May 17, 2013

Finding My Voice Again

I was *that* person blasting industrial techno music as I drove down the street. I had a 2001 silver Pontiac Sunfire and it had a pretty good sound system. Better than my home one, anyway.

In my car, barreling down the highway, my music disturbed no one (or at least not for long as I sped by).  I sang loudly, in tune thank you very much, and didn't hold back. My car was a concert stage. Yes, I was *that* person.

The second I got pregnant for the fourth time, that stopped. My world went silent. I wanted no noise. I don't know why - call it mother's instincts or something, but I no longer felt the need for noise in my car.

My world went silent

After my son was born, of course I did not want to hurt his delicate little ears, so there was no noise in the car other than his protests from the car seat. He hated the car seat!

We didn't spend a lot of time apart during the early years, but I found when I was out in the car alone, I still wanted silence (can you blame me?).

It's only recently that I'm starting to slowly go back to my old ways. I am slowly making my way back to my previous free-spirited, child-free, fun-loving old self. Except I'm forging a new me with a child.

Aside from just getting out more again, I see it as an analogy for my life in general. I had to be his voice and advocate for him when he couldn't speak. I had to fight for evaluations and services, so I had to find my confidence as a mother and get a new voice.

Things are pretty stable now, despite a lot of changes (new daycare, new house) but I feel more at ease about the future and the decisions we've made for him. I'm just getting this new voice warmed up. Soon I'll be singing it from the rooftops.

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