For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Silenced

I don't need to give you a reason

Stop touching me
Stop talking to me
Stop hurting me
Stop hugging me
Stop kissing me

I don't have to tell you why I don't like it

Stop looking at me
Stop invading my space
Stop asking me questions
Stop calling me names
Stop disrespecting me

I don't care if you don't understand
I don't care if you feel hurt
I don't care if other people like it
I don't care if you think I'm too sensitive
I don't care if you think I like it
I don't care if you didn't hear me the first time

My body is mine
My life is mine
Only I get to decide what to do with it. 

I Don't Smile For You

I recently read this article about a study showing that Autistic children are seen as less trustworthy and friendly by their NT peers. It triggered me for many reasons - mostly because I was told to smile many times, by many people during my life. My father, too, was seen as unfriendly and intimidating. He was also told that he should smile more at work as well. In which case, he told them to go to hell because he didn't smile to anyone for their benefit. One of the many ways my father rocked.

From the study:

"Children with a diagnosis of autism were rated less trustworthy, and the watchers said they were less likely to want to play with them and to be their friend.

Dr Stagg said: “One of the key things we found with this research was that there was a difference between the children’s facial expressions and their general expressiveness.
“Typically developed children had a more subtle range of expressions, while an autistic child’s face tended to have more exaggerated expressions."

This makes sense, as I've always been told I have a very expressive face. I can easily make a caricature of myself. But to make myself seem more gentle/friendly/approachable/trustworthy in a subtle way? No clue.

Dr. Stagg just won me over with his next statement:

But, Dr Stagg believes this research emphasises the need to promote inter-social skills in both typically developed and autistic children, rather than separating them and trying to “fix” the autistic children’s development.
He said: “You don’t say to a person in a wheelchair, you need to try walking, and so you shouldn’t try to make autistic children be someone they cannot physically be.

Bingo! Yes! Bravo!

This is not to say I'm against change and improving myself. On the contrary, I am always looking for help. However, there are some things I know I will never ever be able to accomplish. Try as hard as I might, I cannot at this age or stage of my life, learn to subtly change my facial expressions. I would also argue that it's not something that an NT person can teach me. It's one of those, "you have it or you don't" things. So much goes into these subtle signs, I would wager your average person is completely unaware of what or how they do what they do. Cues are probably picked up subconsciously. A lot of people take this for granted.

At the same time, the damage of telling a child that they need to smile (or do anything else with their body or behaviour) in order to make others more comfortable is lifelong and affects self-esteem. It takes away their body autonomy as well. It sets them up for trying to become pleasers for other people's benefit.

I can't tell you how many times I was told:

"Smile, you'll look so much more pretty!"
"You look angry! Try smiling more. You have a lovely smile. I want to see it."
"People will like you more if only you smile."
"I don't want to see you with that face."
"Stand up straight and smile so I can look at you properly."
"You'd be beautiful if only you smiled."

I was told this by teachers and other authority figures. I was told this by family members. I was told this by both males and females. I was told this by peers. 

Luckily, probably because of my head-strong father, by the time I was a teen, I did not smile on command. I told people I would smile when I felt like smiling. I told people I was tired of being told I wasn't attractive when I wasn't making the correct facial expression for them. I told them I did not smile for anyone else's benefit.

My body does not exist for your benefit. I'm not a puppet you can play with. My emotions will not change for your benefit. My body is my own and I will do as I please with it. My attractiveness, or perceived lack thereof, has nothing to do with what you think of it. If you are uncomfortable looking at my body or face, I kindly ask you to look away and keep your opinions to yourself.

If you really want to know how I feel, you can ask me and then believe me when I use my words to tell you. But you don't get to change the way I present myself to you. And please don't ask anyone else to do so either.

Bodily Integrity and Children

Bodily Integrity is most often mentioned when debating abortion, but it has a major place in how I choose to parent my child.

Bodily integrity (or bodily autonomy/body autonomy) is the concept that each individual has rights to his or her own body. They have the right to choose what to do with it and who will touch it and when.

This is one of the reasons I don't believe in circumcision. It's also why I'm against piercing a baby's ears before they are old enough to ask for it themselves. By all means, if my son would like to alter his body with tattoos, piercings or even cut off his right pinky finger, he's free to do so once he's old enough to consent. As it is NOT my body, I do not have the right to alter his body unless it is a serious medical necessity.

What I want to focus on is where it concerns ALL children: expressions of affection. Often you will see parents say things like, "go give Grandma a kiss!" Whether the child wants it or not, they are usually scooped up and covered in kisses. This is extremely disrespectful and sets a precedent for abuse because it disregards the child's feelings. It tells the child that whether they like it or not, sometimes they have to accept being kissed, hugged and held by people they don't want. When you tell them they don't have a choice, that their "no" is ignored, they learn that there are times when they must ignore their true feelings and let certain things happen.

When someone tries to molest them, do you think they are good at saying "no?" It wasn't listened to before, so why would anyone listen to it now?

When they are teenagers and a boy starts trying to kiss or grope them and they don't like it - do you think they will say, "no" or will they accept that sometimes you just have to put up with these things?

This is why I always ask my son if he would like a hug or a kiss. This is why if he says, "no" I respect that and leave him alone. It doesn't matter that I'm his mom. It doesn't matter I don't have bad intentions. What matters is that he is given complete control over his own body and has the confidence to say "no" if he doesn't want someone in his space.

As a mother, it means sometimes I do not get a kiss goodnight. As a mother, it means I may go months or even years without a hug or kiss from my son, if he chooses. Because it's not about me or my body.

When it comes to parenting an Autistic child, it means he is allowed to jump, spin, flap, hum or do whatever he wants to do with his body, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. Because it's his body. And by hurt, I mean actually make contact with another person's body, because then that affects their bodily autonomy. Otherwise, if you don't like looking at it, don't look!

Forcing someone else to change for your benefit is not respect, and that includes forced hugs and kisses. A child, in fact any person, is able to express love, emotions and even respect without touching anyone or being touched.