April 03, 2012

Making Peace With Infertility

We went to the fertility clinic yesterday to discuss PGD. I had thought (hoped?) it would bring us better odds than our 25% live birth chances, but no. It would raise our chances to about 31%. I've decided that pumping my body full of chemicals to get a 6% higher chance of a live birth is not worth it. (Though the Fentanyl and Valium combo they give you for egg retrieval sounds like it could be fun!)

Not only that, but our clinic (and doctor I love) doesn't do PGD anyway. We've have to go on the year-long waiting list at Ovo or the Montreal General. None of this appeals to me.

He gave us our genetic reports that he received from the Jewish. These ones are not "dumbed down" like the copy we received was. I am most depressed by this line: "individuals (like me) found to carry this translocation would likely be at increased risk for multiple miscarriages or for having a child with mental retardation/malformations."

I know I know this already and it's not news, but it's been 4 years since I read it. It still makes me cry. Not only that, but our "dumbed down" copy doesn't say mental retardation, it says "developmental delay of unspecified nature" or something like that.

It is hard to be brave and try to get pregnant when you know you will most likely loose it. It is harder to be brave and accept the fact we could have a mentally retarded child. The Little Man has been a "challenge" and he's not even retarded. (He was at one point delayed/retarded in some aspects, but now he's just considered "late" or "slow") I love these stupid PC terms!

Oh man, (secondary) infertility sucks!
I need to make peace with the fact we got really lucky once and that will be it.

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