and process. And then we can all forgive and go on with life.